Destiny of an Emperor Parody: Part 16
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Liu Bei: Alright, Yuan Shu has kidnapped my best warriors. Oh, and Song Yong too.
Song Ren: Like anyone cares about him.
Liu Bei: I need you guys to go find out where he took them, and also to start conquering his castles.
Huo Hu: But my lord, we're just tacticians. You don't expect us to conquer all of Yuan Shu's castles by ourselves, do you?
Liu Bei: Don't worry, I already thought of that. So with that in mind, I hired some generals from this area to help you out.
Song Ren: And they are?
Yang Jin: Ahoy there, mates!
Wang Gui: Cheerio, old chaps!
Song Ren: You can't be serious. One of them thinks he's a pirate and the other one...well, I don't know who he is, but I don't like his voice.
Wang Gui: I say, not a very nice thing to tell a fellow you just met. It's not proper.
Huo Hu: Where are you supposed to be from, Korea?
Wang Gui: Hong Kong, mate.
Liu Bei: Look, our budget's low and these were the best guys I could come up with. You're working with them whether you like it or not.
Song Ren: So what exactly are we going to use the dynamic duo here for?
Liu Bei: I want you to take Yang Jin and go to the tavern that Guan Yu and the others went to, so you can find out what happened to them. At the same time, Huo Hu is going to take Wang Gui south to Yuan castle and capture it.
Song Ren: Why do I have to take the pirate?
Yang Jin: Arr, 'tis cause Wang Gui talks funny. None of the landlubbers would understand him.
Song Ren: And yet they would know exactly what you're saying, how?
Yang Jin:...you be missing the point.
Liu Bei: Quit arguing, and get out there and follow my orders. You don't have all day.
Huo Hu: My lord, what are you going to do in the meantime?
Liu Bei: I'm going to go try and rebuild the capital, since you men were so effective in saving it from being destroyed.

Song Ren and Huo Hu: Yeah, our bad.
Meanwhile, in an undisclosed location...
Zhang Fei: Damn, my head...where are we?
Lu Bu: I would guess some kind of undisclosed location, but that's just me talking.
Zhang Xun: I see you finally woke up. That powder's pretty potent stuff, I guess.
Guan Yu: What's this about powder?
Zhang Xun: Oh, that. We invited you to the tavern and then laced your drinks with some powder we got from Yuan Shao. Knocked you right out.
Guan Yu: Considering what kind of person Yuan Shu is, we really should have seen that coming.
Zhang Xun: Too bad you didn't, though. And now that you're captured, Lord Yuan Shu should have no problem conquering Liu Bei and ruling the land. Have fun in there. *leaves*
Guan Yu: That's another person I'm going to have to add to my Murdering List...
Song Yong: Well I've learned
my lesson. From now on, no more wine.
Zhang Fei: Forget the wine, you idiot. We need to find a way out of here.
Lu Bu: These walls don't look very strong. I bet I could knock one of them down if I tried.
Guan Yu: With what, your head?
Lu Bu: It hasn't failed me yet!
Guan Yu: I guess it depends on what you mean by that...
Song Yong: I have an idea! What if we tried to break the bars by tapping the up button every half-second until they break?


Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, and Lu Bu:.....
Zhang Fei: Lu Bu, I think I better help you with that headbutting.
Song Yong: Oh, you guys are no fun...
At Yuan Shu's tavern...
Song Ren: We're going to make this simple. We walk in, we ask about Guan Yu and Zhang Fei, then we leave. No drinking, ok?
Yang Jin: Have they got any rum?
Guan Ping: I don't think they've invented that yet.
Yang Jin: Well then, worry not, mates. I am an excellent negotiator when sober.
Song Ren: Of course you are. Now go sit in the corner while Guan Ping and I talk to people.
Yang Jin: No respect for Yang Jin, eh? I'll make you walk the plank if you speak to me that way again.
Song Ren: Ok, first of all, the ocean is nowhere near here. How would you kick us overboard? Plus you don't even have a ship.
Guan Ping: Maybe he has a flying ship?
Song Ren: What, like an airship? What kind of stupid idea is that?




Cids:...*cry*
Guan Ping: I think we're getting distracted. Let's go talk to someone.
Song Ren: We need to think: what would Guan Yu and Zhang Fei be doing in a tavern?
Guan Ping: I would assume getting drunk.
Song Ren: Then let's talk to the bartender. Hey barkeep, come here for a second.
Barkeep: Can I help you?
Guan Ping: Have you seen anyone in here with an unusually large beard?
Barkeep: Hmmmm.....
















Barkeep: You might want to narrow it down a little there.
Song Ren: We're looking for a tall guy with an oversized beard, a burly-looking guy with a headband, and another guy with light-colored hair.
Yang Jin: Don't forget Song Yong, arrr.
Barkeep: Sorry, haven't seen any...wait, you said Song Yong? I've seen him here.
Guan Ping: Do you know him?
Barkeep: Aye, he's got a very large tab at all the local bars.
Song Ren: Why am I not surprised? Nevermind, where did you see him?
Barkeep: He was talking to some fellows in the corner when they all passed out, or something. Then they got dragged out of here by someone.
Song Ren: Do you know where they went?
Barkeep: Well, I think Zhang Xun was the guy who dragged them out, so I'd guess they went to Huai Nan castle.
Guan Ping: Guess that's where we need to go then. Thanks for the info.
Barkeep: If you manage to find Song Yong, I don't suppose you could get the money he owes, could you?
Song Ren: We can't promise you anything.
Meanwhile, outside Yuan castle...
Huo Hu: Ok, from what I've been told, we're just going to sit here and wait here for the enemy.
Wang Gui: Err, wait for the enemy to do what?
Mi Zhe: What usually happens is, we just walk up to the gates, and the enemy army comes out and fights us.
Wang Gui: Well that sounds like a bloody foolish plan. What kind of moron thinks up these tactics?
Liu Feng: Look, I don't know how you do it in Korea, but we have a book on strategy here that tells us how to fight our wars.
Wang Gui: I'm from Hong Kong, not Korea! And have you blokes even read this book?
Liu Feng:...the point is that we have one.
Chen Deng: Shut up, I can see the enemy coming this way.

Chen Ji and Lei Bo: It's Liu Bei's army!
Huo Hu: Hey, we're here to kill you. Prepare to meet your doom, or whatever you kids say these days.
Chen Ji: Thank Heaven you're here! We've been waiting for you.
Chen Deng: You...you have?
Lei Bo: It's been horrible guarding this castle. Yuan Shu took away all the pretty-looking girls in town.
Chen Ji: Not to mention he confiscated all the powder we had stored here.

Chen Ji and Lei Bo: We need our hookers and blow!
Huo Hu: Calm down. I happen to have a large stash of powder with me.
Liu Feng: Can't help you with the women, though.
Lei Bo: Look, just promise us you'll get the women back and we'll surrender the castle.
Mi Zhe: Do we still get to beat you up?

Chen Ji and Lei Bo: No.
Liu Feng: See, Wang Gui? This is part of the strategy of the Art of War: to win without fighting.
Huo Hu: I am not sure this situation is what Sun Tzu had in mind...
more to come...
"You have attacked us before, and we survived! You cannot defeat us. Submit!"
"We have. You did. We can. No."