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Three Kingdoms Parody.

Unread postPosted: Tue Dec 23, 2003 6:32 pm
by Sima Hui
I decided to make a spoof of the Three Kingdoms book. Enjoy!

Chapter 1. The Yellow Sock Rebellion.

For 400 hundred years the Sarn Dynasty has ruled China. It was founded by Liu Sandwich, a bread maker. Two hundred years later Wang Mang a sandwich hating rebel overthrew it. However Liu Cheese Roll rebuilt the Sarn Dynasty and made thousands of sandwiches for the common people.

Alas this peace would not endure for in the year 184 or Eternal Cheese and Ham reign year 5 a sock merchant named Zhang Jiao rose up with hundreds of thousands of people who thought that smelly foot garments were better than bread treats.

The Sarn goverment sent out a call for sandwich loyalists to rise up and help them. In Zhuo county a man answered this call. He was descended from Prince Corn Beef of the Sarnies. His name was Liu Bei, his style Egg Sandwich. One day he saw a game of poker being played between two blokes who looked as hard as two rock sandwiches.

"I say," he said brightly, "Would you two like to play poker with me?"

"We accept," said the man with the long silky beard home to various species of wildlife, "My name is Guan Yu and this is Zhang Fei."

After several games with the two men and one of the badgers that lived in Guan's beard Liu Bei said, " I won! I get all the money!"

"Oh no you don't," growled Guan, "Get him Fei!"

"Look," said Fei calmly, "I think this can be resolved calmly over some pints of potato juice."

"I have never seen men so willing to fight for cash and sandwiches," gasped Bei, "Let us swear an oath to purge this land of all bread haters!"

After doing this they charged out to meet the Sock rebels. Guan charged out and met the leader in combat. In doing so he wacked himself on the head and fainted. The rebel leader laughed so much that he accidentally speared himself in the chest and died.

Liu Bei charged onto the field and slew many, picking their pockets as he did so. Then a great cry went up and on the hill he saw a group of men riding valiant goats. Their leader was called Cao Cao and he shouted, "Thy doom is at an end Sock rebels! The Sarn Forces stand before you!"

He charged onto the field and wiped out the rebels. He took the brothers back with him to the main camp with thousands of socks.

"We have rid the realm of free thinking socks!" shouted Zhang Fei triumphantly, "and all that needs to be done now is to take them to the Emperor Cress.

"But the Ten Toasters wield power over him," sighed Cao Cao, "We would never be rewarded."

"Let us go anyway," said Guan Yu and Liu Bei together.

So saying, the warriors made their way to the capital of Waffle.

End of Chapter 1.

Unread postPosted: Tue Dec 23, 2003 10:24 pm
by Sima Hui
Chapter Two. Toasters Toasted.

In Waffle, named so because of the delightful treat it was famous for, resided the Emperor. He had ten advisors who looked after the Emperor's wives. They were named Marmalade, Crunchy, Buttered, Crispy, Chewy, Jam, Grilled, Margarine, Crusty and Toasty. Thus were they called the Ten Toasters.

The Emperor's regent baker was called He Jin. He Jin's generals were called Huangfu Song, Zhu Jun and Lu Zhi. All were masters of warfare and crunchy bread arts.

Regent Baker He Jin's sister was the Empress of Sarn and so he had gained a high position in the imperial bakery.

Anyway, Cao Cao and the three brothers came into the imperial capital that day carrying mountains of socks. They went up to the imperial bakery and met the Emperor.

The Emperor was sitting, dribbling with delight as he saw the captured socks.

"Who are you?" he murmured to Liu Bei.

"I am Liu Bei, my style Egg Sandwich. These are my brothers Guan Yu and Zhang Fei."

"W-W-What!?" stuttered the Emperor, "I do not allow pets here! Leave them outside with the s-s-socks. Now Cao Cao, I w-w-want to talk to you..."


The Ten Toasters convened in the deepest, smokiest depths of the concubines' bakery.

"Liu Bei and Cao Cao have done great work in preserving our sacred bread altars," whispered Crunchy, darkly, "We should reward them."

"No!" replied their leader, Toasty, "What if the Emperor starts listening to their advice? Then we would be doomed!"

The Toasters continued their debate for hours, occasionally eating toast.


Regent Baker He Jin conferred with Cao Cao, Liu Bei, Huangfu Song, Zhu Jun and Lu Zhi on how to be rid of the Ten Toasters.

"Let us call in Yuan Shao of the Central Crumpet Army," suggested Cao Cao, "He and I go back a long way."

"No!," said Huangfu Song, "Let us send a single Beagle Guard to arrest them. We do not need a full Crumpet Army to deal with ten evil Toasters."

"Yes, we do," replied Zhu Jun and Lu Zhi together.

"I don't really care either way," said Liu Bei, "As long as I get some cash I'm satisfied."


In Jizhou, famed for its food other than sandwiches, lived Yuan Shao, styled Caviar. One day he was playing Truth or Dare with Tian Feng, Ju Shou, Yan Liang, Wen Chou and Yuan Shu. It was Yuan Shao's turn to recieve a dare.

"Hmmm," said Ju Shou, thoughtfully, "I dare you to go to Waffle with your army of ten thousand and impress the regent baker."

Yuan Shao accepted and, carefully making sure he trampled any villages in his army's way started out for Waffle.


Meanwhile, Dong Zhuo, styled Cheesecake, was also raising an army to go to the orphanage in Waffle and hand out thousands of toys.With him went Li Ru his agent, Li Jue and Guo Si his bodyguards and Hua Xiong his drummer. Dong Zhuo led a pop band called the Xiliang Three. There were only two members actually but Li Ru joined occasionally to play the guitar.


Soon the army of Yuan Shao arrived. Cao Cao was delighted. He Jin was musing on what to do when the Ten Toasters came up to him.

"What do you want?" he growled.

"Your head," replied Butter, cheerfully.

Outside, Yuan Shao was getting impatient.

"Regent Baker!" he cried, "Look at my army! Isn't it wonderful? I think the imperial baker (the Emperor) would like it as well!"

Something vaguely headlike landed at his feet.

"Regent Baker!" gasped Yuan Shao, "You don't have to bow before me!"

"Um, lord," began Tian Feng uncertainly, "He's a bit dead. Shouldn't we avenge him?"

"No," said Yuan Shao, happily, "He's not dead!"

"The regent baker is dead!" screamed Cao Cao from the gates, "Avenge him!"

The army charged into the capital and commenced a punch up that even mercenaries would respect. Liu Bei and his brothers were fighting as well although Zhang Fei was meditating and Guan Yu had got his blade stuck in Crunchy's chest and couldn't dislodge it. Liu Bei was fighting well untill Toasty grabbed him and bellowed, "Where is the Emperor and his two sons?"

"I shall never reveal it to you!" Bei shouted back.

"I'll give you cash," replied Toasty.

"They went that way," replied Liu, without hesitating.

Yuan Shao was playing I-Spy in the middle of the battle and Cao Cao was charging back and forth looking for the Emperor.

Two of the Ten Toasters had escaped Waffle and were heading towards the city of Crumpet in the west.

End of Chapter Two. I'm waiting for any replies


Unread postPosted: Thu Dec 25, 2003 2:11 am
by Kevin
Aside from that are the ten toasters supposed to be the
ten eunichs?

Props to you!

Unread postPosted: Thu Dec 25, 2003 4:33 am
by K'ung-Ming
-thumbs up- Hilarious... :D

Unread postPosted: Thu Dec 25, 2003 10:36 am
by Sima Hui
Thanks! :D

Oh yeah. The Ten Toasters are spoofs of the Ten Eunuchs.

Unread postPosted: Fri Dec 26, 2003 4:39 am
by XuShu
You must have been really hungry when you wrote this, because I know I am :D ! *Runs off and makes sandwich* What made you use all those food names anyway?

Unread postPosted: Fri Dec 26, 2003 9:12 am
by Sima Hui
XuShu wrote:You must have been really hungry when you wrote this, because I know I am :D ! *Runs off and makes sandwich* What made you use all those food names anyway?

I don't know really. Maybe because Sarn rhymes with Han. Therefore I had to keep using this idea of food names. But yeah, I was hungry! :lol:

Unread postPosted: Fri Dec 26, 2003 9:25 am
by Sima Hui
Chapter 3. Pop Band Wars 1- A Boring Bodyguard.

Cao Cao frantically searched for the two princes everywhere. He finally found them safe with Dong Zhuo and his band. The Two Toasters escaped and lived in hiding for ever. Well, we could say that. The truth is that they had accidentally been trampled to death by Dong Zhuo's carriage as they chased the two princes.

Dong Zhuo and Cao Cao entered the city of Waffle and declared the lately deceased Emperor Cress' (don't ask why he's dead. It would defy human logic) eldest son, Bian, the new Emperor.

Emperor Ham, as he is remembered by history for, rewarded Cao Cao, Yuan Shao, and Dong Zhuo. Liu Bei had run away after stealing every valuable item in range of the concubines' bakery. He ran away to join his friend Gongsun Zan.

Dong Zhuo and his band set up location in the palace and with their terrible music, drove all worthy officials away.

Ding Yuan, a greedy money grabbing buisnessman set out to deal with this obscene form of goverment. He was invited to join Dong and Li Ru at the palace for dinner.

Ding Yuan arrived on time with his bodyguard, the fatally boring Lu Bu. Lu Bu fought adversaries in battle by giving "fascinating" speeches on dust untill the adversary commited suicide or fled.

Dong and Ding had the jolly sort of party in which the term "last meal" is used to describe it. Eventually Dong Zhuo had had enough.

"Now you shall get a taste of my singing!" he warbled.

However Li Ru had spotted the giant Lu Bu behind him and knowing his famous boring abillities shouted, "Lord Lu! Tell us about sand!"

Li then grabbed Dong and jumped out of the room. Then he waited for the final scream of Ding Yuan.

Lu Bu joined Dong Zhuo and together they began a pop culture of terror.

Then Cao Cao did something unexpected.

End of Chapter 3.

Unread postPosted: Sat Dec 27, 2003 12:14 am
by Lord Ma-koto Chaoying
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Very good work, very funny !! :lol: :lol: I laughed at some lines... :lol: :)

But I'm a vegetarian. I don't like to kill animals... :? Well, it always saddens me to anything relating to meat. :(

Yet, a very good writing, full of humor. :)

I'm looking forward to your next works ! :D

Lord Ma-koto

Unread postPosted: Sat Dec 27, 2003 2:24 am
by Kevin
Your third chapter wasn't as long...
Did you not have enough free time?
Still very good work, though