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Guan Yu: Look, we've been wandering out around here for hours. Let's go back to Xuzhou and rest up.
Near Xuzhou...
Song Yong: Hey look, there's a sign here on the road.
Mi Zhe: What's it say?
Song Yong: "Xuzhou-directly east. Mt. Da Xing, home of the Yellow Turbans-directly west."
Zhang Fei: What? You mean there's a road that leads straight there? Then why was Song Ren leading us all around the countryside?
Liu Bei: Hmmm...hey Song Ren, come here.
Song Ren: You rang?
Liu Bei suddenly ties Song Ren to the signpost.
Liu Bei: I just realized that there are seven of us traveling together, when really I only have enough food to support six officers. So we need to leave someone behind. But I don't want to pay for billeting, and since you got us lost, we're just going to leave you tied up here until we get back. Have fun now.
Song Ren: Hey, you can't do this to me!
Liu Bei: I just did. Deal with it.
Everyone leaves Song Ren behind.
Song Ren: I hate you guys.
Near Mt. Da Xing...
Liu Bei: Now, last time we attacked a Yellow Turban stronghold head-on, we almost lost. It was only due to my brilliant plan that we managed to win.
Song Yong: A plan which I highly disapproved of.
Liu Bei: Shush. Anyway, we need someone to scout out the area so we know what we're up against. Chen Deng, I want you to sneak in and find out who's inside.
Chen Deng: But that fort's surrounded by mountains and the only exit is heavily guarded. How am I supposed to get in?
Liu Bei: With your martial arts. Duh.
Chen Deng: Remind me to backstab you later.
Meanwhile...
Song Ren: Well this is just great. Stuck to a signpost in the middle of nowhere with no food or water. At least things can't get any worse.
Han Zhong: Men, Xuzhou is just ahead. Get ready to rape and pillage!
Brigand Forces: Roger that, sir!
Song Ren: Oh boy. Yellow Turbans. I don't whether to laugh or cry. Hey you, over here!
Han Zhong: I say, it's a signpost with a man growing out of it!
Brigand Forces: What's it say?
Song Ren: It says, "You idiots, get me down from here!"
Han Zhong: Well that's a lousy thing to put on a sign. Say, Mr. Sign, you wouldn't happen to know the way to Xuzhou, would you? We're off to plunder it.
Song Ren: Xuzhou? Oh sure, it's, uh, south of here. Very far south. Like, across the Chang Jiang.
Han Zhong: The Chang Jiang! We'll never make it across there!
Brigand Forces: Hey, sir! What if we...built a bridge across it?
Han Zhong: Capital idea! Right, men, let's go practice building some bridges. Off we go!
Song Ren: Why does no one help me?
Back at Mt. Dai Xing...
Chen Deng: I don't know how I did it, but I snuck inside and stole this ledger. Good thing I was offscreen the whole time.
Zhang Fei: Let's take a look-see.
Zhang Bao--300 men
Cheng Y uan Zhi--200 men
Rebel Force--100 men
Guan Yu: Hey, looks like someone messed up. There's an extra space here in the second name.
Liu Bei: Don't worry about a typo. Let's just move out. Everyone, attack!
Zhang Bao: Your Imperial Army seems obsessed with death. Do battle with me and I'll give them a free lesson.
Cheng Y uan Zhi: What he said.
Mi Zhe: Lian Huo!
Zhang Bao: Oh no! My highly flammable beard is on fire! *runs away*
Cheng Y uan Zhi: You may have defeated my master, but you will never overcome me, the great Cheng Y uan Zhi!
Guan Yu: Sorry, what was your name?
Cheng Y uan Zhi: I told you, I am Cheng Y uan Zhi.
Guan Yu: Huh? Cheng Yuan Zhi?
Cheng Y uan Zhi: Cheng. Y. Uan. Zhi. Are you deaf or something?
Guan Yu: Nope, just being a diversion while Zhang Fei sneaks behind you.
Zhang Fei: Stabby stabby. *stabs*
Cheng Y uan Zhi:Curses! Foiled again! *runs*
Mi Zhe: I'm going to talk to the villagers here to find out where the loot is.
Liu Bei: And where the other Yellow Turbans are, right?
Mi Zhe: I can't make any promises.
Inside the center tent...
Zhang Fei: Who would leave an Ax in a pot like this? Oh well, I'll use it for myself. Here Song Yong, you can have my old Flail.
Song Yong: I am become Death, destroyer of worlds.
Zhang Fei: Don't kid yourself, man.
Outside...
Mi Zhe: Boss, I found out where the leader of the Yellow Turbans is. It seems that his base is to the south and surrounded by mountains.
Liu Bei: Sounds like a job for Song Ren! We better go back and get him.
Liu Bei's army returns to the signpost.
Song Ren: It has been 30 hours since you've been gone. I hope you know, I could have freed myself and hunted you down if I wanted to.
Liu Bei: So why didn't you?
Song Ren: I was too busy saving Xuzhou from a massive Yellow Turban army. I killed them all. With my eye-beams.
Liu Bei: I guess you learned your lesson then. Let's go kill some Turbans!
more to come...
