Three Kingdoms Parody.

Fan art, illustrations, poetry, music, photography, and more.

Vote for your fave character!

Liu Bei - "The money is mine you dumb ********!"
7
16%
Zhuge Liang - "Call again in six days baker and we'll luncheon again!"
3
7%
Cao Cao - "I'd rather be eviler than the world, than the world be evil to me! Wait, that's not right..."
7
16%
Guan Yu - "Aaargh! I stabbed myself!"
1
2%
Zhang Fei - "Potato juice anyone?"
0
No votes
Zhao Yun - "Run! Run quickly!"
2
5%
Huang Zhong - "Reminds me of 175 AD. Back then we didn't have air. We called it breath stuff!"
8
19%
Wei Yan - "So HUNGRY!"
3
7%
Pang Tong - "Ooh. You smell something?"
1
2%
Sun Quan - "Open wide and don't you dare scream!"
2
5%
Gan Ning - "Arr! We be plundering the seven seas!"
3
7%
Liao Hua - "Stop killing me!"
5
12%
Other
1
2%
 
Total votes : 43

Unread postby Sima Hui » Sat Dec 27, 2003 4:52 pm

Um... On holiday at the moment so I'll be brief.

Yes, it's short. I'm gonna edit it when I get back. Thanks for all your praise! :oops:
This topic is an affront to both The Man and The Son of the Man.

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He was okay when he was an obedient slave of The Man.


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Unread postby Sima Hui » Sun Dec 28, 2003 9:16 pm

Here it is folks! Chapter 4. Pop Band Wars 2- Dentists and Generals!

Sun Jian, styled Homicide, came from Changsha. At the age of 17 he performed sadistic attacks on a bunch of pirates. For this he was awarded the title of Grand Dentist of Changsha. One day after leaving his surgery for the night, he saw a poster on a wall. It read:


CAO CAO CALLS YOU TO ARMS!
SEE THE WORLD AND KICK BUTT IN THE CAMPAIGN AGAINST DONG ZHUO! REWARDS WILL INCLUDE CASH, WOMEN AND BOOZE. RAISE AN ARMY AND JOIN CAO CAO IN XUCHANG TODAY!


Cao Cao had escaped after attempting to place a bomb in Dong Zhuo's drum kit. He had begun raising an army to combat the forces of the pop band of terror. With him were his 4 surviving relatives (most of his family had been killed in a hearty brawl at a family reunion) who were great fighters.

Sun Jian raised an army and took his apprentice dentists with him. They were Cheng Pu, Han Dang and Huang Gai.

Yuan Shao also came with his rogue army and of course trampling any villages in his way.

So did Gongsun Zan and Liu Bei. Liu Bei was attracted by the possibility of money.

Soon after much gorging and slashing the army set out. They chose as their leader the childish Yuan Shao, which just went to show how drunk and stupid the leaders were.

"Do you think that we should have chosen Shao as our leader," asked Cao Cao, in a drunken tone.

"What'sh wrong with him?" asked Liu Bei, "Shurely, you shouldn't think that you were going to be leader mashter Cao Cao?"

Defending Fan Shui Gate was one of the Xiliang Three Hua Xiong. He led the small pop band at Fan Shui under the direction of Dong Zhuo. At all gates and cities were mini pop bands. The money from the sales all went to him.

Anyway, Hua Xiong's band and army was backed up by Hu Zhen and Zhao Cen. They played the guitars and were commanders under him.

Seated in the command tent Yuan Shao asked, "Who shall go out against Hua Xiong?"

Sun Jian stepped up. "With my army and painful dentistry, I shall take Hua Xiong's head!"he exclaimed.

Yuan Shao let him out and Hua Xiong's and Sun Jian's armies went into their positions.

Hu Zhen began playing the guitar and singing a rude song about dentists. Enraged, Sun Jian sent Cheng Pu forth. After a brief horror show of skilled dentistry/sadism, Hu Zhen was killed by an attempted root canal.

Hua Xiong retreated into the gate and waited.

End of Chapter 4.
Last edited by Sima Hui on Sun Dec 28, 2003 10:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
This topic is an affront to both The Man and The Son of the Man.

-Ts'aoist

Ssuma I sucks.
He was okay when he was an obedient slave of The Man.


-Ts'aoist

Join the Cult and receive the True and Holy Word of The Man.
Sima Hui
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Posts: 1661
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 7:21 pm
Location: Serving the Most Sacred Disciple of the Man

Unread postby Li Ruiyue » Sun Dec 28, 2003 9:32 pm

We seem to have yet another talented writer on SoSZ here...
Great and hillarious work there, Sima Hui...can't wait to see the rest!
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Unread postby Sima Hui » Tue Dec 30, 2003 2:45 pm

Oh by the way, some characters will not feature as much as some of them really did. Some will not appear at all and some events will not occur in this parody. This is simply to save me time. Sorry if a favourite battle is left out! :( Some events will be not accurate either. Sorry.

Chapter 5. Pop Band Wars 3 - Three Incompentents Battle A Bore.

Hua Xiong had been defeated and so was holed up in the Fan Shui gate by Sun Jian. One day Hua looked over Sun Jian's army and shouted, "My granny could fight better than that!"

Enraged Sun Jian picked up a sharp pair of tweezers and hurled them at Hua Xiong's throat. They hit directly.

With Hua Xiong dead, the confederation immediately occupied the gate.

***

When informed of the death of Hua Xiong, Dong Zhuo cried out, "Now who will play the drums in my band?"

"Father," said Lu Bu, "Let me go and bore the enemy to death with my stories about lint."

Dong Zhuo agreed and sent Lu Bu with 500 men on goatback.

***

Yuan Shao celebrated the victory by drinking. By the end, a few fights had broken out around the camp.

"We have defeated Hua Shion, Xionsh," Yuan Shao struggled with the words, "that guy who wash opposhing us."

"Yet more will come," sighed Cao Cao.

Just then it was reported that Lu Bu had stationed at Hu Lao Gate.

"Let ush go and kill them good!" shouted Liu Bei to the roar of drunken approval.

"Nothing can stop ush," whispered Liu Bei.

***

"This can stop us," said Liu Bei as they saw Hu Lao.

It was a gate built 50 feet high with spikes and it was built into the mountains.

Yuan Shao was convening with the now sobered up generals when it was reported that Lu Bu had come out for a fight.

"We will go," said Liu Bei, "Come on Guan Yu and Zhang Fei."

Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei battled Lu Bu, but could not withstand his bore power. Lu Bu could not withstand their prowess. He ran off back into the gate.

On the slope was Dong Zhuo, playing a song with Li Ru. He saw the three brothers charge up the slope. Guan Yu stabbed Li Ru and shouted, "This is for truth!"

Zhang Fei sliced through the guitars and said, "This is for honour."

Liu Bei slew Dong Zhuo and shouted, "And this is for a hell of a lot of cash!"

And then Dong's corpse exploded in a lot of flame and meat pies.

***

After the party,it was reported that Cao Cao had taken Emperor Cress' other son to Xuchang to become the new Emperor.

After taking a look at Emperor Ham, they decided that Cao Cao was right and killed him.

And so Cao Cao gained control over the Sarn Dynasty.

End of Chapter 5.
Last edited by Sima Hui on Tue Nov 09, 2004 9:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
This topic is an affront to both The Man and The Son of the Man.

-Ts'aoist

Ssuma I sucks.
He was okay when he was an obedient slave of The Man.


-Ts'aoist

Join the Cult and receive the True and Holy Word of The Man.
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Unread postby CaTigeReptile » Wed Dec 31, 2003 7:06 am

Excellent - hungry - Well done - starving - Very entertaining - food - I love good humor - musteat - "styled homicide" reminds me of Jazz from Transformers for some reason - FOOD - please continue!

Man, now I'm hungry!
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Unread postby Sima Hui » Wed Dec 31, 2003 10:05 pm

Chapter 6. The Good, The Bad and The Damn Stupid.

The members of the confederation slunk home to their lands (in some cases dungheaps) and began building their own power. They were:

Yuan Shao: incompetent fool who played tiddlywinks.
Ma Teng: Silly old toothless moron.
Liu Biao: Fat, stupid fellow of which the words "irregular bowel movements" best describes him.
Liu Zhang: Head of all Chinese plumbers.
Sun Ce: Sun Jian was killed during a root canal in which the patient didn't take kindly to having extra teeth removed. Sun Ce was his son.
Liu Bei: Stole Xu and some cash and began a life of luxury.
Gongsun Zan: The less said about him the better.
Cao Cao: Prime Minister of Sarn and favourite candidate for total domination.

End of Chapter 6. This chapter was just telling you who will slug it out in the next chapters, beginning with Yuan Shao.
This topic is an affront to both The Man and The Son of the Man.

-Ts'aoist

Ssuma I sucks.
He was okay when he was an obedient slave of The Man.


-Ts'aoist

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Sima Hui
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Unread postby Sima Hui » Wed Dec 31, 2003 10:58 pm

Chapter 7. Yuan Shao, Master of He Bei (He's blowing bubbles in his milk!)

Yuan Shao, after vaguely leading the Alliance against Dong Zhuo, had returned to He Bei and decided to lead a force against Gongsun Zan of Bo Hai. Two months later he was sitting at the head of a one hundred thousand strong army along with Tian Feng, Ju Shou, Yan Liang and Wen Chou.

Gongsun Zan shouted to Yuan, "You are an insane wimp with the looks and charm of a soiled nappy!"

Snarling, Yuan Shao turned and bellowed, "Who will show those pretzels how to be interesting?"

Wen Chou raced out and started charging towards Gongsun Zan. He had almost reached him when a handsome young fellow defended Zan and was fighting Wen Chou.

Chou was driven off and Zan asked his rescuer his name.

"I am Zhao Yun of Changshan," replied the warrior, "I joined Yuan Shao but he did not follow the way of the sandwich so I joined you instead."

Zan saw Yuan Shao's general Yan Liang racing towards him.

"Die!" shouted Yan.

"Hah!" replied Zan, "With my general Zhao Yun and my army, you will be defeated!"

He turned and saw Zhao Yun and his army running away like cowards.

Zan looked back and said, "Um... let me get my army back."
***

Yan Liang took Gongsun Zan's head back to camp. Yuan Shao expressed his pleasure by saying, "The wind grows well here, thank you for planting my jelly."

Soon Yuan Shao had become the most powerful idiot in the north.

But the south had a conqueror too. A sadistic dentist and doctor from Changsha...

End of Chapter 7.
This topic is an affront to both The Man and The Son of the Man.

-Ts'aoist

Ssuma I sucks.
He was okay when he was an obedient slave of The Man.


-Ts'aoist

Join the Cult and receive the True and Holy Word of The Man.
Sima Hui
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Unread postby Sima Hui » Thu Jan 01, 2004 4:05 pm

This is for Sun Ce fans. He's just a little more homicidal... :roll:

Chapter 8. The Sadistic Conqueror.

Sun Ce, after inheriting his father's task, decided to occupy the Jiang Dong region. One problem; three dentist hating rulers were there. They were Liu Yong, Yan Baihu and Wang Lang.

Sun Ce charged in and had soon defeated Yan Baihu and Wang Lang. Yet Liu Yong still remained unbeaten.

Sun Ce was moping in his tent with a pair of pliers when his friend Zhou Yu came in.

Zhou Yu, styled Arrrghhgetoffmeyousonofa, came from Shou Chun. He and Sun Ce were both born within a month of each other. The two children used to attack the other kids with pliers as their proud fathers watched.

Zhou Yu had come to join Sun Ce and advise him on how to defeat Liu Yong.

"Liu Yong is nothing to worry about," said Zhou Yu, "but he has a general called Taishi Ci. Taishi Ci, styled Masochist, comes from Dong Lai. As a child he ordered kids to attack him with pins. He loves pain. If you beat the crap out of him, he may join you and help you. Taishi Ci is a great fighter after all."

Sun Ce considered this and then said, "Zhou Yu, you are brilliant!'

"No need to tell me that," smirked the modest Zhou, "I already know."

Sun Ce rode into battle and hit Taishi Ci with a frying pan.

"Oh please, hit me again," moaned Ci.

Sun Ce was enraged. He enjoyed people suffering and tried to crush him with a sledgehammer. It only dented his armour.

"Ahhh," said Taishi Ci, "I LOVE pain!"

In the end, Sun Ce dragged Ci back to his camp and tried to strangle him in front of his generals.

"STOP!" shouted Ci, "I will join you, my sadistic lord."

With Ci's surrender, Liu Yong fled and Sun Ce occupied his land.

Sun Ce made Jian Ye his capital and became known as the Sadistic Conqueror.

End of Chapter 8. Next chapter will be about Liu Biao.
This topic is an affront to both The Man and The Son of the Man.

-Ts'aoist

Ssuma I sucks.
He was okay when he was an obedient slave of The Man.


-Ts'aoist

Join the Cult and receive the True and Holy Word of The Man.
Sima Hui
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Unread postby Sima Hui » Thu Jan 01, 2004 5:36 pm

I may change the very end of this parody if people want me to. Should I have Liu Bei, Cao Cao, Sun Quan or Sima Yan win? Please PM me with your opinions.

Edit: Nah, just have the winners win!
Last edited by Sima Hui on Tue Nov 30, 2004 10:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
This topic is an affront to both The Man and The Son of the Man.

-Ts'aoist

Ssuma I sucks.
He was okay when he was an obedient slave of The Man.


-Ts'aoist

Join the Cult and receive the True and Holy Word of The Man.
Sima Hui
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Posts: 1661
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 7:21 pm
Location: Serving the Most Sacred Disciple of the Man

Unread postby Sima Hui » Thu Jan 01, 2004 6:36 pm

Chapter 9. In Jing Province...

Liu Biao, governor of Jing, was a stupid man, occasionally suffering from either constipation or diarrhoea. He was assisted by Kuai Liang, Cai Mao and Huang Zu, as well as Zhang Yun and Biao's son Liu Qi.

One day in 194 A.D Liu Biao was in Xiangyang. He was worried about Sun Ce's growing power...

Liu Biao walked into his seat of office. (which hurt his leg) Cai Mao and Liu Qi were there.

"Oh hello Cai Mao," said Biao vaguely, "What are you reading to my son?"

"Your diary," replied Cai Mao cheerfully.

Biao's eyes widened. "What?!" he shouted.

"I never knew you fancied my sister," said Cai Mao, "It reads, ""Lady Cai, you are more beautiful than all the gems in the world."""

"Shut up," said Liu Biao,quickly, "That next sentence is not suitable for my young son!"

Cai Mao went on anyway. """I hope that I can get you into a corner and..."

Mercifully he was interrupted by a messenger who said, "My lord. Huang Zu is under attack by Sun Ce. Send reinforcements at once! My lord?"

Liu Biao was not there. He had rushed off to the toilet.

"I'll go," sighed Cai Mao, "By the time I get back, he'll have forgotten all about it."

He left for Jiangxia.

Thus had Jing been ruled for several years.

End of Chapter 9. Next chapter is about Liu Bei.
Last edited by Sima Hui on Tue Nov 30, 2004 11:00 pm, edited 3 times in total.
This topic is an affront to both The Man and The Son of the Man.

-Ts'aoist

Ssuma I sucks.
He was okay when he was an obedient slave of The Man.


-Ts'aoist

Join the Cult and receive the True and Holy Word of The Man.
Sima Hui
Cult of Ts'aoist
 
Posts: 1661
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 7:21 pm
Location: Serving the Most Sacred Disciple of the Man

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