Fate of a Rebel/Parody of the Three Kingdoms

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Unread postby Adam » Wed Jul 04, 2007 2:09 pm

I wouldn't count on us not lynching you in some manner despite said update. :P
Still good stuff dude. Keep them coming...and I mean quickly. :P
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Unread postby Jedi » Wed Jul 04, 2007 4:30 pm

This is Awesome and funny keep it going!
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Unread postby Taishi Ci 2.0 » Tue Jul 10, 2007 1:08 pm

College stuff today, expect an update tomorrow.
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Unread postby Adam » Fri Jul 27, 2007 10:12 pm

I never use this but:

o.O
You may want to fix yer calendar sirrah. :P
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Unread postby Taishi Ci 2.0 » Sun Jul 29, 2007 8:03 am

Hey, don't hate on the Julian Calendar. It was good enough for the Bolsheviks, it's good enough for you!

Destiny of an Emperor Parody: Part 18.5
---
Outskirts of Huai Nan Castle...

ImageWang Gui: Bloody hell, it's about time we got here. Why exactly was this trip so long?

ImageSong Ren: It's because <s>the author is a lazy bastard</s> Liu Feng wanted to take the long way around.

ImageLiu Feng: What, did you want to take the mountain pass? There's always an ambush in places like that, you know. They'd light a bomb and shoot arrows at us or something.

ImageHuo Hu: And yet, we'd have been safer in an easily-flammable stretch of forest?

ImageLiu Feng: Of course. What kind of monster would use a surprise fire attack against his enemies?

ImageImageZhuge Liang & Zhou Yu: Fire attack! Burn them all!

ImageChen Deng: Surely we will never meet such men. Anyways, at least we're here now.

ImageGuan Ping: Yes, now that we're right in front of the enemy castle, I'm sure nothing bad will happen.

ImageSong Yong: I'm flying! Wheeee! *thud*

ImageImageImageImageImageImageImageShu Army:.......

ImageSong Ren: Nobody say it.

ImageImageImageImageImageImageImageShu Army:.......

ImageMi Zhe:..."Nice of you to drop in."

ImageSong Ren: Damnit, I said not to say it! You're the next one going down the river.

ImageMi Zhe: It was worth it.

ImageHuo Hu: Uh, shouldn't we check on Song Yong? That must have been quite a fall.

ImageSong Ren: He'll be ok. Just give him some powder or something.

ImageGuan Ping: Why do we always give them powder? Don't we have Elixers or something?

ImageSong Ren: Liu Bei was too cheap to give us the funds. He said he needed the gold for "important business".

Somewhere in Chang An...

ImageLiu Bei: Yes, uh, where is your bootleg DVD section?

Image"Pirate": Sir, I believe you're thinking of the wrong type of pirate.

ImageLiu Bei: Damnit! Now how am I supposed to finish my Sailor Moon collection?

Back at Huai Nan...

ImageMi Zhe: Let's not delve too deeply into that subject. Hey, Song Yong, what happened to you?

ImageSong Yong: Well, I went to a bar, got drunk, passed out...

ImageChen Deng: Skip ahead a little.

ImageSong Yong: Well, just now I was in the jail cell with Guan Yu and the others, when some guy named Ji Ling took me out and launched me over the walls with a catapult.

ImageGuan Ping: Any particular reason for doing it?

ImageSong Yong: It's...it's because he feared my awesome power!

ImageSong Ren: He hit his head harder than we thought. Give him some more powder.

ImageHuo Hu: That's just going to make things worse.

ImageSong Ren: For him, maybe.

ImageZhang Xun: *from the ramparts* It's about time you idiots showed up. We've been waiting for you.

ImageLiu Feng: You must be the ones who kidnapped Guan Yu, Zhang Fei and Lu Bu!

ImageJi Ling: Yeah, that'd be us. We took your other friend too, but, well, he was an idiot, so we sent him back.

ImageLiu Feng: Alright then, come down here so we can fight you.

ImageZhang Xun: How about not? We've read the reports, we know how you guys operate. Somebody always opens the gates and then you manage to beat them up or scare them away or whatever.

ImageJi Ling: But we're not going to fall for that. We'll just stand right here and taunt you until you go away.

ImageWang Gui: Wouldn't it be smarter if you stayed off the walls too?

ImageJi Ling: Probably, but less fun for us. Now go away or we shall taunt you a second time!

Meanwhile, inside the castle...

ImageZhang Fei: Ok, the good news is, rumors are spreading around that the rest of the army is outside the castle.

ImageLu Bu: I guess that's better than nothing. Although, we really should have been able to escape by now anyway.

ImageGuan Yu: Don't start that again. We've tried everything I can think of already.

ImageLu Bu: How do people usually escape from dungeons in the old stories?

ImageGuan Yu: From what I've read, some random person always seems to come along and set them free.

ImageZhang Fei: Great idea! I'm sure someone will be here any minute.

Ten minutes later...

ImageLu Bu: Whoever it is certainly is taking their time.

ImageZhang Fei: Let me try and speed up the process a little.

Zhang Fei finds a piece of paper, writes something on it, and slides it out a window.

ImageGuan Yu: I don't think a note is going to help us much.

ImageZhang Fei: Oh, you'll see.

A few hours later, outside Huai Nan...

ImageWang Gui: I say, I thought there was going to be a battle here at some point.

ImageSong Ren: Oh, hush up. I didn't expect something like this to happen.

ImageSong Yong: Yeah, we've never really done an actual siege before. The enemies would always just come out and attack us.

ImageChen Deng: I've never really understood why that happened, though.

ImageGuan Ping: What options do we have here?

ImageHuo Hu: We could either cut off the city and starve them out, or we could try ramming down the gates.

ImageLiu Feng: How long would starving them out take?

ImageMi Zhe: A few weeks at least.

ImageLiu Feng: We don't have that kind of time! We'll have to use something for a battering ram.

ImageWang Gui: But what's the hardest thing we have nearby?

Minutes later...

ImageSong Ren: So we're using Song Yong's head as a battering ram.

ImageTaishi Ci 2.0: Like you didn't see this one coming.

ImageSong Yong: Can I at least point out that this is going to give me serious brain damage?

ImageSong Ren: Not any more than you've suffered before. Everyone, charge!

Song Ren and Guan Ping pick up Song Yong and hold him sideways. Everyone charges towards the gates.

ImageZhang Xun: Are...are they actually doing this? Trying to knock the gate down with his head?

ImageJi Ling: My Heaven, I think this is the best day ever. I might die from the laughter.

Just when Liu Bei's army gets close to the gates, suddenly a series of bombs go off in the sky.

ImageZhang Xun: What the...Oh my, you might want to have a look at the river.

ImageJi Ling: This could be a problem.

Hundreds of small ships have appeared in the river next to the castle.

ImageYang Jin: *from a ship* Arrr, the pirate fleet has arrived! Now surrender your castle or we'll keelhaul the lot of ye!

ImageZhang Xun: And how are you supposed to make us?

ImageYang Jin: By shooting hundreds of arrows at you.

ImageJi Ling: That works for us.

ImageSong Ren: Yang Jin? I thought I threw you in the river.

ImageYang Jin: That ye did, but I'm a pirate! I'm made of tougher stuff than that! I managed to escape, and assembled my fleet to save you.

ImageHan Zhong: Actually, it's my fleet, but I got tired of fighting with him. Besides, all the men listen to me anyway.

ImagePirate: Now we're really the Pirates of Dark Water!

ImageHan Zhong: Quit saying that. Anyway, we only came because we found a note promising free women and powder.

ImageChen Deng: Normally I would oppose such a blatent deus ex machina, but at least Song Yong wasn't responsible for it this time.

ImageSong Yong: I'm just glad I didn't get my head smashed against the gate.

ImageSong Ren: Don't think I won't try it again next time.

ImageWang Gui: Maybe I should have just stayed in Hong Kong...

more to come...
---
Meanwhile, at the 2008 E3 convention, CAPCOM unveils their Destiny of an Emperor remake:

"This game is based on actual Chinese history."
Image
"So here's this giant enemy scorpion."
Last edited by Taishi Ci 2.0 on Sun Jul 29, 2007 7:25 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Unread postby Perhong_Angtong » Sun Jul 29, 2007 1:11 pm

Taishi Ci 2.0 wrote:Ji Ling: Probably, but less fun for us. Now go away or we shall taunt you a second time!


Yay! Monty Python reference!!!

Also, I was wondering about this:

Taishi Ci 2.0 wrote:Meanwhile, at the 2008 E3 convention, CAPCOM unveils their Destiny of an Emperor remake:

"This game is based on actual Chinese history."

"So here's this giant enemy scorpion."

Is this true, or is it a joke?

Waiting for the next update!
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Unread postby Jedi » Sun Jul 29, 2007 2:32 pm

Lol Liu Bei likes Sailor moon
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Unread postby Taishi Ci 2.0 » Sun Jul 29, 2007 5:37 pm

The part at the end is a reference to Sony's 2006 E3 conference. They were showing off some of their games, and one of them was Genji II.

The playtester guy said "This game is based on history. Being based on history, it contains actual battles which actually took place in Japanese history." Then the screen shows an enemy crab jump out, and the guy says "So here's this giant enemy crab."

That picture's from Koei's online Three Kingdoms game.

Edit: I really should have said this sooner, but I didn't come up with this format. "Thumbnail Theaters", as they are called, were apparently started by this guy and then gained popularity elsewhere. You can find a few of them if you google "Thumbnail Theater", although I think most of them are anime parodies.
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Unread postby Taishi Ci 2.0 » Sat Aug 04, 2007 6:47 am

Destiny of an Emperor Parody: Part 19
---
At Nan Yang Castle...

ImageYuan Shu: There's been a lack of Yuan Shu in this story arc, so we're shifting the focus to me now. Bask in my glory, readers.

ImageYuan Yin: Who are you talking to?

ImageYuan Shu: What? Oh, um, just mumbling to myself.

ImageYuan Yin:...Right. Well anyways, I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?

ImageYuan Shu: Do we still have all the ladies from the surrounding area?

ImageYuan Yin: Yes, but that's not--

ImageYuan Shu: Then I fail to see what the bad news could be.

ImageYuan Yin: It's worse than that! Our scouts report that Liu Bei's army has captured Yuan and Huai Nan, and freed Guan Yu and Zhang Fei. They're going to come here next!

ImageYuan Shu: How the hell did my generals manage to screw up?

ImageImageChen Ji & Lei Bo: We blame sobriety.

ImageImageZhang Xun & Ji Ling: We blame the bad writing.

ImageYuan Shu: Clearly finding good help is so hard these days.

ImageYuan Yin: Which brings me to the good news. I found someone who wanted to join us.

ImageYuan Shu: And who would that be?

ImageJia Xu: I am the great and powerful Jia Xu. Hire me, please.

ImageYuan Shu: Didn't you used to work for Dong Zhuo?

ImageJia Xu: Yes, but I managed to escape and now I want to get revenge on Liu Bei. So I came here to join up. With my tactics, you're sure to win!

ImageYuan Yin: If that's the case, how did Dong Zhuo lose?

ImageJia Xu: Don't point out such minor details, the present is what's important.

ImageYuan Shu: Perhaps you have a plan for dealing with Liu Bei's army right now?

ImageJia Xu: Chang An's just down the river from here. Why not send your navy to capture it while Liu Bei's army is still at Huai Nan?

ImageYuan Shu: Don't be silly, nobody has a navy in this game.

ImageJia Xu: Well then, just get your brother to bail you out with some reinforcements or something.

ImageYuan Shu: That is an excellent idea. I'm glad I thought of it. Yuan Yin, go find Yuan Shao and tell him to bring his army here.

ImageYuan Yin: Wow, I get to go play in the snow. Thanks, Yuan Shu! *leaves*

ImageYuan Shu: That's Lord Yuan Shu to you! Why doesn't anyone ever say that?

ImageJia Xu: *ahem*

ImageYuan Shu: Oh, you. Right, I guess you're in. I hope you enjoy working for an Emperor.

ImageJia Xu: Considering my previous employer was only Prime Minister, I'll take that as a promotion.

ImageYuan Shu: Don't think you'll be getting a raise out of it, though.

Meanwhile, in Huai Nan's throne room...

ImageWang Gui: I was thinking, Nan Yang's just up the river from here. Why don't we use the pirate fleet to just sail there?

ImageLiu Feng: Because no one else has a navy and it wouldn't be very fair.

ImageHuo Hu: Besides, they left after they found there wasn't actually a large amount of women and powder here after all.

ImageSong Ren: If there is justice in the world, Yang Jin went with them.

ImageYang Jin: Avast, 'tis me old mates!

ImageSong Ren: I am now going into the city to find a new drug to abuse. Please keep him away from me. *leaves*

ImageYang Jin: What's got his timbers all shivered?

ImageHuo Hu: Never you mind that. Just wait around here for a while.

ImageWang Gui: I say, what are we waiting for this time?

ImageHuo Hu: We sent out different groups. Song Yong is going to free Guan Yu, Zhang Fei and Lu Bu; Chen Deng is going around to recon; and the others, well....I'm not exactly sure what they're up to.

Somewhere nearby...

ImageGuan Ping: I bet 50 yuan Zhang Xun flies further than Ji Ling.

ImageMi Zhe: You're on. *cuts catapult ropes*

ImageImageZhang Xun & Ji Ling: *catapulted* Damn you, Mi Zhe!

In the dungeons...

ImageLu Bu: I am seriously beginning to doubt the existance of this "stranger".

ImageZhang Fei: At least when he gets here, he'll be a welcome sight.

ImageSong Yong: Hey guys, I'm back and I'm here to get you out.

ImageImageImageGuan Yu, Zhang Fei & Lu Bu:.......

ImageGuan Yu: Oh well, you're strange enough. Open the door so we can finally have normal roles in the plot again.

ImageSong Yong: Can do! *opens door*

ImageZhang Fei: I don't know whether to feel happy that I'm free or sad that once again Song Yong has bailed us out.

ImageGuan Yu: Let's just drink long enough to forget this entire thing.

ImageZhang Fei: Sounds good to me!

Song Yong, Zhang Fei and Guan Yu leave.

ImageLu Bu: Well gee. I join up with Liu Bei and I spend most of my time in jail....I might need to think about finding a better gig than this.

Back in the throne room...

ImageChen Deng: I'm back from my trip.

ImageHuo Hu: Anything useful?

ImageChen Deng: It seems that the west gate of Nan Yang is currently under construction. It would probably be a good target for attack.

ImageHuo Hu: Good, we can make a plan around that. I should have something ready by tomorrow. We need to actually have something to go on this time instead of winging it like we usually do.

ImageLiu Feng: But resolving the plot through wildly unbelievable outcomes is fun!

ImageChen Deng: Quiet, you.

ImageLiu Feng: Yes, sir.

ImageSong Ren: Did Yang Jin leave yet?

ImageHuo Hu: What? Oh, he wandered off somewhere or other.

ImageSong Ren: Good. I just bought some "Power Pills" from a back alley salesman and I'm going to go try them.

ImageWang Gui: My God, does everyone in this kingdom use drugs?

ImageSong Ren: Why not? Drugs solve everything.

ImageWang Gui: Note to self: start importing opium....

more to come...
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Unread postby Ricky » Sat Aug 04, 2007 9:24 am

Hahaha, Song Ren and his drugs. What will that solve? :P
First upload.
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