Fate of a Rebel/Parody of the Three Kingdoms

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Unread postby Taishi Ci 2.0 » Sat Apr 28, 2007 8:27 pm

Destiny of an Emperor Parody: Part 5
---
In the back room of a house in Xuzhou...

ImageChen Deng: Alright, genius, what's the plan for attacking Qingzhou?

ImageHan Zhong: Well, since all of the Zhang brothers are there now, they've probably gathered all the Yellow Turban officers to guard the gate. So a frontal attack is crazy.

ImageJames: Crazy like a fox!
Image

ImageHan Zhong: So what you should do is attack from the rear. We're going to go through the giant hole in the ground, and then I can--

ImageZhang Fei: Wait a minute. What giant hole in the ground? We didn't see anything like that the last time we were there.

ImageHan Zhong: We hadn't started on it then.

ImageZhang Fei: You expect us to believe you dug a giant hole in the ground in under a week?

ImageHan Zhong: It was a group of men I left behind, actually. I was busy building a bridge over the Chang Jiang. Thanks to a certain signpost.

ImageSong Ren: Hey, don't blame me for your own stupidity. By the way, what city did you attack to get that gold?

ImageLiu Bei: Let's not worry about that now. Just finish the plan.

ImageHan Zhong: Once we get in the hole, I'll get my men to build a bridge over the river inside, and then you fellows can attack the castle from behind.

ImageGuan Yu: We don't really have any better options. Let's do it.

At the giant hole behind Xuzhou...

ImageMi Zhe: Wow, what a hole. Is it just me, or is the hole as big as the mountains around us?

ImageChen Deng: Shouldn't they have guards out here to protect the giant hole in their backyard?

ImageHan Zhong: They have guards, they're just inside the door.

ImageSong Ren: What door would that be?

ImageHan Zhong: The one at the bottom of the hole.

ImageSong Yong: See you guys at the bottom! *jumps in*

ImageHan Zhong: Now why didn't he just take the stairs?

Inside the hole...

ImageHan Zhong: You guys just stay put while I talk to this chap over here.

ImageSong Yong: Oh Heaven. I think I've broken every bone in my body. Someone kill me now.

ImageLiu Bei: No can do. We still need to use you as pack labor.

ImageBrigand Force: Back already, Boss? What's wrong?

ImageHan Zhong: Liu Bei's army captured Tie Men Xia and they're on their way here! Build me a bridge so I can get inside and help reinforce the castle.

ImageBrigand Force: Makes sense. But, Boss, maybe you could explain why Liu Bei's army is right over there?

ImageHan Zhong: It's a test to see how quickly you can build a bridge. You better get started.

ImageBrigand Force: What's that, Boss? I can't hear you from all the way over this bridge.

ImageGuan Yu: That...that was the fastest bridge-building I've ever seen. I just saw it happen and I still don't know how he did it.

ImageLiu Bei: Less talking, more walking, people.

ImageHan Zhong: You're impressed, I see. Does this mean I get a promotion?

ImageZhang Fei: Yeah, you're a pirate now.

Zhang Fei pushes Han Zhong and the Brigand Force into the river and they wash away.

ImageBrigand Force: We're the Pirates of Dark Water!

ImageHan Zhong: Oh, shut up.

ImageGuan Yu: So which way is the way to the back of the castle?

ImageMi Zhe: There appears to be two paths: a nicely-lit path which I can see the end of, or a dark and spooky path that looks like it goes on forever.

ImageLiu Bei: I think the answer to this one is obvious.

Several hours later, stumbling through the dark...

ImageChen Deng: Remind me why we took this path again.

ImageGuan Yu: Because Liu Bei claims that the path which looks more dangerous is always the one that leads to the exit.

ImageChen Deng: But that makes no sense.

ImageGuan Yu: Just be glad we're not being led by Song Ren.

ImageSong Ren: I resent that. Anyway, at least thing's can't get any worse.

ImageImageImageZhang Brothers: Boo.

ImageLiu Bei: Ah, it's them!

ImageZhang Jao: You have managed to defeat us before by ourselves...

ImageZhang Bao: But now that we've united...

ImageZhang Liang You will never overcome the powers of...

ImageImageImageZhang Brothers: The Zhang Brothers!

ImageZhang Fei: I can't believe they actually think that by teaming up they're going to win. I mean, there's seven of us and three of them. I say we rush them.

ImageGuan Yu: Good plan. Let's go!

Thirty seconds later...

ImageImageImageImageImageLiu Bei's army: *dead*

ImageSong Ren: Why am I not surprised that we're the only ones alive?

ImageSong Yong: Brother! Don't you see? They're only winning because they've teamed up as brothers. We need to do the same!

ImageSong Ren: You know, Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei are brothers, and they just got their asses kicked.

ImageSong Yong: But we have our secret weapon. We have to use it.

ImageSong Ren: You don't mean...oh Heaven, I had hoped never to have to try this. Fine, let's do it.

ImageImageSong Brothers: Wonder Song Powers, Activate! *poof*

ImageXiahou Mao: Oh yeah. Time to show you what Xiahou Mao can do!

Thirty seconds and one epic battle later...

ImageImageZhang Bao and Zhang Liang: *dead*

ImageSong Ren: How exactly did we gain the power to transform into some random loser?

ImageSong Yong: I bought the spell from a crazy old man near Jizhou a few years back.

ImageLiu Bei: Hey, we're alive. Song Ren, did you guys defeat them?

ImageSong Ren: That would be correct.

ImageZhang Fei: Hey Zhang Jao, looks like your little rebellion is over. Got any last words?

ImageZhang Jao: Curse you, Liu Bei! I swear, one day you will reincarnate as teenage girls, and then I'll have the last laugh! *dies*

ImageImageImageLiu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei: Like that'll ever happen.

1800 years later, in Japan...

ImageIkki Tousen versions of Shu: Damn you, Zhang Jao!

more to come...
"You have attacked us before, and we survived! You cannot defeat us. Submit!"
"We have. You did. We can. No."
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Unread postby Baiko Arashi » Sat Apr 28, 2007 8:40 pm

haha,still great. How far do you plan on this going?
eh, ill find something witty to put here later.

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Unread postby Taishi Ci 2.0 » Sat Apr 28, 2007 8:43 pm

Hopefully the whole game and then Destiny of an Emperor 2 as well. I just need to make some time for this now and then.
"You have attacked us before, and we survived! You cannot defeat us. Submit!"
"We have. You did. We can. No."
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Unread postby Adam » Sat Apr 28, 2007 8:44 pm

Wasn't aware James was alive back then...nice little cameo.
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Unread postby Taishi Ci 2.0 » Sat Apr 28, 2007 8:46 pm

Oh yeah, James was crazy enough to beat the front gate at the lowest possible levels at that point, so I thought he deserved to get a cameo in there.
"You have attacked us before, and we survived! You cannot defeat us. Submit!"
"We have. You did. We can. No."
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Unread postby Taishi Ci 2.0 » Sun Apr 29, 2007 3:29 am

Destiny of an Emperor Parody: Part 6
---
After finally ending the Yellow Turban rebellion, Liu Bei's army returns to Xuzhou...

ImageLiu Bei: Well men, we've done what we set out to do. Now to report to Tao Qian so I can claim my castle.

ImageGuan Yu: Yes, now I'm sure that peace will return to this region.

ImageSong Ren: Actually, I do have one minor quibble.

ImageLiu Bei: What's that?

ImageSong Ren: Was it really the smartest idea to let the former Yellow Turban officers guard Qingzhou?

ImageZhang Fei: With their leaders dead, I'm sure they're not dangerous anymore.

ImageChen Deng: Not dangerous? They could be oppressing the people, for all we know. Just think of what horrors they might be up to right now!

Meanwhile...

ImageCheng Y uan Zhi: Got any fives?

ImageImageImageTurbans: Go fish.

Back at Xuzhou...

ImageLiu Bei: Oh, never you mind about them. Let's just talk to Tao Qian.

Minister: Lord Tao Qian is not feeling well, being old and all, so he's retired to the back room.

ImageLiu Bei: Hey, Tao Qian, we defeated the Zhang brothers for you. Now pony up the castle.

Tao Qian: Liu Bei, my son. You did what I have long been to weak to do. I am tired of trying to rule. Please take this burden from me.

ImageLiu Bei: No.

Tao Qian: Please reconsider.

ImageLiu Bei: No.

Tao Qian: Please reconsider.

ImageLiu Bei: No.

Tao Qian: Please reconsider.

ImageLiu Bei: I could do this all day, old man.

ImageGuan Yu: Liu Bei, just shut up and say yes.

ImageLiu Bei: Alright, fine. Yes, I will take over Xuzhou.

Tao Qian: Took long enough. Ahem...my people will be pleased. I'm afraid my failing health has had everyone worried. Finally I can rest. *dies*

ImageZhang Fei: Hey Liu Bei, I just thought of something. Shouldn't we get the Emperor to approve your position? I mean, you're only governor now because a senile old man said so.

ImageGuan Yu: Yeah, that's a good point. We better head for Luoyang then, so we can meet him.

ImageLiu Bei: You guys go ahead and do that. I'm going to stay here for the duration. Because, you know, now that I'm governor and all, I can't be risking my life for the people like I used to.

ImageGuan Yu: So then what will you be doing while we're gone?

ImageLiu Bei: Pretty much just sitting on my ass and looking important.

ImageMi Zhe: I suppose this means we get some time off too?

ImageLiu Bei: No way, I don't pay you for that. You're going to the capital with Guan Yu and Zhang Fei.

ImageImageImageImageGeneric Officers: Slavedriver...

ImageGuan Yu: Now that Liu Bei's left, I hearby nominate myself as the main character of this story. All in favor?

ImageImageImageImageImageEveryone: Aye.

ImageLiu Feng: Nay.

ImageGuan Yu: Who the hell are you?

ImageLiu Feng: I'm Liu Feng, Liu Bei's adopted son, and therefore I should be the main character.

ImageGuan Yu: True, but you're also a generic officer, so you'll never be in charge. You can tag along though, we could use the extra men.

ImageLiu Feng: But it's not fair! My father-in-law's the governor now!

ImageZhang Fei: One, shut up. Two, he's not the official governor until the Emperor says so, so if you want him to be, you better come with us.

ImageLiu Feng: Fine. It's not like going to the capital and back will be a problem.

Messenger: Bad news! Dong Zhuo rebelled and now he's taken over the capital! We need Liu Bei's army to join us at Fan Shui Guan so the Coalition can save the Emperor!

ImageSong Ren: Hey, at least they can't get mad at me for this one.

ImageGuan Yu: Don't worry, we can help. Which way is Fan Shui Guan?

Messenger: It's not too far. You just need to go south, and you'll find it surrounded by mountains.

ImageSong Ren: Spoke too soon...

Later, at the outskirts of Fan Shui Guan...

ImageSun Ce: Ah, Guan Yu. I'm glad you guys came. We're running low on supplies here.

ImageLiu Feng: Who are you? A Yellow Turban?

ImageSun Ce: No. Actually, I hate Yellow Turbans. A Yellow Turban killed my father.

ImageSong Ren: Where did your father live?

ImageSun Ce: South of here, across the Chang Jiang. Why do you ask?

ImageSong Ren: Oh, no reason. But you haven't told us who you are.

ImageSun Ce: The name's Sun Ce. I was sent by Yuan Shao to attack this gate, but my supplier, Yuan Shu, didn't give me any supplies, so I've gotta bail out.

ImageZhang Fei: No problem, we'll just crush the guys guarding the gate here.

ImageSong Yong: By the way, you said Yellow Turbans killed your father? How come they didn't get you too?

ImageSun Ce: Oh, I was neglecting my post for a few hours to go surfing.

ImageGuan Yu: What?!? You mean you weren't there to protect your own father?
Image

ImageSun Ce: Meep! *runs off*

ImageChen Deng: Wow, Guan Yu gets pretty scary when he's mad...

ImageSong Ren: Yeah, this could be bad.

ImageHua Xiong: Hey, you people down there! You want to attack Dong Zhuo? Ha! I, Hua Xiong, will dispatch you myself.

ImageSong Yong:...Guan Yu! Isn't this guy on your Murdering List?

ImageGuan Yu: I don't know. Let me check...

People I need to brutally murder:
Those guys who want to arrest me
Zhang Jao
Zhang Bao
Zhang Liang
<s>Song Yong</s> Hua Xiong


ImageGuan Yu: Looks like he is. Everyone, charge him!

They all rush the gate and Guan Yu strikes Hua Xiong down in a single blow.

ImageHua Xiong: Hey, I won't be written out of this story that easily! Taste my blade!

ImageSong Yong: Owww! He stabbed me! *is stabbed*

ImageHua Xiong: At least...now they're one man shorter...*dies*

ImageLi Su: Lord Hua Xiong! They're stronger than I thought...but you'll never defeat Lu Bu! Just you wait!

Liu Bei's troops occupy Fan Shui Guan.

more to come...


You may be wondering why Sun Ce has an avatar. It's because even if he's only in this game for one scene and only has one line, he's still Sun Ce, so he deserves one. Also, if anyone can resize that Angry Guan Yu picture for me so it's smaller, that'd be helpful.
"You have attacked us before, and we survived! You cannot defeat us. Submit!"
"We have. You did. We can. No."
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Unread postby Lordyuanshu » Sun Apr 29, 2007 3:37 am

who is the little guy guan yu is talking to? someone generic?

I'd like to play Go Fish with Ma Yuanyi.
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Unread postby Taishi Ci 2.0 » Sun Apr 29, 2007 3:38 am

That's Sun Ce from the ROTK anime. Someone posted that picture in the anime thread and I thought it would work well with the joke.
"You have attacked us before, and we survived! You cannot defeat us. Submit!"
"We have. You did. We can. No."
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Unread postby Perhong_Angtong » Sun Apr 29, 2007 1:22 pm

And the Sun Ce avatar is fron ROTK 1, right?
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Unread postby dirtybird » Sun Apr 29, 2007 7:18 pm

Once again, you have dazzled me.
Everything i've obtained, and all i know; i give it away just to know you Lord.
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