Crazy times, crazy people – the RTK Tabloids

[Lady Wu]

Lady Wu’s paparazzi teams have done it again! We have searched the streets and alleys of SGZ and now bring to you the juiciest stories of the troubled times of the three kingdoms!

Caveat lector: we do not vouch for the historical accuracy of these stories! These are just for fun. We’ve found so many crazy stories recorded (especially included in Pei Songzhi’s notes), that we can’t help but share.

Liu Shan was lost in Hanzhong as a kid!

When Liu Bei was at Xiaopei and was attacked suddenly by Lord Cao, he abandoned his family and eventually escaped to Jingzhou. Liu Shan was a toddler at that time, and having hid well during the invasion, he wandered westward into Hanzhong, following some strangers and got sold (as a servant) by them.

In the 16th year of Jian’an (AD 211), all was in chaos within the Passes, and a man from Fufeng, called Liu Kuo, migrated into Hanzhong in order to evade the chaos. There he bought Liu Shan, and upon finding out that he was from a good family, he took him in as his own son, and had him take a wife, who bore him a son.

Before Liu Shan was separated from his father, he learnt that his father’s style name was Xuande. There was also a retainer in Liu Bei’s court back then, who had the surname Jian. Now, Mr Jian became a general after Liu Bei took over Yi Province, and was on a mission to Hanzhong and stayed at the official inn there. So Liu Shan went to visit Jian, who interrogated him on what he remembered of his past. Having established Liu Shan’s true identity, Jian was overjoyed and told Zhang Lu about it. And so Zhang Lu had Liu Shan bathed and sent back ceremoniously to Yi Province, and there Liu Bei made him his heir.

Lü Bu, his wife, and Liu Bei

Lü Bu was respectful of Liu Bei upon meeting with him. … He invited Liu Bei to his tent, and made him sit on his wife's bed, ordering his wife to pay respects to Liu Bei. Then, he feasted Liu Bei and even addressed him as “younger brother”. Seeing that Lü Bu’s words seem deranged, Liu Bei answered “yes, yes” to whatever Lü Bu said, but inside he was upset .

Cao Zhi the crazy host!

[There was a man called Handan Chun from Yongchuan, whose talents were known to Cao Cao, and who was sent by Cao Cao to visit Cao Zhi.] When Cao Zhi first received Handan Chun, he was greatly pleased, and had him take a seat in the hall; but he didn’t converse with him at first. It was a blazing hot day in the summer, and Cao Zhi ordered his servants to bring water to bathe in. After bathing himself, he applied talcum powder; and leaving his shirt off he did some gymnastic exercises, practised a sword dance, and then recited passages totalling some thousands of words from popular novels and plays. And only after all that, did he address his guest, “What now, Master Handan?”, and at the same time dressing himself properly. After Cao Zhi got appropriately attired, he chatted with Chun on matters such as the creation of the universe, the origins of all things, analyzing the faults and merits of famous men from high antiquity to the present, and then discussed literature, politics, and military matters. … When evening came Chun retired to his own lodgings, and to his own friends he acclaimed Cao Zhi’s talents, naming him “man of heavenly talents”. As the heir has not been chosen yet at that time, Cao Cao had been inclined to choose Cao Zhi, and Chun often praised Cao Zhi’s talents.

[James]

Haha, I love it! I can just imagine pictures to go along with the stories.

[Lady Wu]

Haha, I love it! I can just imagine pictures to go along with the stories.

Yeah, isn't that too bad that the camera wasn't invented back then? One with Cao Zhi half-naked wouldn't be that bad...

[Han Xin]

The story of Liu Shan in Wei Lue is very funny. If Wei Lue account were accurate and he was separate when Liu Bei lost at Xiao Pei and only united with Liu Bei after Liu Bei took YiZhou, then who is the baby that Zhao Yun save at DangYang in 208, and at the river in 215AD?

[Lady Wu]

The story of Liu Shan in Wei Lue is very funny. If Wei Lue account were accurate and he was separate when Liu Bei lost at Xiao Pei and only united with Liu Bei after Liu Bei took YiZhou, then who is the baby that Zhao Yun save at DangYang in 208, and at the river in 215AD?

Hehehe it's a great story but too bad it just can't be true... if Liu Shan was a couple of years old at Xiao Pei, he would be around 34 years old when he takes the throne. That doesn't match with the other Shu recordes which had him as 17 or 18.

Here's more: High drama from the Wu court!

One sister killed, the other forcefully taken -- Sun Hao's depraved life exposed!

Sun Hao had taken Zhang Bu’s daughter as his consort [note: Zhang Bu had been killed by Sun Hao, for admonishing him against excessive drinking and sex.], and she pleased him. Once Sun Hao asked her, “Where’s your father now?” She replied, “He’s killed by an evil one.” Sun Hao got really mad and had her beaten to death. However, afterwards he recalled her great beauty, and had a wooden statue of her carved and placed beside his seat.

Sun Hao asked those serving around him, “Does Zhang Bu have another daughter?” They told him, “Zhang Bu had an older daughter, but she’s married to Feng Chun, son of the former commandant of the palace guard, Feng Chao.” And so Sun Hao seized Feng Chun’s wife, and made her the Left Lady as he loved her greatly. Night and day he feasted with her in her room, neglecting all affairs of the court. He ordered the palace workshop to make thousands of all sorts of hair ornaments with gold, and had the palace attendents wear them and wrestle for entertainment. Thus the ornaments were often broken the same day they were made, and had to be remade. The workers in the workshop then started to pocket a little bit here and there, and gradually the treasury emptied.

Who's the dead one?

When the lady died, Sun Hao mourned greatly for her, and buried her within the palace grounds. He commanded a huge tomb to be erected, and that a statue of her be carved in cypress and guarded in the crypt by soldiers. Uncountable amounts of ornaments made of precious metals were buried along with her. After the funeral, Sun Hao mourned for her for half a year, not setting foot outside the palace at all. The citizens, seeing how extravagent the funeral was, all believed Sun Hao to be the one who has died.

A mistaken insurrection?

He Du, Sun Hao's brother-in-law, resembled Sun Hao quite a bit in appearances, so it was rumoured that he's taking over as emperor [since Sun Hao was rumoured to be dead already]. And so the grand administrator of Linhai, Xi Xi, launched a punitive attack on He Du, but was beaten off by Xi Xi's uncle who was Inspector of the region at that time. Xi Xi's family was exterminated, but the rumours did not die down.

[Lady Wu]

Some stuff about Xiahou Dun and Xiahou Mao...

Xiahou Yuanrang became blind in one eye! Can he cope with that?

When Cao Cao returned from Xu province, Xiahou Dun joined him in the expedition against Lü Bu. There, he was struck by a stray arrow in his left eye. According to Wei Lue: At that time both Xiahou Yuan and Xiahou Dun were generals in Cao Cao’s army, and everyone in the camps nicknamed Xiahou Dun “the Blind Xiahou”. Xiahou Dun hated that nickname, and everytime he looked in a mirror, he would become furious and throw the mirror on the ground.

The biography of Xiahou Mao, the man who almost lost his head because he annoyed his wife

Xiahou Mao, styled Zilin, was the fourth son of Xiahou Dun’s. Cao Pi and him were great friends from their youth, and when Cao Pi took the throne, he made Mao General Who Pacifies the West, and gave him the tiger tally. Then Mao was sent to be a Chief Army Supervisor in Guanzhong, where Xiahou Yuan was stationed. Xiahou Mao had no talents in the martial arts or strategies, but was good at conducting business. In the West he was, until the second year of Taihe (AD 228), when Emperor Ming (Cao Rui) led an army westward. Someone had spread rumours against Xiahou Mao, and thus he was transferred to be an Imperial Secretariat and recalled to the capital.

When Xiahou Mao was stationed in the west, he kept many singing girls and concubines; and because of that, the Princess Qinghe (Cao Cao’s daughter), his wife, held a grudge against him. Afterwards, his younger brothers began to behave with no regard to the codes of propriety, and Mao admonished them on several occasions. Fearing that Mao would take action against them, the brothers accused Mao of libel, and had the Princess take the case up to the emperor. The emperor thus arrested Xiahou Mao, and was planning to execute him. But before he did, the emperor asked Duan Mo of Jingzhao, the Colonel of Changshui at the time, for his opinion. Duan Mo’s opinion was that “this must be because the Princess Qinghe bears an ill will towards Xiahou Mao, and wished to put in him trouble on false charges. Furthermore, his father, Xiahou Dun, has contributed greatly in helping the former lords in building our empire, and thus I wish you to reconsider the judgement.” The emperor’s anger subsided, and said, “I believe what you say to be right.” And so he ordered an investigation into the author of the memorial (against Xiahou Mao) which the Princess presented, and indeed, it was made up by Xiahou Mao’s brothers, Zizang ans Zijiang.

[CaTigeReptile]

Wow, do I feel bad for Xiahou Dun now. All of those ruffians making fun of him. (Okay, maybe I would use that nickname, too, but I would be wrong in my actions.) Poor guy. These are so interesting and entertaining. Thanks, Lady Wu, now I'm all smiling. (At the expense of Xiahou Dun's self-esteem).

[Xiahou Mao]

Well.. I don't know if being framed by your wife and almost executed is more or less embarassing than the SGYY version of losing repeatedly to Zhuge Liang and then fleeing to a barbarian tribe. It's good to know though that Xiahou Mao was an embarassment either way.

[Lady Wu]

Wow, do I feel bad for Xiahou Dun now. All of those ruffians making fun of him. (Okay, maybe I would use that nickname, too, but I would be wrong in my actions.) Poor guy.

Hehehe I can imagine myself having self-esteem problems too, after that incident and having everyone in the camp calling you names... poor guy....

These are so interesting and entertaining. Thanks, Lady Wu, now I'm all smiling. (At the expense of Xiahou Dun's self-esteem).

I'm glad you enjoyed the stories!

Well.. I don't know if being framed by your wife and almost executed is more or less embarassing than the SGYY version of losing repeatedly to Zhuge Liang and then fleeing to a barbarian tribe. It's good to know though that Xiahou Mao was an embarassment either way.

I guess in this passage, he is said to be good at doing business, so he's not completely an embarassment. But I'd have to say that the Xiahou Mao in the novel is smarter... he fled his evil wife...

[Lady Wu]

Ok, I got a special request for posting this story about how Gan Ning and Lü Meng almost got in a fight and Lü Meng's mommy saved the day. The full translation of Gan Ning's SGZ biography (where this is taken) can be found here: Gan Ning

Mothers Against Dumb Disputes

Once, a serving boy from Gan Ning’s kitchen committed an offence, and running away he sought Lü Meng’s protection. Fearing that Ning would kill the boy, Meng did not return him right away. Later on, Gan Ning brought gifts to pay respect to Meng’s mother, and just when they were about to ascend to the main hall, [Meng] brought the kitchen boy out to return to Ning. Ning promised Meng that he would not kill him. However, when [Ning] left to go back to his boat, he tied the boy up to a mulberry tree, and taking a bow and arrow he killed him himself. After that, he boarded his boat, and ordered the sailors to lengthen the barge cables while he undressed and lay inside the ship to rest. Meng was greatly ired, and beating the drums, he gathered his troops together preparing to attack Ning on his boat. When Ning heard about it, he remained lying in his ship on purpose and did not rise. Meng’s mother ran out barefooted to admonish Meng, saying, “The lord treats you as if a part of his family, and entrusted great things to you. How can you bare a private grudge and go kill Gan Ning? On the day of Ning’s death, even though the lord may not inquire into it, you have already violated the principles of being a subject.” Lü Meng, being of the most filial nature, resolved his anger at the words of his mother. And so he went to Ning’s boat, and laughing, he called out to Ning, “Xingba, my mother is treating you to a meal. Come up quickly!” Ning wept and sighed, “I have disappointed you.” And so he and Meng went back together to see Meng’s mother, and feasted for the day.