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Unread postby Mitsunari » Tue Jun 12, 2007 9:53 pm

jebusrocks wrote:For some weird reason, the last poem makes me think of your avatar :shock:


Really? :shock: Not quite what I was expecting but...hmm! I'd love it if you'd deign to elaborate, Jebus!

Anyway, creative flourish number 2...

Shadows of the Past

As day succumbs to night, when the stars vie for brilliance,
I wander unconsciously into the realm of the past

In quiet contemplation, I ponder the bygone years,
The vivid slideshow of yesterday...it evokes such poignancy

The textured memories, so defiantly stark and close,
Cry not of remorse or bitterness, but of regret

Regret, for the frivolous heart I once abided,
Regret, for the days fraught with pitiable apathy

Rueful, of the eternity ensconced in idle dalliance,
Callous of the behest of fate...

Forlornly, I sit amidst the grim stench of decadence,
A cure for the itch...it is unforthcoming

And so I glance back to face the stricken boy of yesteryear,
But all I see...is a scarred reflection of myself

Regret makes it's mark once more,
Forever a shade of my future...


Opinions, anyone? Good aspects, bad aspects? Tell me, tell me! :lol:
Last edited by Mitsunari on Fri Jun 15, 2007 7:19 pm, edited 2 times in total.
''Even through the darkest of days, this fire burns, always...''
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Unread postby Azileron » Tue Jun 12, 2007 11:39 pm

Blimey, you're good. I really liked this one, the only thing I disliked was the title; I (for some reason) thought it sounded somewhat clichéd. But that does not detract from the poem's quality (it is just a title!).

I've also noticed you use ellipses (...) quite often. Nothing major, but it could become a full-blown punctuation addiction! :P
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Unread postby Mitsunari » Wed Jun 13, 2007 11:28 am

Azileron wrote:Blimey, you're good. I really liked this one, the only thing I disliked was the title; I (for some reason) thought it sounded somewhat clichéd. But that does not detract from the poem's quality (it is just a title!).

I've also noticed you use ellipses (...) quite often. Nothing major, but it could become a full-blown punctuation addiction! :P


Your praises are humbly accepted, mate! Thanks for your comments.

In truth, I was toying with the idea of altering the title before I posted, but that would've spoiled the ending line! :lol: And yes, the ellipses are appearing more and more...see! I have no control over them!
Seriously though, I included them to break the poem up a bit. But yeah, I seem to be overusing them, which I'll try and amend.

Thanks again! :D
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Unread postby Mitsunari » Fri Jun 15, 2007 11:37 am

Here's one I scribbled out yesterday. The inspiration behind it is the 'loco' girl that compelled me to write 'Lucky Dip' some years ago.

Machiavellian Mastermind

Beneath the psychedelic rays, amidst the chattering dirge,
She emerged from beyond the mass, like an iridescent myth.

Captivated was I, entranced by the alluring vision yonder,
And as the cacophony peaked at it's zenith, all I heard was silence.

Her trap was preemptively lain, awaiting a fool to snare,
An incorrigible honey trap; her hooks hidden from sight.

Enticed into the lair, into the domain of the beast,
I sauntered obliviously; heeding not the sirens sounding in my ears.

The voices pleaded 'not again' as the threshold was passed,
Imploring, beseeching 'enter ye not', but all in vain.

Her prey was the meek, the coercible and the easily manipulated,
Men bereft of guile and ardour.

The incarceration was interminable: an age of machiavellian deceit,
The mastermind took her fill, engorging on my lifeblood.

Pity for her, the death of me curtailed her parasitic consumptions,
And as I felt the cold hand of the reaper, I embraced him like I would a saviour.

Thus came liberation, planted underneath a flag of surrender,
Dead to the world I remain, even to this very hour.

Forever condemned by an avaricious heart...


Edit: Guh, where's the feisty sun-burnt one when you need a critique... :P
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Unread postby Kristina » Fri Jul 06, 2007 8:31 pm

XD She's here!


Although I don't have the mind for an indepth critique, I do like the last one the best.

(I've got Bring It On Again playing behind me. . .it's sapping my intelligence!)
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Unread postby Mitsunari » Sat Jul 07, 2007 11:00 pm

Kristina wrote:XD She's here!

Although I don't have the mind for an indepth critique, I do like the last one the best.

(I've got Bring It On Again playing behind me. . .it's sapping my intelligence!)


'Don't have the mind' to provide a critique?! Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighty-ho then. A simple 'This part was good/awful, this was dreadful/pretentious/schmaltzy/penguin and that was downright heartfelt/tear-inducing/vomit-inducing/painful to read' would have sufficed, dang it! :lol:

I'm glad you liked the last one, you were the inspiration after all!!!! :shock: :twisted:

Was I jesting? Who knows...

Edit: Yes, I was jesting. Golly gee, we've been friends for over two months now and you still don't 'get' my humour! :lol: Either that or you're ignoring me. Again.

Probably the latter. :P
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Unread postby Mitsunari » Sat Jul 21, 2007 1:35 pm

Image


For all of you San Comic fans out there! :lol:

I have a few more sketches to post, however they're not scanning particularly well. I'm going to have to go over them again with pencil, or fine liner if need be.
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Unread postby Baiko Arashi » Sat Jul 21, 2007 1:47 pm

Mitsunari wrote:Image


For all of you San Comic fans out there! :lol:

I have a few more sketches to post, however they're not scanning particularly well. I'm going to have to go over them again with pencil, or fine liner if need be.

hehehe I love that guy...and nice handwriting mines terrible.
eh, ill find something witty to put here later.

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Unread postby Mitsunari » Sat Jul 21, 2007 2:11 pm

Thanks Baiko, I try my best! :wink:

I'm planning on sketching a few others from the San Comics soon, though I'm spoiled for choice really. Thus, I'm undecided who to draw.

Anyone have any requests or suggestions? :D
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Unread postby Baiko Arashi » Sat Jul 21, 2007 2:12 pm

Gan Ning!

..yes Baiko chose Gan Ning, who didn't see that coming?
eh, ill find something witty to put here later.

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