Three Kingdoms Parody.

Fan art, illustrations, poetry, music, photography, and more.

Vote for your fave character!

Liu Bei - "The money is mine you dumb ********!"
7
16%
Zhuge Liang - "Call again in six days baker and we'll luncheon again!"
3
7%
Cao Cao - "I'd rather be eviler than the world, than the world be evil to me! Wait, that's not right..."
7
16%
Guan Yu - "Aaargh! I stabbed myself!"
1
2%
Zhang Fei - "Potato juice anyone?"
0
No votes
Zhao Yun - "Run! Run quickly!"
2
5%
Huang Zhong - "Reminds me of 175 AD. Back then we didn't have air. We called it breath stuff!"
8
19%
Wei Yan - "So HUNGRY!"
3
7%
Pang Tong - "Ooh. You smell something?"
1
2%
Sun Quan - "Open wide and don't you dare scream!"
2
5%
Gan Ning - "Arr! We be plundering the seven seas!"
3
7%
Liao Hua - "Stop killing me!"
5
12%
Other
1
2%
 
Total votes : 43

Unread postby Sima Hui » Wed Apr 07, 2004 10:44 am

Chapter 15. Zhao Yun: With Cowardice to Match a Thousand Men. Part 1.

At Chang Ban, Cao Cao's massive army caught up with Liu Bei's forces. In the confusion to get away, Bei's son was left behind.

"Now then," said Bei, "I will give a massive reward for whoever returns my son!"

"Sir!" shouted Guan Ping, "I volunteer!"

"Mmmm," replied Liu Bei, "But who will we have for entertainment?"

"Entertainment, sir?"

"Ping, go bite off that rabid dog's head."

"Yes, sir!"

"Lick it to the wall and staple it to Southern Tibet, yes?" volunteered Zhuge Liang.

"No," said Liu Bei, "I need my main strategist with me."

He spotted a fleeing figure who tripped up and landed at Bei's feet.

"Ah!" cried Bei, "Zhao Yun! How good of you to volunteer!"

"Me, sir?" asked Yun, with a tremble, "No sir, I was merely... u-uh..."

"Tally ho, fine general!" shouted Bei, dragging the protesting man to his horse and seating him on it. He slapped the horse's rump and it ran towards the enemy lines.

Zhao Yun picked up his spear and screamed a war cry. It sounded like a little girl being told it could not have a sweetie.

He accidentally sliced off the head of Cao Cao's grovelling servant Xiahou En and nicked Cao Cao's famed dessert spoon Blue Nosher.

End of Chapter 15 Part 1.
This topic is an affront to both The Man and The Son of the Man.

-Ts'aoist

Ssuma I sucks.
He was okay when he was an obedient slave of The Man.


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Unread postby Lord Ma-koto Chaoying » Wed Apr 07, 2004 10:22 pm

:lol: Quite short, Rimmer... but... :lol: very good ! :lol:

I always have a good time when I read your parodies... :D well written and funny. :D

Keep up the good work ! :D


Lord Ma-koto
"Listening to the Way of Union
Binding oneself to oneself and to Universe by Ki,
The streak of one's fibre and the ray of one's soul
Become the pure and divine mirror of each being
In a path without fear nor violence."
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Unread postby Stedfel » Thu Apr 08, 2004 1:19 am

He spotted a fleeing figure who tripped up and landed at Bei's feet.

"Ah!" cried Bei, "Zhao Yun! How good of you to volunteer!"

"Me, sir?" asked Yun, with a tremble, "No sir, I was merely... u-uh..."

"Tally ho, fine general!" shouted Bei, dragging the protesting man to his horse and seating him on it. He slapped the horse's rump and it ran towards the enemy lines.

Zhao Yun picked up his spear and screamed a war cry. It sounded like a little girl being told it could not have a sweetie.

He accidentally sliced off the head of Cao Cao's grovelling servant Xiahou En and nicked Cao Cao's famed dessert spoon Blue Nosher.


This has to be my favorite part so far. It is an excellent parody, very funny.
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Unread postby Sima Hui » Thu Apr 08, 2004 9:51 am

Thanks everyone! Lord Ma, I intended to do it all in one go but didn't have the time.

Chapter 15. Zhao Yun: With Cowardice to Match a Thousand Men. Part 2.

Zhao Yun screamed in an unheroic way as his mad horse galloped towards a well. It threw him off and he hit a concrete wall which fell on him.

"I meant to do that," he said, when he managed to get out.

"Zhao Yun..." said a voice, "Save Ah... Dou..."

Zhao Yun turned around and spotted Lady Mi, Liu Bei's second wife. Her legs had been crushed by the falling wall.

"My lady, he said, "Enemies are coming! Get on the horse!"

Lady Mi handed Ah Dou to Yun and said, "Go...my lord..."

Xiahou Dun, Cao Cao's trusted general rounded the corner with a group of men.

"Hmm...," thought Zhao Yun, "I can either help Lady Mi onto the horse, or run away like a coward. I shall choose! On my honour as a warrior I will..."

He jumped onto the horse and screaming in a high-pitched voice galloped away.

He had only gone a few miles when Zhang Liao and Xu Huang, who had been killed by Yan Liang at Baima, charged towards him. (They were zombies)

"Have you seen Zhao Yun?" asked Xu Huang, bits falling off him.

"No," said Zhao Yun.

"What is that you are *BRAINS!* holding?" asked Zhang Liao, pointing at the little bag in which Ah Dou was complaining for his teddy.

"Lord Cao's new born son," said Zhao Yun, in a feminine voice, "I'm his nanny."

"OK," said Xu Huang.

"What about the *BRAINS!* beard?" asked Zhang Liao.

"Uh... New Age Women?" tried Zhao Yun, with a sheepish smile.

"Ah... OK," said Xu Huang. He galloped away with Zhang Liao who was still muttering things about brains.

Zhao Yun charged on. About one mile from his lord's position, he came upon Zhang He, who charged him and knocked him off his horse.

"Time for Plan B!" exclaimed Yun.

He rushed towards Zhang He's horse and began crying, "Please don't kill me!"

Zhang He sniffed. "What's that?" he asked, as a horrible stench filled his nose.

"GAH!," he screamed, "I'M GOING! URGH! CHANGE THAT BABY'S NAPPY!"

He ran away.

Zhao Yun sniffed the baby.

"That wasn't the baby," he said to himself, "That was me."

At last Zhao Yun managed to charge past Zhang Fei on Chang Ban Bridge and escape. Liu Bei was waiting for him with Zhuge Liang and Wei Yan of Yiyang.

"Here you are my lord," said Zhao Yun.

Liu Bei sniffed and threw his son to the ground.

"For the sake of a child like you!" he screamed, "I risked losing my sense of smell!"

Zhao picked up the child and said, "His nappy needs changing."

"Now, we all love Liu Shan," said Zhuge (Liu had gently taken his medication away from him, so Zhuge was starting to return to a state near normality), "so we should all change his nappy, however in the circumstances, I think we should make Wei Yan do it."

"Oh..." said Wei Yan, who Liu had appointed Scapegoat General, "Now I see that a title isn't just a title...

End of Chapter 15. Part 2.
Last edited by Sima Hui on Sat May 15, 2004 9:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.
This topic is an affront to both The Man and The Son of the Man.

-Ts'aoist

Ssuma I sucks.
He was okay when he was an obedient slave of The Man.


-Ts'aoist

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Unread postby Stedfel » Fri Apr 09, 2004 12:45 am

I'm loving every single bit of this. You have taken on of my favorite parts of the book and games, and turned it into one of the funniest things i have ever heard. Keep up the good work.
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Unread postby Zhanghe_of_Wei » Fri Apr 09, 2004 4:13 am

Zhao Yun a coward :o Whee!~ :lol: That was amusing, keep it up!
"Knowledge is not as important as imagination. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world" - Albert Einstein
"In the end, it's not the years in your life that counts. It's the life in your years." -Abraham Lincoln
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Unread postby Sima Hui » Fri Apr 09, 2004 10:02 am

Chapter 16: Zhang Fei of Yan! The Powerful Meditator of Liu Bei.

The army of Cao Cao charged after the cowardly Zhao Yun and faced Zhang Fei on the bridge of Chang Ban.

Twirling his spear, Zhang Fei shouted, "I am Zhang Fei of Yan! Anybody care for some potato juice?"

Cao's army stood transfixed.

"Come on Cao Cao!" screamed Zhang Fei, "Have you got any generals that are brave to engage in discussion with me?"

Cao Cao, on his powerful Fergana goat, said to his men, "When I awarded Guan Yu the legendary rabbit Red Hare, he told me that Zhang Fei was a peaceful warrior who didn't like drinking. We must take care."

"If you don't have what it takes... Then scram, riffraff!" shouted Zhang Fei.

Cao Cao's army screamed so girlishly that Zhao Yun would have been proud, ran away.

Zhang Fei chopped the bridge in half and retreated to Liu Bei's position. Zhao Yun was counting his massive reward (ten dollars) and Zhuge Liang was enjoying his nosepipe. Guan Yu was having an arm-wrestle with his badger and Liu Bei was throwing burning sticks at Wei Yan, who was tied to a tree.

"Ok," said Liu Bei, "Let us retreat!"

Everyone rushed off. Except Wei Yan, who was tied to the tree. A wolf came up to the tree. It was drooling hungrily.

"Uh... nice doggy!" volunteered Wei Yan.

End of Chapter 16.
Last edited by Sima Hui on Mon Aug 02, 2004 8:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
This topic is an affront to both The Man and The Son of the Man.

-Ts'aoist

Ssuma I sucks.
He was okay when he was an obedient slave of The Man.


-Ts'aoist

Join the Cult and receive the True and Holy Word of The Man.
Sima Hui
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Posts: 1661
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Unread postby Lord Ma-koto Chaoying » Fri Apr 09, 2004 5:07 pm

:lol: :lol: x 100 !

Excellent, Sima Hui. :D (haven't you taken your last username ? :wink: )

Always so funny... and well written !

Keep up the good work ! :D


Lord Ma-koto
"Listening to the Way of Union
Binding oneself to oneself and to Universe by Ki,
The streak of one's fibre and the ray of one's soul
Become the pure and divine mirror of each being
In a path without fear nor violence."
Lord Ma-koto Chaoying
Aikidoka Apprentice
 
Posts: 639
Joined: Tue Jun 10, 2003 4:06 pm
Location: Searching Harmony of Universe through fight, secret of living things and beings...

Unread postby Sima Hui » Sun Jun 13, 2004 2:13 pm

Chapter 17. At Jiangxia: Home of the Retirement Castle For The Desperately Short of Land, Power and Cash. Room 13: Liu Bei.

Liu Bei and his men, including Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, Zhao Yun, Zhuge Liang and Wei Yan (badly mauled) entered Liu Qi's Jiangxia to rest.

"Well," said Liu Bei, "we made it."

"Whoops!" shouted Zhuge Liang happily to a house, "Confligurations and mittpence and I'm Mister Jelly!"

"Try to keep up Director General," sighed Liu Bei, feebly muttering something about giving his medicine back.

"We should ask Sun Quan for help in defeating Cao Cao," suggested Guan Yu.

"Sun Quan!?" said Bei in disbelief, "That insane, murderous, trigger-happy maniac with a diploma in dental work!?"

"That's him," replied Zhang Fei.

"That's a great idea!" exclaimed Bei, "Who should we send as an envoy?"

"Not Zhuge Liang," said Zhao Yun. Liang was currently pretending to be a candle.

"HOW ARE YOU?" shouted Zhao Yun.

"Why yes Jenkins! I'm cinnamon alleged!" shouted Zhuge.

"WELL DONE SIR!" shouted Zhao Yun.

"How about Wei Yan?" suggested Zhang Fei.

Wei Yan was going through some bins for scraps.

"Wei Yan!" shouted Liu Bei, "You get Sun Quan to fight with us and I'll give you all the toenail clippings you can eat!"

"I shall do it!" swore Wei Yan.

End of Chapter 17.
This topic is an affront to both The Man and The Son of the Man.

-Ts'aoist

Ssuma I sucks.
He was okay when he was an obedient slave of The Man.


-Ts'aoist

Join the Cult and receive the True and Holy Word of The Man.
Sima Hui
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Unread postby Sima Hui » Tue Jul 06, 2004 7:59 pm

Chapter 18. Dr Cao and Mini-Pi.

At Jiangling, Cao Cao's great army was stationed, awaiting the arrival of Cao Cao's son Cao Pi.

After an hour of I-Spy and ping-pong marathons, Xun Yu came in.

"My lord," he said, "Cao Pi was involved in a nasty accident when a flying pig fell on him. After major reconstruction by Hua Tuo of his face and body, we have brought him here. However, he looks like an exact copy of you, only one-eighth of his original size."

Cao Pi entered. He was tiny and bit Xun Yu on the knee for good measure.

"Awwww," said Cao Cao, "I'll call him Mini-Pi."

Mini-Pi assumed his place next to Cao Cao while Cao Zhi snorted in disbelief.

"Get the runt out of here!" he exclaimed.

Mini-Pi attacked Cao Zhi by clamping his jaws around Zhi's head.

"Mini-Pi," sighed Cao Cao, "he is your brother. Don't damage his brain too seriously."

While Zhi screamed and thrashed, Xun Yu leaned down and said, "Sir, when did you assume this air of permanent boredom and nonchalance?"

"The very day I met you Wenruo," replied Cao Cao.

End of Chapter 18.
This topic is an affront to both The Man and The Son of the Man.

-Ts'aoist

Ssuma I sucks.
He was okay when he was an obedient slave of The Man.


-Ts'aoist

Join the Cult and receive the True and Holy Word of The Man.
Sima Hui
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Posts: 1661
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 7:21 pm
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