Fate of a Rebel/Parody of the Three Kingdoms

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Unread postby Taishi Ci 2.0 » Tue May 08, 2007 11:53 pm

Destiny of an Emperor Parody: Part 11
---
Somewhere west of Luo Yang...

ImageSong Ren: So we're going after Dong Zhuo by ourselves? Without any support from the other lords?

ImageGuan Yu: Umm...

ImageYuan Shu: What a shiny seal! I'll take it!

ImageYuan Shao: We beat Dong Zhuo and won nothing! I declare a victory!

ImageCao Cao: Dong Zhuo's around here somewhere...

ImageGuan Yu: Pretty much, yeah.

ImageSong Ren: And this idea doesn't strike you as, I don't know, really stupid?

ImageZhang Fei: It worked against the Yellow Turbans, didn't it?

ImageHuo Hu: Ah, but the Yellow Turbans were just an unruly mob. Remember, Dong Zhuo managed to capture the capital and kidnap the Emperor. Surely he's had a backup plan for just such an occasion. I shudder to think what defenses we'll be going up against.

Meanwhile, in Yang Zhou...

ImageDong Zhuo: Ok, Lu Bu, I am putting you in charge here while I head back to Chang An. It shouldn't be too hard to govern this city.

ImageLu Bu: And if the Coalition attacks me?

ImageDong Zhuo: Don't worry about that, I'm leaving my best strategist with you.

ImageLu Bu: You mean Li Ru?

ImageDong Zhuo: No, actually Li Ru got lost on the way out of Luo Yang.

ImageJia Xu: I'm Jia Xu, the best strategist in China. My tactics never fail. Fear me.

ImageLu Bu: But you haven't made any tactics yet.

ImageJia Xu: Minor details. The point is, as long as I'm here, this city won't fall.

ImageDong Zhuo: Good to know. I'm off, then. Don't screw up, Lu Bu. *leaves*

ImageJia Xu: So, Lu Bu, why did your last defensive measures fail?

ImageLu Bu: They kept bringing this guy named Song Yong, who's the best warrior in the land.

ImageJia Xu: You've seen him in action then.

ImageLu Bu: If by "seen him in action", you mean "ran away at the mere sight of him", then yes.

ImageJia Xu: Ah. Well, did you ever consider actually fighting him? I thought you were the strongest warrior in the land.

ImageLu Bu:...you know, I never thought of it that way. Thanks, Jia Xu!

ImageJia Xu: You see? I'm so brilliant, it hurts sometimes.

Back in the field...

ImageGuan Ping: We just have to try our best. What's the next city?

ImageChen Deng: According to my recon, it's Yang Zhou. And Lu Bu is the governor.

ImageLiu Feng: Maybe we shouldn't attack the same guy that kicked our asses twice already. Just a thought.

ImageHuo Hu: I believe I have a splendid idea for this problem.

ImageZhang Fei: Yeah, what is it?

ImageHuo Hu: Lu Bu has already fled from Song Yong twice before. Perhaps we can simply send him up to the gates, and Lu Bu will abandon the city in terror?

ImageSong Yong: I think I like this plan!

ImageMi Zhe: That may be the worst plan I have ever heard of. And I say that despite the fact it's already worked twice before. What are you thinking?

ImageHuo Hu: You'd be surprised what kind of inspiration you can get from a little powder.

ImageGuan Yu: I agree it's a stupid plan, but it will at least buy us some time to make up a new plan if it doesn't work.

ImageSong Yong: How can you doubt me? I'm Song Yong the Mighty! Now watch me go capture the city. *runs off*

ImageLiu Feng: At least this will be fun to watch.

ImageSong Ren: As long as we're plotting, I have an idea that might actually work. But it involves Guan Yu and a disguise.

ImageGuan Yu: Great, I always wanted to play dress-up...

Inside Yang Zhou...

ImageRebel Force: Lord Lu Bu! There's a single soldier at the gates!

ImageLu Bu: It's...it's Song Yong, isn't it?

ImageJia Xu: Lu Bu. You know what you have to do.

ImageSong Yong: Hey Lu Bu, you weakling! Come out here so I can slay you and pillage your city!

ImageLu Bu: You don't scare me, Song Yong. Not this time!

Image

ImageSong Yong: So you want to fight this time? This will be over quickly!

Seconds later...

Image

ImageSong Yong: Damnit, he got me in the spleen...

ImageLu Bu: I actually defeated him? What a weakling! I was foolish to have ever been afraid of him.

ImageMystery Man: Uh...yeah, that's right, Lord Lu Bu. He was nothing compared to you.

ImageLu Bu: Huh? Zhang Liao, is that you?

ImageZhang Liao?: Oh, er, yeah that's me. Zhang Liao.

ImageLu Bu: I thought Liu Bei's forces killed you. How'd you get away?

ImageZhang Liao?: I managed to cut my way out with my, uh, magic sword.

ImageLu Bu: I have never known you to have a magic sword. Or any sword for that matter, seeing as you're a spear user. Where'd you get the sword from?

ImageZhang Liao?: Dong Zhuo had it in one of his vaults. He's been holding out on you. You should join Liu Bei's forces, then you'll have all the treasures you want.

ImageLu Bu: You're asking me to abandon a lord who has been kind to me for another one that has been actively trying to kill both of us. Very strange.

ImageZhang Liao?: *sigh* Look boy, it's the magic Gemsword.

ImageLu Bu: Oooh, so sparkly....

ImageZhang Liao?: You want it boy? You want it?

ImageLu Bu: I must have it....

ImageZhang Liao?: Go get it, boy. *throws Gemsword*

ImageLu Bu: Mine! *chases Gemsword*

ImageZhang Liao?: What an idiot. I don't even know whether I want him on our side.

Away from the city...

ImageLu Bu: Wow, Zhang Liao has a better throwing arm than I thought. But now the Gemsword is mine!

ImageZhang Fei: Lu Bu, you fool! You fell into our trap! Now join us or die.

ImageLu Bu: If I join you, do I get to keep the sword?

ImageGuan Ping: Yes.

ImageLu Bu: Ok then, I'll join you guys.

ImageChen Deng: That was a quick change of heart. You must really be a traitor.

ImageLu Bu: Hey, I can be loyal! I just choose not to be.

ImageGuan Yu: Good thing our plan worked. At least now I don't have to wear that stupid helment anymore.

ImageLu Bu: Come on, let's go raid Yang Zhou!

ImageHuo Hu: You want to raid the city you were just guarding five minutes ago?

ImageLu Bu: Yes. Why, is there something strange about that?

ImageHuo Hu: Well it just seems rather--

ImageGuan Yu: Hey Huo Hu, there's a large supply of powder in the city too.

ImageHuo Hu:...let's go raid Yang Zhou!

more to come...

---
ImageCai Yong: Hey, weren't we supposed to be in this episode too?

ImageHu Zhen: I'm gonna talk to my agent about this...
"You have attacked us before, and we survived! You cannot defeat us. Submit!"
"We have. You did. We can. No."
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Unread postby Lordyuanshu » Wed May 09, 2007 1:28 am

I figured Hu Zhen would be his own agent considering how awesome he is.

Chang An is soon! It's almost time for Yuan Shu's territory.
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Unread postby Niahak » Wed May 09, 2007 1:33 am

Another fine episode! Keep it up.
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Unread postby Adam » Wed May 09, 2007 2:09 am

So that's where it went.
I thought James had deleted it due to being upstaged or some such nonsense.
I never look at the stickied threads in here anymore, luckily I somehow thought this was the Pub...stupid 308034 tabs at once.

Anyway, more powder abuse please. :P
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Unread postby Perhong_Angtong » Sat May 12, 2007 3:12 pm

Having a hard time finding inspiration? Or just an hard time at finding time?

Anyway, don't give up! It's really good!
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Unread postby Taishi Ci 2.0 » Sat May 12, 2007 4:01 pm

Sorry, just been rather busy lately with school stuff. More will come.
"You have attacked us before, and we survived! You cannot defeat us. Submit!"
"We have. You did. We can. No."
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Unread postby Perhong_Angtong » Sat May 12, 2007 4:56 pm

Great, we're all waiting then! Wondering what you'll do with Yuan Shu (The part where you can release or execute him).
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Unread postby Lordyuanshu » Sat May 12, 2007 4:59 pm

Save him please. He needs more air time.

Well, unfortunately I don't have creative control here.
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Unread postby Taishi Ci 2.0 » Sat May 12, 2007 7:48 pm

Hopefully this will tide you guys over a little...

Destiny of an Emperor Parody: Part 12
---
With Lu Bu's help, Liu Bei's forces quickly capture Yang Zhou...

ImageGuan Yu: It's about time we actually captured a decent city. Now Lu Bu, how much farther is Chang An? We need to find the Emperor.

ImageLu Bu: Well, Chang An's just across the western mountains, but I think the Emperor is still here.

ImageMi Zhe: What, you didn't move him to Chang An already?!?

ImageLu Bu: Yeah, about that...

Flashback...

ImageRebel Force: Lord Dong Zhuo, there's only enough room on the last cart for the Emperor or yet another box of your oversized hats.

ImageDong Zhuo: Decisions, decisions...

End flashback...

ImageLu Bu: Dong Zhuo said something about it being a "strategic calculation." I think he's still in the dungeon.

ImageGuan Yu: Alright then, Zhang Fei, you take some of our officers to go round up the treasure. The rest of us are going to go see the Emperor.

ImageZhang Fei: Lu Bu comes with us, though. He'd know where all the treasure is.

Guan Yu goes to the dungeon to find...

ImageCao Cao: Hey guys, what's up?

ImageSong Ren: What's this? Why is Cao Cao here?

ImageSong Yong: I know! This is the big plot twist: Cao Cao was the Emperor all along!

ImageCao Cao: What the hell are you talking about? That's the Emperor over there.

Emperor Xian: Hello everyone.

ImageGuan Yu: That's him alright. Sorry, your majesty, I didn't recognize you since you didn't have an avatar.

Emperor Xian: I understand. You'd really think I would have one though. Seeing as I'm the supreme ruler of the world and all. But no, no avatars for poor me...*whine*

ImageGuan Yu: Since we're here, I don't suppose you could officially appoint Liu Bei governor of Xuzhou?

Emperor Xian: Oh sure, why not? It's not like I get another scene in this story anyway.

ImageSong Ren: So Cao Cao, you didn't actually tell us how you got here. Before us. Without being seen.

ImageCao Cao: I got caught in an ambush. I'm standing in a dungeon. You do the math.

ImageSong Yong:...you got in through the secret trapdoor?

ImageCao Cao: Is he always this stupid?

ImageMi Zhe: Yes, yes he is.

Emperor Xian: I mean, even Liu Zheng gets more screentime. And he's a generic leader! It's not fair...*whine*

Meanwhile, across the city...

ImageZhang Fei: Wow, you weren't kidding about there being treasure here. Did we find it all?

ImageLu Bu: I think so...no wait, I forgot about my horse! Can't leave without Red Hare!

ImageLiu Feng: Great, just tell us where it is and we'll go get it.

ImageLu Bu: I don't know the exact location, but I wrote it down on this piece of paper.

ImageChen Deng: What's it say?

ImageLu Bu: "8 yards west and 1 yards south."

ImageChen Deng:...and?

ImageLu Bu: That's all it says.

ImageLiu Feng: How do you expect us to find it when those are the only directions? It could be anywhere.

ImageZhang Fei: We'll just send out someone to look for it while the rest of us head for Chang An. I suggest making Huo Hu do it.

ImageChen Deng: I don't know about that, Huo Hu's been raiding all the powder stores lately.

ImageZhang Fei: Would one of you two prefer to do it?

ImageImageChen Deng and Liu Feng: Hell no.

ImageZhang Fei: Alright then. Huo Hu, get over here.

ImageHuo Hu: What is it? I'm trying to use my powder here.

ImageZhang Fei: We need you to go find this horse while we're at Chang An. Here's some directions. Have fun.

ImageHuo Hu: Oh boy, it's like I'm on a quest. Better than spelunking I suppose. But how will I catch up with you once I'm done?

ImageLu Bu: Don't worry about that, Chi Tu Ma is the fastest horse ever. You shouldn't have to worry.

Huo Hu leaves.

ImageGuan Yu: Have you guys found all the treasure yet?

ImageLu Bu: Most of it. Dong Zhuo has the rest in Chang An.

ImageMi Zhe: Which is convienent because we're going there anyway.

ImageSong Ren: Why do we have to go there? We have the seal for Liu Bei. Can't we just go home now?

ImageZhang Fei: No, Liu Bei would just send us back out. We have to finish off Dong Zhuo.

ImageSong Ren: *sigh* Let's get going then.

Meanwhile, below Yang Zhou castle...

ImageJia Xu: So, Lu Bu joined Liu Bei's forces? No wonder my plan failed. But no matter, I will simply return to Chang An and inform Dong Zhuo of these events. Together we will defeat Liu Bei!

Emperor: Um, we're still down here too, you know.

ImageCao Cao: Is it really a good idea to reveal your plans to the Emperor and the soon-to-be Prime Minister?

ImageJia Xu: It is when neither of you have any more lines in this story.

ImageCao Cao and Emperor: Damn you, script writers!

more to come...
"You have attacked us before, and we survived! You cannot defeat us. Submit!"
"We have. You did. We can. No."
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Unread postby Perhong_Angtong » Sat May 12, 2007 7:55 pm

Ha, the art of No-screentime...
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