Fate of a Rebel/Parody of the Three Kingdoms

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Unread postby Taishi Ci 2.0 » Thu Apr 26, 2007 10:53 pm

Destiny of an Emperor Parody: Part 3
---
ImageGuan Yu: Look, we've been wandering out around here for hours. Let's go back to Xuzhou and rest up.

Near Xuzhou...

ImageSong Yong: Hey look, there's a sign here on the road.

ImageMi Zhe: What's it say?

ImageSong Yong: "Xuzhou-directly east. Mt. Da Xing, home of the Yellow Turbans-directly west."

ImageZhang Fei: What? You mean there's a road that leads straight there? Then why was Song Ren leading us all around the countryside?

ImageLiu Bei: Hmmm...hey Song Ren, come here.

ImageSong Ren: You rang?

Liu Bei suddenly ties Song Ren to the signpost.

ImageLiu Bei: I just realized that there are seven of us traveling together, when really I only have enough food to support six officers. So we need to leave someone behind. But I don't want to pay for billeting, and since you got us lost, we're just going to leave you tied up here until we get back. Have fun now.

ImageSong Ren: Hey, you can't do this to me!

ImageLiu Bei: I just did. Deal with it.

Everyone leaves Song Ren behind.

ImageSong Ren: I hate you guys.

Near Mt. Da Xing...

ImageLiu Bei: Now, last time we attacked a Yellow Turban stronghold head-on, we almost lost. It was only due to my brilliant plan that we managed to win.

ImageSong Yong: A plan which I highly disapproved of.

ImageLiu Bei: Shush. Anyway, we need someone to scout out the area so we know what we're up against. Chen Deng, I want you to sneak in and find out who's inside.

ImageChen Deng: But that fort's surrounded by mountains and the only exit is heavily guarded. How am I supposed to get in?

ImageLiu Bei: With your martial arts. Duh.

ImageChen Deng: Remind me to backstab you later.

Meanwhile...

ImageSong Ren: Well this is just great. Stuck to a signpost in the middle of nowhere with no food or water. At least things can't get any worse.

ImageHan Zhong: Men, Xuzhou is just ahead. Get ready to rape and pillage!

Brigand Forces: Roger that, sir!

ImageSong Ren: Oh boy. Yellow Turbans. I don't whether to laugh or cry. Hey you, over here!

ImageHan Zhong: I say, it's a signpost with a man growing out of it!

Brigand Forces: What's it say?

ImageSong Ren: It says, "You idiots, get me down from here!"

ImageHan Zhong: Well that's a lousy thing to put on a sign. Say, Mr. Sign, you wouldn't happen to know the way to Xuzhou, would you? We're off to plunder it.

ImageSong Ren: Xuzhou? Oh sure, it's, uh, south of here. Very far south. Like, across the Chang Jiang.

ImageHan Zhong: The Chang Jiang! We'll never make it across there!

Brigand Forces: Hey, sir! What if we...built a bridge across it?

ImageHan Zhong: Capital idea! Right, men, let's go practice building some bridges. Off we go!

ImageSong Ren: Why does no one help me?

Back at Mt. Dai Xing...

ImageChen Deng: I don't know how I did it, but I snuck inside and stole this ledger. Good thing I was offscreen the whole time.

ImageZhang Fei: Let's take a look-see.

Zhang Bao--300 men
Cheng Y uan Zhi--200 men
Rebel Force--100 men


ImageGuan Yu: Hey, looks like someone messed up. There's an extra space here in the second name.

ImageLiu Bei: Don't worry about a typo. Let's just move out. Everyone, attack!

ImageZhang Bao: Your Imperial Army seems obsessed with death. Do battle with me and I'll give them a free lesson.

ImageCheng Y uan Zhi: What he said.

ImageMi Zhe: Lian Huo!

ImageZhang Bao: Oh no! My highly flammable beard is on fire! *runs away*

ImageCheng Y uan Zhi: You may have defeated my master, but you will never overcome me, the great Cheng Y uan Zhi!

ImageGuan Yu: Sorry, what was your name?

ImageCheng Y uan Zhi: I told you, I am Cheng Y uan Zhi.

ImageGuan Yu: Huh? Cheng Yuan Zhi?

ImageCheng Y uan Zhi: Cheng. Y. Uan. Zhi. Are you deaf or something?

ImageGuan Yu: Nope, just being a diversion while Zhang Fei sneaks behind you.

ImageZhang Fei: Stabby stabby. *stabs*

ImageCheng Y uan Zhi:Curses! Foiled again! *runs*

ImageMi Zhe: I'm going to talk to the villagers here to find out where the loot is.

ImageLiu Bei: And where the other Yellow Turbans are, right?

ImageMi Zhe: I can't make any promises.

Inside the center tent...

ImageZhang Fei: Who would leave an Ax in a pot like this? Oh well, I'll use it for myself. Here Song Yong, you can have my old Flail.

ImageSong Yong: I am become Death, destroyer of worlds.

ImageZhang Fei: Don't kid yourself, man.

Outside...

ImageMi Zhe: Boss, I found out where the leader of the Yellow Turbans is. It seems that his base is to the south and surrounded by mountains.

ImageLiu Bei: Sounds like a job for Song Ren! We better go back and get him.

Liu Bei's army returns to the signpost.

ImageSong Ren: It has been 30 hours since you've been gone. I hope you know, I could have freed myself and hunted you down if I wanted to.

ImageLiu Bei: So why didn't you?

ImageSong Ren: I was too busy saving Xuzhou from a massive Yellow Turban army. I killed them all. With my eye-beams.

ImageLiu Bei: I guess you learned your lesson then. Let's go kill some Turbans!

more to come...
"You have attacked us before, and we survived! You cannot defeat us. Submit!"
"We have. You did. We can. No."
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Unread postby Perhong_Angtong » Thu Apr 26, 2007 11:01 pm

That parody is so funny, and it matches most of the things in DOAE! (Except the fact that you can just leave the two song brothers to rot...)
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Unread postby Taishi Ci 2.0 » Thu Apr 26, 2007 11:02 pm

Perhong_Angtong wrote:That parody is so funny, and it matches most of the things in DOAE! (Except the fact that you can just leave the two song brothers to rot...)


Leave the Song brothers? Blasphemy.

Glad you enjoyed it.
"You have attacked us before, and we survived! You cannot defeat us. Submit!"
"We have. You did. We can. No."
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Unread postby Lordyuanshu » Thu Apr 26, 2007 11:06 pm

Tough battle coming up.

I can't wait for the Han Zhong / Qing Zhou Cave Brigand scene.
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Unread postby Perhong_Angtong » Thu Apr 26, 2007 11:14 pm

I know it's still far, but I wonder how Lu Bu's defection will go on...
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Unread postby Taishi Ci 2.0 » Thu Apr 26, 2007 11:17 pm

Oh don't worry, I've got it all planned out*...





*May or may not be true
"You have attacked us before, and we survived! You cannot defeat us. Submit!"
"We have. You did. We can. No."
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Unread postby Taishi Ci 2.0 » Fri Apr 27, 2007 10:54 pm

Destiny of an Emperor Parody: Part 4
---
After returning to Xuzhou to rest and restock, Liu Bei marches south toward Tie Men Xia...

ImageZhang Fei: So Brother, got any ideas for what we should do once we're done with this?

ImageGuan Yu: You mean after we kill hundreds of rebels and rob a dying old man of his castle?

ImageZhang Fei: That's right.

ImageGuan Yu: Well, I figured that I'd go do some more fighting. The "God of War" slot in the pantheon of dieties is open and I need to meet the quota.

ImageMi Zhe: Such a worthy endeavor for a man of virtue like you.

ImageGuan Yu: Oh yeah. In fact, I've already started my own "Murdering List":

People I need to brutally murder:
Those guys who want to arrest me
Zhang Jao
Zhang Bao
Zhang Liang
Song Yong


ImageSong Yong: Why the hell am I on your list?

ImageGuan Yu: I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

ImageSong Yong:...never mind. I probably don't want to know.

ImageLiu Bei: Quiet guys, we're here. Everyone ready to fight the leader of the Yellow Turbans?

ImageChen Deng: Is "no" a valid answer?

ImageLiu Bei: Nope! All units, charge!

Inside Tie Men Xia...

ImageZhang Jao: Look, the Imperial army is coming. Are we all set?

ImageZheng Mao: Er, I don't think Han Zhong came back from his mission to attack Xuzhou yet.

ImageZhang Jao: What? Where the hell is he?

ImageRebel Force: He was saying something about "building a bridge to the next century"...

ImageZheng Mao: Sounds like he's been using a few too many Smoke Pots.

ImageZhang Jao: Nevermind him, we'll be enough to defend this place. Just need to prepare my opening speech.

At the gates...

ImageSong Ren: Fifty yuan says this guy insults us.

ImageSong Yong: You're on.

ImageZhang Jao: I've had word of your coming. I heard you routed my brother. He always was a sniveling fool. At my hand you will die!

ImageSong Yong: Ha! Pay up.

ImageSong Ren: Damn it.

ImageZhang Jao: You can't win, Liu Bei. I've got the Will of Heaven on my side!

ImageLiu Bei: Ah, but I possess the Destiny of an Emperor!

ImageZhang Jao: What makes you think your slogan is better than mine?

ImageLiu Bei: Mine's bigger.

ImageZhang Jao: Ack! Retreat! They're too strong! *flees*

ImageZhang Fei: Does anyone know what just happened?

ImageImageImageImageImageEveryone: Not a clue.

ImageZhang Fei: Just checking.

Inside the fortress...

ImageLiu Bei: Guys, one of the people here told me that Dong Zhuo is in this tent. Who wants to go meet him?

ImageGuan Yu: I can't do it. I'd give him beard envy.

ImageZhang Fei: Yeah, and I'd give him a gaping chest wound.

ImageLiu Bei: Fine. Let's see...Song Yong, you come with me. The rest of you go plunder or something.

ImageSong Yong: Why me?

ImageLiu Bei: What, do I need a reason for everything? Now come one.

In Dong Zhuo's tent...

ImageDong Zhuo: Ah, welcome. I see you've come to pay tribute to the one who single-handidly defeated the Yellow Turbans?

ImageLiu Bei: Yeah, we're really thankful for...wait a minute! You didn't beat them, we did.

ImageDong Zhuo: Of course you didn't! Otherwise, why would I be here before you?

ImageSong Yong: Maybe because you lost and they captured you?

ImageDong Zhuo: A valid point. Now, can I interest you in some wine?

ImageLiu Bei: Alright, but not too much. I'm a light drinker.

ImageDong Zhuo: Oh, don't you worry. I'm sure you'll know when to stop.

Meanwhile...

ImageHan Zhong: Ha ha, what a lot of treasure! It might have been a long journey, but going to Xuzhou and killing that governor was well worth it.

ImageBrigand Force Uh, Boss, are you sure that was Xuzhou? I mean, I'm pretty sure it was more like the Jian Ye region...

ImageHan Zhong: Nonsense. The talking signpost told me it was the right direction, so it must have been Xuzhou. Now take the rest of our bridge materials back to Qingzhou in case we need them again.

ImageBrigand Force You got it, Boss.

ImageHan Zhong: Ah, back at Tie Men Xia. Home sweet home. Hey, Lord Zhang Jao, I'm back! Let me in.

ImageZhang Fei: Another Turban officer? Looks like he's got a lot of gold with him down there.

ImageChen Deng: Should we capture him?

ImageGuan Yu: Make it so.

Back inside Dong Zhuo's tent...

ImageLiu Bei:...so then I made up *hic* a brilliant plan to *hic* defeat all the Turbans! And they all ran away! *hic*

ImageDong Zhuo: I know what you *hic* mean, man. I just smote all the Turbans *hic* that were around here. You should have been there, man.

ImageLiu Bei: Oh yeah, I *hic* know what you mean.

ImageDong Zhuo: By the way *hic* who's this guy you brought in with you?

ImageLiu Bei: Ah, he's my greatest general, Song Yong! He can oppose whole armies *hic* by himself. No one would stand a chance!

ImageSong Yong: Umm...grr?

ImageDong Zhuo: A worthy man indeed! If only I had such a man...*slumps over*

ImageSong Yong: Right, that's enough of this. Come on, Boss, you've had enough.

Outside...

ImageGuan Yu: We're taking your gold off your hands. Now, if you tell us where Zhang Jao ran off to, we'll let you live.

ImageHan Zhong: Well if he's not here, then he must be--

ImageZhang Fei: I warn you, if you say, "to the south and surrounded by mountains", I will kill you right now.

ImageHan Zhong: No, actually he's probably already recaptured Qingzhou. But I can help you get inside.

ImageGuan Yu: Alright, then. Take us there when we're done here.

ImageSong Yong: Hey guys, we better head back to Xuzhou first. Liu Bei's had far too much to drink.

ImageMi Zhe: What, did he say something stupid?

ImageSong Yong: He said I was the strongest warrior in the land.

ImageSong Ren: Just leave him in an alley, then. He's too far gone.

more to come...
"You have attacked us before, and we survived! You cannot defeat us. Submit!"
"We have. You did. We can. No."
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Unread postby Lordyuanshu » Sat Apr 28, 2007 3:36 am

The big finale against the Yellow Turbans coming up. I have a feeling the Song brothers are going to be the difference in the battle at Qing Zhou.
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Unread postby dirtybird » Sat Apr 28, 2007 12:29 pm

Indeed. I deeply await its release.
Everything i've obtained, and all i know; i give it away just to know you Lord.
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Unread postby Perhong_Angtong » Sat Apr 28, 2007 12:48 pm

I wonder how Liu Bei will get appointed governor...
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