Destiny of an Emperor Parody: Part 4
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After returning to Xuzhou to rest and restock, Liu Bei marches south toward Tie Men Xia...
Zhang Fei: So Brother, got any ideas for what we should do once we're done with this?
Guan Yu: You mean after we kill hundreds of rebels and rob a dying old man of his castle?
Zhang Fei: That's right.
Guan Yu: Well, I figured that I'd go do some more fighting. The "God of War" slot in the pantheon of dieties is open and I need to meet the quota.
Mi Zhe: Such a worthy endeavor for a man of virtue like you.
Guan Yu: Oh yeah. In fact, I've already started my own "Murdering List":
People I need to brutally murder:
Those guys who want to arrest me
Zhang Jao
Zhang Bao
Zhang Liang
Song Yong
Song Yong: Why the hell am I on your list?
Guan Yu: I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Song Yong:...never mind. I probably don't want to know.
Liu Bei: Quiet guys, we're here. Everyone ready to fight the leader of the Yellow Turbans?
Chen Deng: Is "no" a valid answer?
Liu Bei: Nope! All units, charge!
Inside Tie Men Xia...
Zhang Jao: Look, the Imperial army is coming. Are we all set?
Zheng Mao: Er, I don't think Han Zhong came back from his mission to attack Xuzhou yet.
Zhang Jao: What? Where the hell is he?
Rebel Force: He was saying something about "building a bridge to the next century"...
Zheng Mao: Sounds like he's been using a few too many Smoke Pots.
Zhang Jao: Nevermind him, we'll be enough to defend this place. Just need to prepare my opening speech.
At the gates...
Song Ren: Fifty yuan says this guy insults us.
Song Yong: You're on.
Zhang Jao: I've had word of your coming. I heard you routed my brother. He always was a sniveling fool. At my hand you will die!
Song Yong: Ha! Pay up.
Song Ren: Damn it.
Zhang Jao: You can't win, Liu Bei. I've got the Will of Heaven on my side!
Liu Bei: Ah, but I possess the
Destiny of an Emperor!
Zhang Jao: What makes you think your slogan is better than mine?
Liu Bei: Mine's bigger.
Zhang Jao: Ack! Retreat! They're too strong! *flees*
Zhang Fei: Does anyone know what just happened?




Everyone: Not a clue.
Zhang Fei: Just checking.
Inside the fortress...
Liu Bei: Guys, one of the people here told me that Dong Zhuo is in this tent. Who wants to go meet him?
Guan Yu: I can't do it. I'd give him beard envy.
Zhang Fei: Yeah, and I'd give him a gaping chest wound.
Liu Bei: Fine. Let's see...Song Yong, you come with me. The rest of you go plunder or something.
Song Yong: Why me?
Liu Bei: What, do I need a reason for everything? Now come one.
In Dong Zhuo's tent...
Dong Zhuo: Ah, welcome. I see you've come to pay tribute to the one who single-handidly defeated the Yellow Turbans?
Liu Bei: Yeah, we're really thankful for...wait a minute! You didn't beat them, we did.
Dong Zhuo: Of course you didn't! Otherwise, why would I be here before you?
Song Yong: Maybe because you lost and they captured you?
Dong Zhuo: A valid point. Now, can I interest you in some wine?
Liu Bei: Alright, but not too much. I'm a light drinker.
Dong Zhuo: Oh, don't you worry. I'm sure you'll know when to stop.
Meanwhile...
Han Zhong: Ha ha, what a lot of treasure! It might have been a long journey, but going to Xuzhou and killing that governor was well worth it.
Brigand Force Uh, Boss, are you sure that was Xuzhou? I mean, I'm pretty sure it was more like the Jian Ye region...
Han Zhong: Nonsense. The talking signpost told me it was the right direction, so it must have been Xuzhou. Now take the rest of our bridge materials back to Qingzhou in case we need them again.
Brigand Force You got it, Boss.
Han Zhong: Ah, back at Tie Men Xia. Home sweet home. Hey, Lord Zhang Jao, I'm back! Let me in.
Zhang Fei: Another Turban officer? Looks like he's got a lot of gold with him down there.
Chen Deng: Should we capture him?
Guan Yu: Make it so.
Back inside Dong Zhuo's tent...
Liu Bei:...so then I made up *hic* a brilliant plan to *hic* defeat all the Turbans! And they all ran away! *hic*
Dong Zhuo: I know what you *hic* mean, man. I just smote all the Turbans *hic* that were around here. You should have been there, man.
Liu Bei: Oh yeah, I *hic* know what you mean.
Dong Zhuo: By the way *hic* who's this guy you brought in with you?
Liu Bei: Ah, he's my greatest general, Song Yong! He can oppose whole armies *hic* by himself. No one would stand a chance!
Song Yong: Umm...grr?
Dong Zhuo: A worthy man indeed! If only I had such a man...*slumps over*
Song Yong: Right, that's enough of this. Come on, Boss, you've had enough.
Outside...
Guan Yu: We're taking your gold off your hands. Now, if you tell us where Zhang Jao ran off to, we'll let you live.
Han Zhong: Well if he's not here, then he must be--
Zhang Fei: I warn you, if you say, "to the south and surrounded by mountains", I will kill you right now.
Han Zhong: No, actually he's probably already recaptured Qingzhou. But I can help you get inside.
Guan Yu: Alright, then. Take us there when we're done here.
Song Yong: Hey guys, we better head back to Xuzhou first. Liu Bei's had far too much to drink.
Mi Zhe: What, did he say something stupid?
Song Yong: He said I was the strongest warrior in the land.
Song Ren: Just leave him in an alley, then. He's too far gone.
more to come...
"You have attacked us before, and we survived! You cannot defeat us. Submit!"
"We have. You did. We can. No."