Fate of a Rebel/Parody of the Three Kingdoms

[Ricky]

Ye gods man it's been forever, where's my story?!
I cry myself to sleep thinking about how you haven't posted another one every night.

Feel the same way, Adam honestly I look all the time if theres a new one.

[Foif]

The DoaE force already has drug and alcohol problems...fortunately there is a bar south of Chang An where Zhao Yun resides.

I remember it took me a really long time to get that drunken bastard, Zhao Yun!

[Taishi Ci 2.0]

I was ready to update this, but then suddenly I have a job to go to, and then I had to graduate from high school, and then Der Langrisser's English translation came out...yeah. Here you go.

Destiny of an Emperor Parody: Part 15
---
Liu Bei: So guys, what's the update on things? Did you get my appointment as governor?

Guan Yu: Yeah, we talked to the Emperor in Yang Zhou and he said it was alright.

Zhang Fei: Not to mention that we captured all these cities.

Liu Bei: You managed to kill Dong Zhuo?

Zhang Fei: Yeah, we pretty much own all these cities now.

Liu Bei: But what about the coalition leaders?

Yuan Shao: Can't talk, playing in the snow.

Yuan Shu: Can't talk, planning hostile takeover.

Cao Cao and Sun Ce: Can't talk, the scriptwriters didn't give us any more lines.

Zhang Fei: Yeah, we pretty much own all these cities now.

Song Ren: Hey Boss, since you own the capital now, shouldn't you declare yourself Emperor?

Guan Yu: I don't think that's a good idea. You can't really base your Emperorship on owning something.

Liu Bei: Yeah, for now I'll just stick with Governor.

Song Yong: But being the Emperor would be awesome! You could kill anyone you wanted, and build palaces you never visit, and all that jazz.

Liu Bei: What's stopping me from doing that now?

Guan Yu: A sense of virtue and a low budget?

Liu Bei: That works for me. By the way, what did you guys do with all of Dong Zhuo's old officers?

Zhang Fei: Yeah, about that...

Elsewhere...

Han Zhong: OK, next number is B12.

Li Jue: Bingo!

Turbans and Rebel Officers: Damn you, Liu Jue!

Meanwhile, in Nan Yang castle...

Yuan Shu: Look, the game's called Destiny of an Emperor for a reason. If he's not going to become Emperor, then I will.

Emperor: But I'm already the Emperor!

Yuan Shu: You don't count.

Emperor:...*cry*

Ji Ling: What are your orders, sir?

Yuan Shu: Alright, first off, you will now address me as Lord Yuan Shu, because that just has a nice ring to it. Second, since I'm the Emperor now, I'm changing the land's name from Han to Cheng.

Zhang Xun: Don't you mean Zhong?

Lord Yuan Shu: Hey, I'm in charge here. I think I know what to name my own kingdom.

Ji Ling: Anything else?

Lord Yuan Shu: Yes, I want you to go round up all the good-looking ladies in my kingdom and bring them to me so I can have a little fun.

Ji Ling: Understood, Lord Yuan Shu.

Zhang Xun: What about Liu Bei's army?

Lord Yuan Shu: Don't worry, I've got a plan that should keep them occupied. Somebody get my brother on speed-dial...

Back in Chang An...

Liu Bei: Well I'm off to go governate for a while. You guys find something to do. *leaves*

Song Ren: So what did you guys do for fun before you started killing rebels and pillaging towns?

Zhang Fei: Well, Liu Bei sold shoes and mats, and I was a butcher. I think Guan Yu was on the run from the law.

Guan Yu: But since we're the law now, I guess I don't really have to worry much.

Lu Bu: Hey, here comes a soldier.

Rebel Force: Ah, hello. I'm a messenger of Lord Yuan Shu.

Lu Bu: What does he want?

Rebel Force: He'd like to invite Liu Bei's strongest warriors to his famous bar, just south of here, as celebration of their victory over Dong Zhuo.

Zhang Fei: Tell him we'll be there.

Rebel Force: Thank you. *leaves*

Guan Yu: Strongest warriors, eh? I guess that means me, Zhang Fei, and Lu Bu...

Song Yong: Don't forget me! I'm Song Yong the Mighty!

Guan Yu: Yes, yes, we get it, you're stupid. You can stop reminding us now.

Song Yong: Come on, let me come! There's nothing to do around here.

Zhang Fei: Fine, whatever. But you better be able to hold your wine.

Later, at the bar...

Lu Bu: Hey, we're from Liu Bei's army and we're here to get drunk. Let us in.

Rebel Force: Right away, sir.

Guan Yu: We better keep our eyes open while we're here. Who knows what kind of plots are forming in this place?

Song Yong: Think I'll listen in...

James and Xiahou Mao: Let's let Pikachu take over the forums!

Lady Wu and Starscream: Let's hype up an obscure RTK game series and tantalize the forum with pretty photos!

Lord Yuan Shu: Let's use this opportunity to promote my website! Join now and get 50% more ultimate happiness!

Song Yong: Wow, these people are evil!

Zhang Fei: At least there aren't any other weirdos around here.

Zhao Yun: Strike a pose!

Lu Bu: What the hell? Who are you?

Zhao Yun: I'm Zhao Yun, professional long-haired prettyboy. Every true RPG has to have at least one.

Guan Yu: Oh yeah, we've really been hurting for one of those. Want to join Liu Bei's army?

Zhao Yun: Sorry, man, but I am already serving someone: "Gong Sun Qian".

Lu Bu: Never heard of him.

Zhao Yun: And you never will again, because he has less screentime than the Emperor. I guess he's not very important.

Gongsun Zan: Let's see you hold back the barbarian hordes. Punks.

Lu Bu: Why are you here then?

Zhao Yun: Yuan Shu said there'd be a party here, and I never turn down free wine.

Zhang Xun: You're all from Liu Bei's army, right? Good job on killing Dong Zhuo.

Song Yong: Oh, it was nothing for men like me. Just a few swings and he gave up.

Zhang Fei: I will avoid killing Song Yong only if wine is forthcoming.

Zhang Xun: Here you go, wine for everyone. A toast, to Lord Yuan Shu!

Guan Yu: You mean Lord Liu Bei, right?

Zhang Xun: I know what I said.

Everyone drinks.

Song Yong: Hey, this is pretty good. Tastes kinda familiar, though.

Lu Bu: You drink wine every day of your life. Why wouldn't it taste familiar?

Song Yong: No, I mean, it has kind of an exotic flavor...

Lu Bu: You know, come to think of it, there is something strange about it.

Song Yong: Hey Lu Bu, did you just grow a beard? Uh oh...I think I know what's going on here.

Guan Yu: Everything's getting fuzzy...

Zhang Fei: My head hurts...

Liu Bei's army passes out.

Zhang Xun: The plan worked! Where does Lord Yuan Shu come up with such brilliant plots?

Lord Yuan Shu: Hey barkeep! Get me another drink.

Zhang Xun: Oh, that's right.

Later, back at Chang An...

Liu Bei: What's taking them so long? I have a lot of menial tasks that need doing, and they're not getting out of it over wine.

Rebel Force: Sir, this letter just came from Yuan Shu.

Liu Bei: Really? Let me see that......well, this can't be good. Bring in Song Ren and Huo Hu right away.

Rebel Force: Yes sir. *leaves*

Song Ren and Huo Hu: You wanted us, Boss?

Liu Bei: Bad news, men.

Song Ren: What's the problem?

Liu Bei: Guan Yu and Zhang Fei have been kidnapped by rebels. Are you bad enough dudes to save them?

Song Ren and Huo Hu:....

more to come...

[Ricky]

That was so funny!! I think its great to say that Taishi Ci is the funniest in SoSZ! Im gonna read it 20 more times. That James and Xiahou Mao.

[Adam]

That does sound exactly like Lordyuanshu.
Entertaining yet not enough to placate me.
Mooooooorrrrrreeeeeeeee! Personal life is irrelevant, work is irrelevant.
The Gods demand it.

[Lordyuanshu]

Really long episodes like that are the best. Keep it up my friend.

[ZhugeLiangVN]

Haha, lordyuanshu in story, that's funny

[Perhong_Angtong]

Wow! More cameo stories!!! Can't wait for next update!

[Taishi Ci 2.0]

Destiny of an Emperor Parody: Part 16
---
Liu Bei: Alright, Yuan Shu has kidnapped my best warriors. Oh, and Song Yong too.

Song Ren: Like anyone cares about him.

Liu Bei: I need you guys to go find out where he took them, and also to start conquering his castles.

Huo Hu: But my lord, we're just tacticians. You don't expect us to conquer all of Yuan Shu's castles by ourselves, do you?

Liu Bei: Don't worry, I already thought of that. So with that in mind, I hired some generals from this area to help you out.

Song Ren: And they are?

Yang Jin: Ahoy there, mates!

Wang Gui: Cheerio, old chaps!

Song Ren: You can't be serious. One of them thinks he's a pirate and the other one...well, I don't know who he is, but I don't like his voice.

Wang Gui: I say, not a very nice thing to tell a fellow you just met. It's not proper.

Huo Hu: Where are you supposed to be from, Korea?

Wang Gui: Hong Kong, mate.

Liu Bei: Look, our budget's low and these were the best guys I could come up with. You're working with them whether you like it or not.

Song Ren: So what exactly are we going to use the dynamic duo here for?

Liu Bei: I want you to take Yang Jin and go to the tavern that Guan Yu and the others went to, so you can find out what happened to them. At the same time, Huo Hu is going to take Wang Gui south to Yuan castle and capture it.

Song Ren: Why do I have to take the pirate?

Yang Jin: Arr, 'tis cause Wang Gui talks funny. None of the landlubbers would understand him.

Song Ren: And yet they would know exactly what you're saying, how?

Yang Jin:...you be missing the point.

Liu Bei: Quit arguing, and get out there and follow my orders. You don't have all day.

Huo Hu: My lord, what are you going to do in the meantime?

Liu Bei: I'm going to go try and rebuild the capital, since you men were so effective in saving it from being destroyed.

Song Ren and Huo Hu: Yeah, our bad.

Meanwhile, in an undisclosed location...

Zhang Fei: Damn, my head...where are we?

Lu Bu: I would guess some kind of undisclosed location, but that's just me talking.

Zhang Xun: I see you finally woke up. That powder's pretty potent stuff, I guess.

Guan Yu: What's this about powder?

Zhang Xun: Oh, that. We invited you to the tavern and then laced your drinks with some powder we got from Yuan Shao. Knocked you right out.

Guan Yu: Considering what kind of person Yuan Shu is, we really should have seen that coming.

Zhang Xun: Too bad you didn't, though. And now that you're captured, Lord Yuan Shu should have no problem conquering Liu Bei and ruling the land. Have fun in there. *leaves*

Guan Yu: That's another person I'm going to have to add to my Murdering List...

Song Yong: Well I've learned my lesson. From now on, no more wine.

Zhang Fei: Forget the wine, you idiot. We need to find a way out of here.

Lu Bu: These walls don't look very strong. I bet I could knock one of them down if I tried.

Guan Yu: With what, your head?

Lu Bu: It hasn't failed me yet!

Guan Yu: I guess it depends on what you mean by that...

Song Yong: I have an idea! What if we tried to break the bars by tapping the up button every half-second until they break?

Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, and Lu Bu:.....

Zhang Fei: Lu Bu, I think I better help you with that headbutting.

Song Yong: Oh, you guys are no fun...

At Yuan Shu's tavern...

Song Ren: We're going to make this simple. We walk in, we ask about Guan Yu and Zhang Fei, then we leave. No drinking, ok?

Yang Jin: Have they got any rum?

Guan Ping: I don't think they've invented that yet.

Yang Jin: Well then, worry not, mates. I am an excellent negotiator when sober.

Song Ren: Of course you are. Now go sit in the corner while Guan Ping and I talk to people.

Yang Jin: No respect for Yang Jin, eh? I'll make you walk the plank if you speak to me that way again.

Song Ren: Ok, first of all, the ocean is nowhere near here. How would you kick us overboard? Plus you don't even have a ship.

Guan Ping: Maybe he has a flying ship?

Song Ren: What, like an airship? What kind of stupid idea is that?

Cids:...*cry*

Guan Ping: I think we're getting distracted. Let's go talk to someone.

Song Ren: We need to think: what would Guan Yu and Zhang Fei be doing in a tavern?

Guan Ping: I would assume getting drunk.

Song Ren: Then let's talk to the bartender. Hey barkeep, come here for a second.

Barkeep: Can I help you?

Guan Ping: Have you seen anyone in here with an unusually large beard?

Barkeep: Hmmmm.....



Barkeep: You might want to narrow it down a little there.

Song Ren: We're looking for a tall guy with an oversized beard, a burly-looking guy with a headband, and another guy with light-colored hair.

Yang Jin: Don't forget Song Yong, arrr.

Barkeep: Sorry, haven't seen any...wait, you said Song Yong? I've seen him here.

Guan Ping: Do you know him?

Barkeep: Aye, he's got a very large tab at all the local bars.

Song Ren: Why am I not surprised? Nevermind, where did you see him?

Barkeep: He was talking to some fellows in the corner when they all passed out, or something. Then they got dragged out of here by someone.

Song Ren: Do you know where they went?

Barkeep: Well, I think Zhang Xun was the guy who dragged them out, so I'd guess they went to Huai Nan castle.

Guan Ping: Guess that's where we need to go then. Thanks for the info.

Barkeep: If you manage to find Song Yong, I don't suppose you could get the money he owes, could you?

Song Ren: We can't promise you anything.

Meanwhile, outside Yuan castle...

Huo Hu: Ok, from what I've been told, we're just going to sit here and wait here for the enemy.

Wang Gui: Err, wait for the enemy to do what?

Mi Zhe: What usually happens is, we just walk up to the gates, and the enemy army comes out and fights us.

Wang Gui: Well that sounds like a bloody foolish plan. What kind of moron thinks up these tactics?

Liu Feng: Look, I don't know how you do it in Korea, but we have a book on strategy here that tells us how to fight our wars.

Wang Gui: I'm from Hong Kong, not Korea! And have you blokes even read this book?

Liu Feng:...the point is that we have one.

Chen Deng: Shut up, I can see the enemy coming this way.

Chen Ji and Lei Bo: It's Liu Bei's army!

Huo Hu: Hey, we're here to kill you. Prepare to meet your doom, or whatever you kids say these days.

Chen Ji: Thank Heaven you're here! We've been waiting for you.

Chen Deng: You...you have?

Lei Bo: It's been horrible guarding this castle. Yuan Shu took away all the pretty-looking girls in town.

Chen Ji: Not to mention he confiscated all the powder we had stored here.

Chen Ji and Lei Bo: We need our hookers and blow!

Huo Hu: Calm down. I happen to have a large stash of powder with me.

Liu Feng: Can't help you with the women, though.

Lei Bo: Look, just promise us you'll get the women back and we'll surrender the castle.

Mi Zhe: Do we still get to beat you up?

Chen Ji and Lei Bo: No.

Liu Feng: See, Wang Gui? This is part of the strategy of the Art of War: to win without fighting.

Huo Hu: I am not sure this situation is what Sun Tzu had in mind...

more to come...

[Ricky]

Coke and hookers, that was still funny!