Three Kingdoms Parody.

Fan art, illustrations, poetry, music, photography, and more.

Vote for your fave character!

Liu Bei - "The money is mine you dumb ********!"
7
16%
Zhuge Liang - "Call again in six days baker and we'll luncheon again!"
3
7%
Cao Cao - "I'd rather be eviler than the world, than the world be evil to me! Wait, that's not right..."
7
16%
Guan Yu - "Aaargh! I stabbed myself!"
1
2%
Zhang Fei - "Potato juice anyone?"
0
No votes
Zhao Yun - "Run! Run quickly!"
2
5%
Huang Zhong - "Reminds me of 175 AD. Back then we didn't have air. We called it breath stuff!"
8
19%
Wei Yan - "So HUNGRY!"
3
7%
Pang Tong - "Ooh. You smell something?"
1
2%
Sun Quan - "Open wide and don't you dare scream!"
2
5%
Gan Ning - "Arr! We be plundering the seven seas!"
3
7%
Liao Hua - "Stop killing me!"
5
12%
Other
1
2%
 
Total votes : 43

Unread postby Sima Hui » Thu Jan 01, 2004 7:25 pm

Chapter 10. A Fair, Decent, Miser of A Ruler.

Liu Bei had taken Xuzhou and was a fair ruler as long as you gave him plenty of cash. He had gained some advisors and the cowardly Zhao Yun as a general.

One day Jian Yong, an advisor, came to Liu Bei and said, "Perhaps we should join Cao Cao, because the Yellow Sock rebels are still ravaging the country."

Liu Bei said, "Will Cao Cao give me money if I join him?"

"I dunno."

"What! Gimme a dollar."

"I don't have a dollar."

"Oh... right. Where were we?"

"Cao Cao will give you cash if you join him."

"Hot damn!"

Later Liu Bei convened with his vast army. All five members. Liu Bei started to question them.

"Name?" he asked Guan Yu.

"Uh... brother, we've been together for fifteen years," replied Guan Yu.

"Look! Just tell me your name!"

"You know it!"

Wham!

"G-G-Guan Yu!"

"Any objections to joining Cao Cao?"

"None!"

Liu Bei next asked Zhang Fei, "Name?"

"Zhang Fei, dear brother."

"Any objections?"

"As long as they have meditation centres, I'm happy."

"Name?"

"Zhao Yun."

"Any objections?"

"A-A-As long as we do not have to face a 200 000 strong army by ourselves, then no."

"Name?"

"Guan Ping, sir!"

Guan Ping was the adopted son of Guan Yu and was so dedicated to his duty that he'd eat a bar of soap if ordered. Therefore he was a great source of entertainment.

"Any objections?"

"No, sir! I could never go against your wishes, master, lord, uncle..."

"OK, OK, I GET THE POINT! Anyway, name?"

"Liu Feng."

Liu Feng was the adopted son of Liu Bei. He was one of those "what's in it for me?" types.

"Any objections?"

"Well that depends on how much cash we're given."

"Good lad! I knew I'd made a good choice of a son! Anyway that settles that! Off to Cao Cao we crawl!"

The five, together with Mi Zhu, Sun Qian, Jian Yong and Mi Fang, went running out of the gates and towards Xuchang.

End of Chapter 10. Next chapter is about Cao Cao.
Last edited by Sima Hui on Thu Aug 26, 2004 6:55 pm, edited 2 times in total.
This topic is an affront to both The Man and The Son of the Man.

-Ts'aoist

Ssuma I sucks.
He was okay when he was an obedient slave of The Man.


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Unread postby Sima Hui » Fri Jan 02, 2004 2:22 am

Chapter 11. Battles of Baima and Yanjun. Sponsored by Cao Mengde and Yuan Benchu.

Liu Bei and his friends surrendered to Cao Cao. Cao's territories now spanned from Crumpet City to Xuzhou. It was now time to face Yuan Shao, known as the Madman of Hebei.

Yuan Shao's Forces.

Leader: Yuan Shao.

Advisors: Ju Shou, Shen Pei, Tian Feng.

Generals: Yan Liang, Wen Chou, Zhang He, Gao Lan, Chunyu Qiong,.

Troops: One million.


Cao Cao's Forces.

Leader: Cao Cao.

Advisors: Xun Yu, Guo Jia, Cheng Yu.

Generals: Zhang Liao, Xiahou Dun, Xiahou Yuan, Xu Huang, Cao Ren, Cao Hong, Liu Bei, Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, Zhao Yun.

Troops: Seventy thousand.

Tickets were sold like hot cakes. This was the biggest, baddest battle of the year. And all their favourite stars would be there!

***

Cao Cao led his troops to Baima. Yan Liang met him. Xu Huang raced out to duel. He was killed on the first bout.

"Did this happen?" asked Cao Cao, looking through the Three Kingdoms script.

Zhang Liao rushed out and his head was severed after five bouts.

"This was not in the script!" exclaimed Cao Cao.

Guan Yu raced out. Yan Liang was eating a pork pie.

"Die, foul scum of Hebei!" shouted Guan Yu. His spear slashed his arm.

"Ow!" he screamed, "I hurt myself with my own spear!"

Yan Liang started choking with laughter. He choked on his pie and fell dead from his horse.

***

With Baima taken, Cao Cao rushed on to Yanjun. Wen Chou was killed in a similar way by Guan Yu and the resident badger of Guan's beard.

End of Chapter 11.
This topic is an affront to both The Man and The Son of the Man.

-Ts'aoist

Ssuma I sucks.
He was okay when he was an obedient slave of The Man.


-Ts'aoist

Join the Cult and receive the True and Holy Word of The Man.
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Unread postby Sima Hui » Fri Jan 02, 2004 2:52 pm

Chapter 12. Liu Bei and Jing.

After Guan Yu's unbelievable victories over Yan Liang and Wen Chou, Cao Cao rewarded Guan Yu with five hundred dollars. The pleased Liu Bei recieved his brother at Xuchang.

"Five hundred dollars!?" screamed Liu Bei, "The greedy *******!"

He was still proudly noting the ability to speak in stars when Zhao Yun said, "How much would you have given him, lord?"

"Twelve thousand dollars," replied Liu Bei.

"No you wouldn't," said Zhang Fei, "Knowing you, you would have given him five dollars!"

After general agreement Liu Bei said, "There is nothing for us here. Besides, he desecrates the sacred bread altars. We must oppose him forever! To freedom!"

He charged out the gate followed by his five generals.

"We really have to get horses," muttered Guan Yu.

***

In Jing, Liu Bei met with his brother Liu Biao. Liu Biao gave him a post at Xinye.

So, for eight years, peace was at hand. Cao Cao defeated Yuan Shao at Guandu and took the north. Cao's son Cao Pi got the very alluring Zhen Ji as his reward. Cao Cao got more power and rank. His men were rewarded.

And Yuan Shao? He got a job in the palace library, he was to assemble every book in alphabetical order. If he did this, Cao Cao would give him his kingdom back. There were two hundred thousand books.

Soon Cao Cao turned his eyes to the south.

End of chapter 12.
Last edited by Sima Hui on Sat Mar 13, 2004 10:27 am, edited 1 time in total.
This topic is an affront to both The Man and The Son of the Man.

-Ts'aoist

Ssuma I sucks.
He was okay when he was an obedient slave of The Man.


-Ts'aoist

Join the Cult and receive the True and Holy Word of The Man.
Sima Hui
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Unread postby Sima Hui » Sat Jan 03, 2004 8:00 pm

Chapter 13. He's My Lord And I'll Assassinate Him When I Want To!

Sun Ce had gathered lots of fighting men to him and now he decided to attack Cao Cao. This was met with approval from Zhou Yu.

"That's a stupid idea!" he screamed.

Sun Ce was so angry that he decided to take a walk. Unfortunately, he had made lots of enemies, which he was unaware of.

So when four men started throwing daggers at him,he got mad.

In a blur he had done six root canals and fourteen fillings. The assassins were dead and only then did he note that a dagger was sticking in his eye.

"Oh damn," he said and fainted.

Luckily Cheng Pu had found him and took him back to camp.

Hua Tuo, the local doctor, saved him and demanded fourteen thousand dollars for it, which Sun Ce grudgingly gave him.

***

Sun Ce got up one morning and went to his bathroom mirror. He had been hallucinating recently and was not surprised to see someone standing behind him.

"Sun Ce," began a voice, heavily.

It was Zhou Yu.

"Arrgh!" said Sun Ce, collapsing as his wound burst.

"..." said Zhou Yu, "I could call for help or nick his boots.

He decided. Later on, he had a pair of very nice boots.

Sun Ce died not long after and his brother Sun Quan took over. Sun Quan was more of a dentist than his brother and he attracted many psychopaths.

It was then that he heard that Cao Cao was coming south.

End of chapter 13.
Last edited by Sima Hui on Sun Mar 14, 2004 10:38 am, edited 1 time in total.
This topic is an affront to both The Man and The Son of the Man.

-Ts'aoist

Ssuma I sucks.
He was okay when he was an obedient slave of The Man.


-Ts'aoist

Join the Cult and receive the True and Holy Word of The Man.
Sima Hui
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Unread postby Sima Hui » Sat Mar 13, 2004 10:40 am

Sorry I haven't responded for some time. But the show must go on! :lol:

Chapter 14. Why All the Fighting?

Liu Bei had accquired the services of one Zhuge Liang, a mad genius from Insane Dragon Ridge. Twice he had beaten back Cao Cao with ingenious fire attacks involving little glass beakers and several pints of alcohol.

On the day that Cao Cao led his army of 600 000 forth, Liu Bei was trying to work out a plan.

"Lord Strategist!" screamed Bei, "Think of a plan!"

Zhuge picked up a red crayon and wrote on the picture of Liu's son, Shan:

We must strategically withdraw from Xinye and seek refuge in Wu.

After some thought he added:

East Wu is pouring with money.

"Well that's settled!" exclaimed Liu Bei after reading the addition, "To East Wu we go!"

***

Everyone was packing when Zhao Yun came up to Liu Bei and said, "I don't know lord. I've heard that the generals in Wu are cowards!"

"Actually," replied Bei, "most generals are brave!"

"Don't lie!" screamed Zhao Yun, "I'm a coward and a good general! That's not funny!"

The small army of 10 000 ran away from Xin Ye screaming like little girls. Naturally, Zhao Yun was ahead of Liu Bei. The army were following the biggest coward.

End of Chapter 14.
Last edited by Sima Hui on Sun Mar 14, 2004 6:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
This topic is an affront to both The Man and The Son of the Man.

-Ts'aoist

Ssuma I sucks.
He was okay when he was an obedient slave of The Man.


-Ts'aoist

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Unread postby Lord Ma-koto Chaoying » Sat Mar 13, 2004 6:16 pm

:D Good fanfiction ! :D

An excellent parody... :D
I am not too keen on parodies, for parodies are ironic, so bound to be cruel...
But I must be like that... :wink:
Your fanfiction is funny and well written. :D

"Actually," replied Bei, "most generals are brave!"

"Don't lie!" screamed Zhao Yun, "I'm a coward and a good general! That's not funny!"


Oh... :lol: :lol: some things are better left unsaid... :lol: don't mind me, I am just kidding.

Keep up the good work ! :D


Lord Ma-koto
"Listening to the Way of Union
Binding oneself to oneself and to Universe by Ki,
The streak of one's fibre and the ray of one's soul
Become the pure and divine mirror of each being
In a path without fear nor violence."
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Unread postby Sima Hui » Sun Mar 14, 2004 10:22 am

Lord Ma-koto Chaoying wrote::D Good fanfiction ! :D

An excellent parody... :D
I am not too keen on parodies, for parodies are ironic, so bound to be cruel...
But I must be like that... :wink:
Your fanfiction is funny and well written. :D

Lord Ma-koto


Thanks Lord Ma! :D By the way, this is not meant to offend anyone, it's just a light mock of the Three Kingdoms. Thanks for all your support. :D
This topic is an affront to both The Man and The Son of the Man.

-Ts'aoist

Ssuma I sucks.
He was okay when he was an obedient slave of The Man.


-Ts'aoist

Join the Cult and receive the True and Holy Word of The Man.
Sima Hui
Cult of Ts'aoist
 
Posts: 1661
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 7:21 pm
Location: Serving the Most Sacred Disciple of the Man

Unread postby Stedfel » Fri Mar 19, 2004 4:25 am

I think it is quite funny. Good work.
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Unread postby K'ung-Ming » Sat Mar 20, 2004 6:18 pm

Guan Ping was the adopted son of Guan Yu and was so dedicated to his duty that he'd eat a bar of soap if ordered. Therefore he was a great source of entertainment.


:lol: That was great!
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Unread postby Sima Hui » Wed Apr 07, 2004 10:44 am

Chapter 15. Zhao Yun: With Cowardice to Match a Thousand Men. Part 1.

At Chang Ban, Cao Cao's massive army caught up with Liu Bei's forces. In the confusion to get away, Bei's son was left behind.

"Now then," said Bei, "I will give a massive reward for whoever returns my son!"

"Sir!" shouted Guan Ping, "I volunteer!"

"Mmmm," replied Liu Bei, "But who will we have for entertainment?"

"Entertainment, sir?"

"Ping, go bite off that rabid dog's head."

"Yes, sir!"

"Lick it to the wall and staple it to Southern Tibet, yes?" volunteered Zhuge Liang.

"No," said Liu Bei, "I need my main strategist with me."

He spotted a fleeing figure who tripped up and landed at Bei's feet.

"Ah!" cried Bei, "Zhao Yun! How good of you to volunteer!"

"Me, sir?" asked Yun, with a tremble, "No sir, I was merely... u-uh..."

"Tally ho, fine general!" shouted Bei, dragging the protesting man to his horse and seating him on it. He slapped the horse's rump and it ran towards the enemy lines.

Zhao Yun picked up his spear and screamed a war cry. It sounded like a little girl being told it could not have a sweetie.

He accidentally sliced off the head of Cao Cao's grovelling servant Xiahou En and nicked Cao Cao's famed dessert spoon Blue Nosher.
This topic is an affront to both The Man and The Son of the Man.

-Ts'aoist

Ssuma I sucks.
He was okay when he was an obedient slave of The Man.


-Ts'aoist

Join the Cult and receive the True and Holy Word of The Man.
Sima Hui
Cult of Ts'aoist
 
Posts: 1661
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 7:21 pm
Location: Serving the Most Sacred Disciple of the Man

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