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Unread postby PangDeGuy » Thu Jul 24, 2003 1:59 pm

This one's the start of the Threekingdoms Gang
It's not really funny, but hey. ;)
Chapter 1 Threekingdoms Acting
Part 1- Battle of Chi Bi
Huang Gai: Ooo!! I'm so excited! We're gonna have a battle! We're gonna have a battle! *Squealing like a little girl and prancing around*

Sun Quan: That's right sonny. And we're going to make you the dude that starts the fire.

Huang Gai: But it'll ruin my hair, and my clothes. I'm too beautiful for fire! *Fluffs greasy hair*

Zhou Yu: You know, I'm supposed to beat the hell out of you and it looks like you want to defect.

Huang Gai: I don't want to defect! Not only am I too beautiful, but I think I'm in loove... *Stares at Meng Huo longingly, who stares back*

Zhou Yu: *Turns and spots Mengy, then shrieks* EEK! HOW DID THE FATTY GET IN HERE?!

Huang Gai: Oh, we're just having a little flirt. *Sighs and makes kissing signals in the air towards Mengy*

Sun Quan: Enough! Enough! Here's the plan Huang Gai. Zhou Yu beats, you defect, you burn, you come back. Deal?

Huang Gai: But I told you! I'm too damn pretty. *Fluffs hair again*

Sun Quan: *Sigh* Then who'll burn the ship?

Lu Xun: Burn.... Burnn... Must... BURN!

Sun Quan: Psst! Lu Xun! Wrong studio!

Lu Xun: W-wa?

Sun Quan: The filming of "Chicago" is next door!

Lu Xun: Er.. Oh. Thanks. *rushes away*

Sun Quan: *Ahem* Anyways, what will we do?

Zhou Yu: How about using Dong Zhuo's fat? Just throw it over covered in oil, and throw some matches on it!

Sun Quan: Ooo... I like! Huang Gai! Come over here!

Huang Gai: *Flirting with Meng Huo* You're eyes are like, like, the hot dog i saw yesterday...

Mengy: You're nose is like that hamburger from Applebee's. I looks so yummy....

Director: *Sigh* You know, Huang's supposed to be the burning guy and stuff. Follow the damned script!

Huang Gai: B-b-b-but... I'm too sccaaaaaared!!! WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! *Runs away crying and trips over a twig*

Director: THAT'S IT! YOU BUNCHA SISSIES! CUT!! *Picks up shotgun and chases after Mengy, Zhou Yu, Sun Quan, and Huang Gai*

Mengy: Ooo crap. *Waddles as fast as he can but he's so fat that he trips and breaks the floor*

Huang Gai: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!! *Runs away as fast as he can but is shot in the back*

Zhou Yu: Grr... This is all Zhuge's fault! *Gets thumped over the head and is knocked out cold*

Sun Quan: YIPES! *Prances away and dodges all of the bullets miraculously* Who will save me?!

Zhou Tai: I AM HERE! *Rushes over along with heroic music, but is stopped short when he sees the shotgun* YEEEEEEEEEEK!!!! *Faints*

Zhang He: I, the beautiful one, am here!

Huang Gai: *Still alive* You know I'm more beautiful.

Zhang He: Am not!

Huang Gai: Am too!

Zhang He: Am not!

Huang Gai: Am too!

Zhang He: THAT'S IT! *Rushes over and beats Huang Gai to death with a daisy* Ha! Now, I will beautifully rescue Sun Quan! *Dances over, picks up Sun Quan gracefully, and dances away*

Director: COME BACK HERE YOU SON OF A--

Zhang He: Ha ha! You can't catch m- *Trips and Sun Quan drowns in the water*

Director: *Evil face* Gotcha!

Zhang He: *Screams like a girl*

Director: Hee hee hee....
(This next part might be a little crude, but in fact, as the director tries to find it, he cannot find it, proving Zhang He is a girl/boy)
(Sorry if that was a little sick, but hey :D)

Part 2 Battle of Chang Ban
Liu Bei: FLEE ALL YE LITTLE CHILDREN OF THE SHU DUDES! *Slaps his horse, who bucks him off and tramples over him* Oowww....

Zhao Yun: *Slaps liu Bei* Now what did I tell you about riding horses?!

Liu Bei: Seeds are good, throw a fit, and on it we take a sh-

Zhao Yun: No no! That's potty training!

Liu Bei: Oh yeah. Don't slap the horsey.

Zhao Yun: That's better.

Liu Bei: But it feels good to slap the horsey.

Zhao Yun: ???

To be continued...
"Scum of a matweaver!"-Yuan Shu
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Unread postby Wizardman » Fri Jul 25, 2003 1:45 am

Here's a fanfic.

To mods/admins: I'm only posting the link because
1. It's long.
2. I'm 99% sure posting a link to a fanfic is NOT spam.

anyway, here it is:
http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1437817
Huang Zhong: Are you calling me old?!
Wei Yan: ...Yes.
Huang Zhong: Liu Bei! I demand you kill him!
Liu Bei: Well it's... true...
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Unread postby FengXian » Fri Jul 25, 2003 12:01 pm

*Lui Bei is sat on Hex Mark when a messenger arrives, bearing a message*

M: My lord, we have taken Luo Yang.

LB: Where?

M: Luo Yang

LB: Luo Yang?

M: Luo Yang

LB: Where?

M: Luo Yang. Where we've been campaigning for.

LB: Campaigning?

M: Yes.

LB: Luo yang?

M: Yes

LB: Zhuge?

Zhuge Liang: Yes?

LB: Any idea where Luo Yang is?

ZL: Not a clue

LB: Really?

ZL: Really

M: Really?

LB, ZL: Really!

LB: Let's get navigation over here

Navigation: Yes Sir?

LB: Where is Luo Yang

N: Hang on Sir, I'll check.

*Checks maps*

N: According to this, there isn't one

M: But we've just taken it!

N: Not according to this we've not

LB: Are you sure you got the right place?

M: Yes.

LB: Definitely called Luo Yang?

M: Yes.

ZL: Call over the commander

M: You're the commander

ZL: Am I?

M: Yes!

ZL: Really?

M: yes!

LB: So you don't know we've taken it?

ZL: No

M: Yes

LB: let's start again.

ZL: Why?

N: I'm confused

M: Yes, lets

ZL: let's do what?

N: start again?

M: yes

N: From where?

LB: The beginning?

ZL: Good plan

N: What is?

ZL: starting again

LB: Good, we will then.

*silence descends for about a minute*

M: Lord, we've taken Luo Yang

LB: who are you?

M: the messenger

LB: for who?

M: You.

LB: Really?

ZL: He must be.

M: WE'VE TAKEN LUO YANG!

LB: I've had enough of your tone, frankly. Guards, execute him.

*Messenger dragged, screaming, from Lui Bei's presence. Lui Bei turns to Zhuge Liang.*

LB: Insolent fool. Now, what did he want?

*Zhuge Liang sighs*
"The purpose of war is not to die for your cause, but to make the enemy die for his."

www.threekingdoms.galwar.co.uk
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Unread postby ACG » Fri Jul 25, 2003 12:51 pm

I dont get what Lb, ZL, etc. Please define the shortcuts. i dont get anything about it
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Unread postby English_Druid » Fri Jul 25, 2003 6:43 pm

:lol: I really liked that fanfic FengXian, it was pretty simple but really funny, I like it when they are short and funny. I hope you'll be doing more?
But no one dies in the right place
Or in the right hour
And everyone dies sooner than his time
And before he reaches home.
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Unread postby Jon » Fri Jul 25, 2003 6:50 pm

Great fan-fic, Feng Xian, I enjoyed it. :)
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Unread postby FengXian » Sat Jul 26, 2003 9:41 am

I'll do plenty more if people like to hear them. I also like doing Filks (changing the words of songs so that they're funny.)

For the confused one, ZL is Zhuge Liang, LB is Lui Bei, M is messenger and N is navigator. I did that to save me keep typing them over and over and over again.
"The purpose of war is not to die for your cause, but to make the enemy die for his."

www.threekingdoms.galwar.co.uk
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Unread postby FengXian » Sat Jul 26, 2003 10:00 am

Parody to 'Johnny be good'. Okay, so it's not the best I've ever done, but what can you expect from 15 mins work?

"Lu Bu is good.
------------------------------------

When I'm in Luo Yang City, Down at Hu Lao Gate,
We're back down within the valley, it's a place I hate,
There stood a tall podium made from Nails and Wood,
And on it, a tall man called Lu Bu - he's good!
Never, ever, ever could someone fight so well,
he can swing a halberd, just like he's ringing a bell.

Go! Go! Go, Lu Bu, Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go, Lu Bu, Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go, Lu Bu, Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go, Lu Bu, Go! Go! Go!
Lu Bu is good.

He used to carry his halberd square upon his back,
At stand beneath the trees by the mountain track,
But noone ever saw him standing in the shade,
Singing a tune that by him was made,
People passing by would look wth their eyes,
But Lu Bu if they saw him, he'd make sure they would die.

Go! Go! Go, Lu Bu, Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go, Lu Bu, Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go, Lu Bu, Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go, Lu Bu, Go! Go! Go!
Lu Bu is good.

<Repeat chorus and fade> "
"The purpose of war is not to die for your cause, but to make the enemy die for his."

www.threekingdoms.galwar.co.uk
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Unread postby ACG » Sat Jul 26, 2003 10:51 am

FengXian wrote:I'll do plenty more if people like to hear them. I also like doing Filks (changing the words of songs so that they're funny.)

For the confused one, ZL is Zhuge Liang, LB is Lui Bei, M is messenger and N is navigator. I did that to save me keep typing them over and over and over again.


Oh. Great fic! But at least give effort in typing it correctly.
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Unread postby PangDeGuy » Sat Jul 26, 2003 2:01 pm

This isn't funny also, but i thought i'd just post it up. i'd concentrate more if i had time ;)

Cao Cao: Hey, Xu Chu, protect me! I order you to protect me!

Xu Chu: From what?

Cao Cao: From this little twig. I-I-I'm v-v-very scared. *Whimper*

Xu Chu: *Looks at the ground* That's not a twig, it's a piece of grass.

Cao Cao: *Yelps* Yipes!

Xu Chu: Don't be a chicken!

Cao Cao: Chicken?! *Looks around nervously*

Xu Chu: *Sigh* No, don't be afraid.

Cao Cao: What? I'm not afraid! Eeek! *Sees a rock and screams like a little girl*

Xu Chu: *rolls his eyes* Sure you are.

Cao Cao: *Regains posture* No I'm not! I-I once fought a gravel all on my own *Looks proud*

Xu Chu: Actually, you freaked out when you got within a yard of it.

Cao Cao: *Looks down ashamed* Oh yeah. Well, you should stop eating too much!

Xu Chu: I do not eat that much! *Rubs his belly* That reminds me. Chow time!

Cao Cao: *Rolls his eyes now* Sure you don't.

Xu Chu: I don't! Really!

Cao Cao: Then explain that gigantic belly of yours.

Xu Chu: *Looks down* I, I, I'm just workout challenged, that's all! *looks proud at his response*

Cao Cao: Then explain why the kitchen was empty yesterday.

Xu Chu: How do you know I did it?

Cao Cao: Fat people make big holes in the ground you know.

Xu Chu: Who's fat? *Whistles*

Cao Cao: You.

Xu Chu: Am not!

Cao Cao: Am too!

Xu Chu: Am not!

Cao Cao: Am too!

*both shriek each other in high pitched voices, and a catfight starts*

Zhang He: Now now, we shouldn't be so women-like. *Does a feminine gesture*

Cao Cao and Xu Chu: *Stares at him* Tell that to yourself.

Zhang He: *Sigh* I guess you're right.... *Looks away*
"Scum of a matweaver!"-Yuan Shu
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