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Unread postPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 3:52 am
by Niahak
I have to say, "What's got his timbers all shivered?" is quite possibly one of the best pieces of pirate dialogue I've seen. :lol:
I'm really enjoying this, keep up the good work.

Unread postPosted: Sun Aug 12, 2007 8:54 pm
by Taishi Ci 2.0
Destiny of an Emperor Parody: Part 20
Now with more strategery!
---
In a planning room in Huai Nan Castle...

ImageHuo Hu: Gentlemen, we are gathered here today to discuss how to defeat Yuan Shu. Since our usual policy of "blindly attack the castle and hope for an unlikely series of events" has started to get a bit stale, I've decided to go with a long and needlessly complicated plan instead. Any questions?

ImageZhang Fei: Yes, why are you still in charge here? I mean, we're Liu Bei's brothers and all.

ImageHuo Hu: Because my intellengence score is the highest.

ImageGuan Yu: But that makes no sense.

ImageHuo Hu: It does to me. Now, seeing as Yuan Shu has declared himself the Emperor, that makes him the most powerful man in China, right?

ImageGuan Ping: Well, nominally, but he's only got one castle left and we've already defeated half his generals and--

ImageHuo Hu: That's not the point! The Emperor's always the most powerful.

ImageMi Zhe: Sure, but what does that prove?

ImageHuo Hu: Well, if there's anything I know from all those nights of playing Stratego, it's that the most powerful unit can only be defeated by the least powerful one. And who is the least powerful man in China right now?

ImageLu Bu: Song Yong?

ImageLiu Feng: Liu Bei?

ImageChiang Kai-shek: Mao Zedong? *flees*

ImageGuan Yu: Who let him in here?

ImageHuo Hu: Nevermind that. The real answer is, in fact, the actual Emperor. I mean, how much screentime has he had so far? I think even Tao Qian had more lines than him. So what we need to do is get the Emperor and take him to Nan Yang in order to defeat Yuan Shu.

ImageMi Zhe: I fail to see how this is supposed to work. We just show up at Nan Yang with the Emperor and then expect to win?

ImageHuo Hu: First we'll need to send someone in to steal back the Imperial Seal. Then we will have the Emperor appeal to his loyalty to the Han, to his dedication to peace, and to the welfare of the people; that should make Yuan Shu feel guilty enough to surrender.

ImageLu Bu: And if, you know, he doesn't?

ImageHuo Hu: Then we kick his ass.

ImageZhang Fei: Suddenly I am in favor of the plan.

ImageChen Deng: So we're borrowing the most "powerful" man in China. Where would we find him?

ImageGuan Ping: I think the last time we saw him, he was leaving with Cao Cao.

ImageMi Zhe: Ok, then we'll just go visit him in...uh...where does Cao Cao live?

ImageGuan Yu: I don't think anyone's ever actually told us that.

ImageCao Cao Even I don't know the answer to that one!

ImageHuo Hu: Don't worry about that. Even if we don't know exactly where he is, we can find him quickly using our <s>plot device</s> steed, Red Hare, which I just remembered we had. That way we can attack and get the Emperor at the same time. Now, who wants to go get the Emperor?

ImageSong Ren: I'd like to nominate Yang Jin to go.

ImageYang Jin: Don't be silly, mate, the only horse I could ride is a seahorse! Hahaha!

ImageSong Ren: In that case, let me go so I can get away from him.

ImageHuo Hu: Sure, why not? Unless anyone else objects--

ImageLu Bu: I object! Red Hare is my horse, so shouldn't I get to ride him?

ImageHuo Hu: No, we need to keep you with us for all the upcoming mindless violence and such.

ImageLu Bu: Grrr...

ImageHuo Hu: Alright, time to move out. We'll go over the specifics of the attack once we get close to Nan Yang. Any more questions?

ImageSong Yong: Yes, where does Song Yong the Mighty fit into this plan?

ImageHuo Hu:...just, um, guard the powder or something.

ImageSong Yong: Oh boy!

Meanwhile, in Nan Yang...

ImageYuan Shu: So Jia Xu. Do you actually have any plans I can use while I wait for my brother to bail me out?

ImageJia Xu: Let's see...from reading the reports, it seems that Chen Ji and Lei Bo defected because you took away all the women and powder from their town.

ImageYuan Shu: Yes I did. What about it?

ImageJia Xu: It occurs to me that you could get them to rejoin if you just gave all of that back.

ImageYuan Shu: And why would I do something like that?

ImageJia Xu: You would regain two generals.

ImageYuan Shu: I'd rather keep the women.

ImageJia Xu: You'd cut off Liu Bei's army and have them trapped in Huai Nan.

ImageYuan Shu: Still rather have the women.

ImageJia Xu: You'd be able to crush the only real threat to your authority as Emperor!

ImageYuan Shu: But as Emperor, I'm supposed to make stupid decisions that give me decadent pleasures. The point is, I'd rather give away the Imperial Seal than the women and powder.

ImageJia Xu:...why did I ever come here?

ImageYuan Shu: Because I'm fighting Liu Bei and you want to get back at him?

ImageJia Xu: But he'll probably wind up fighting everyone else anyway.

ImageYuan Shu: Screw everyone else, I'm the Decider around here! That means I'm decisive! Unlike some people...

Meanwhile, in Ji Zhou...

ImageYuan Shao: Advisors!

ImageImageImageImageGuo Tu, Ju Shou, Tian Feng & Shen Pei: You called us, my lord?

ImageYuan Shao: Yes, I am trying to decide whether I should eat the Frosted Flakes or the Corn Pops for breakfast. What do you think?

ImageJames: This seems familiar somehow...

more to come...
---
ImageImageImageZhou Yu, Zhuge Liang & Sima Yi: An entire episode on strategy and we're not in it? Somebody fire that director!

Unread postPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 4:26 pm
by James
Taishi Ci 2.0 wrote:James: This seems familiar somehow...

*Laughs* :lol:

Unread postPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 11:04 pm
by Perhong_Angtong
Whoa! Fanfiction joke! Great! Waiting for the next part!

Unread postPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 3:44 pm
by Perhong_Angtong
Hummm... Been a while since the last update... Occupied with school, Taishi?

Unread postPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2007 12:47 am
by Taishi Ci 2.0
Destiny of an Emperor Parody: Part 21
---
In Ji Zhou...

ImageYuan Shao:...so after careful consideration, I've decided to eat the Frosted Flakes. I'm certain I'll be able to finish them before they can turn soggy.

ImageGuo Tu: Very good, sir. Here is your spoon.

Yuan Shao is about to eat when suddenly a messenger appears.

ImageMessenger: Lord, someone from Nan Yang is here to see you.

ImageYuan Shao: Alright, send him in. This shouldn't take too long.

ImageYuan Yin: Hey, it's me. I'm here on behalf of, er, Lord Yuan Shu.

ImageYuan Shao: What does he want now? I'm trying to enjoy myself here.

ImageYuan Yin: Well, we're under attack by Liu Bei's army, and we need reinforcements from you in order to stand a chance. Please help us.

ImageYuan Shao: Hmmm...maybe if you said, "pretty please with a cherry on top", I might help you out.

ImageYuan Yin: Absolutely not. I have my dignity.

ImageYuan Shao: And I have my breakfast cereal. Good day, sir!

ImageYuan Yin:..........Help us, pretty please with a cherry on top.

ImageYuan Shao: Hahahaha, oh wow, you actually said it. I think that just made my day.

ImageShen Pei:*whispering* Does "with a cherry on top" actually mean anything?

ImageJu Shou:*whispering* I think he made it up. It seems like a sign of his senility.

ImageImageGuo Tu & Tian Feng:*whispering* So true.

ImageYuan Yin: So you're going to help us then?

ImageYuan Shao: Actually, no, not really. Everyone already hates Yuan Shu for declaring himself Emperor. If I helped you, then everyone would hate me too.

ImageYuan Yin: I was afraid of this. Yuan Shu did give me this list of things we'd give you in exchange for reinforcements.

ImageYuan Shao: Well then, tell me what they are and I might change my mind.

ImageYuan Yin: *Ahem*

"Dear Yuan Shao, if you help give me reinforcements, I will give you half my gold, half my women, the Imperial Seal, and all the powder you want. Love, Yuan Shu."

ImageYuan Shao: A tempting offer, but I already have a lot of that stuff anyway, and I don't really need the Imperial Seal either.

ImageYuan Yin: Wait, there's something more...

"P.S. I will also give back that thing I took from the lower corner of that closet in that one room. You know what I'm talking about."

ImageYuan Shao: I have no idea what he's talking about. But I can't take the chance it's not something important! Advisors, tell my troops to prepare to move out.

ImageYuan Yin: So you'll help us now?

ImageYuan Shao: We'll be there! Just as soon as I finish my breakfast.

ImageYuan Yin: Good, I can finally leave. There's too much snow around here. *leaves*

ImageYuan Shao: Now then, I'll just eat my Frosted Flakes here and...hey, what's this? My cereal has become soggy!

ImageShen Pei: It seems you spent so much time talking to Yuan Yin, you couldn't eat it in time.

ImageYuan Shao: I need someone to blame. Guo Tu, you were the last person I talked to before he came in, so I'm going to order your execution. No hard feelings, right?

ImageGuo Tu: W-what?! Hey, you can't do this to me!

The guards come and take Guo Tu away.

ImageYuan Shao: I love this job.

Meanwhile, at Chen Cang Fortress...

ImageLi Feng: Hey, Han Xian.

ImageHan Xian: What is it this time?

ImageLi Feng: How many days have we been guarding this place now? I mean, we never see any action around here.

ImageHan Xian: Would you quit complaining? That's the best part about this job; we're never in danger of being attacked out here. It's nice and peaceful.

ImageLi Feng: Bah, nice and peaceful is boring. I mean, there's no wine or women or anything here. It's just you and me sitting around doing nothing.

ImageHan Xian: Actually, there is that one guy that Yuan Shu sent here. I think that's him now.

ImageStrange Man: There's no one else here. I am the only one here. You will not find anyone here but me.

ImageLi Feng: That guy scares me.

ImageHan Xian: Yeah, I did think he was sent here for being a bit crazy.

ImageLi Feng: Anyway, if you're going to be mean to me, I'll just sit over here playing Solitaire. There's nothing else to do here.

ImageHan Xian: Well, other than, you know, doing your job. We need to make sure that no one can attack this fort. So I'll be watching for the enemy.

ImageLi Feng: You do that.

Somewhere nearby...

ImageZhang Fei: That appears to be the fort.

ImageGuan Ping: So what do we do now? Should we just rush it?

ImageHuo Hu: Absolutely not. We're going to come up with a plan for this one, because this army needs to actually use some tactics for once. No more depending on dumb luck.

ImageLu Bu: Then what do you suggest?

ImageHuo Hu: Well, based on this map of the area, the best plan seems to be to wait until nightfall, send a small group across the river to the back of the fort, start a fire attack, open the gate in the confusion, and capture the fort. Any questions?

ImageLiu Feng: We don't have any boats. How are we supposed to get across the river?

ImageWang Gui: Just means you'll have to swim, old chap. Afraid of getting wet?

ImageMi Zhe: Not an idea I'd like, but at least it's better than catapulting yourself across or some such.

ImageGuan Yu: The only person who would suggest something like that is Song Yong, and I don't see him anywhere.

ImageChen Deng: Should we look for him?

ImageHuo Hu: Don't worry about him, he's probably guarding the powder or whatever. Now, everyone come here so I can tell you your jobs...

Back at Chen Cang Fortress...

ImageLi Feng: ......

ImageHan Xian: Well?

ImageLi Feng: Well, what?

ImageHan Xian: How's your Solitaire game going?

ImageLi Feng: Hard to say. Every card is just a picture of Yuan Shu.

ImageHan Xian: That sounds highly egotistical... Hey, look.

ImageLi Feng: I am looking, it's definately him.

ImageHan Xian: No, I mean, look! Out there, on the bridge!

ImageLi Feng: Hmm? Oh, someone's coming this way...

ImageHan Xian: Who is that?

ImageLi Feng: I don't know... Maybe it's the enemy?

ImageSong Yong: Hey, you guys! Which way is Yuan Shu's castle?

ImageLi Feng: What did he say?

ImageHan Xian: I don't know, but we don't know who he is, so we should probably just stay inside the fort.

ImageLi Feng: Wait, let me check the manual. We haven't had to actually fight anyone before.

ImageHan Xian: Then hurry up and tell me what it says.

ImageLi Feng: According to this, we're supposed to go out there and fight him.

ImageHan Xian: What!? Let me see that!

Manual: "When confronted by the enemy, immediately leave your defensive structures and engage them with your entire army. This works every time."

ImageHan Xian: ...I guess you can't argue with that logic. Ok, everyone prepare to attack the enemy!

ImageStrange Man: There are no other people here. Other people, here, they are not.

ImageHan Xian: Except him.

Meanwhile...

ImageHuo Hu: ...and then Yang Jin will open the gate so the rest of us can enter the fort. Everyone got it?

ImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageEveryone: No.

ImageHuo Hu: Can't you guys focus for one minute? Ok, I'll go over it again. Chen Deng will go up to the fort to distract them, while Wang Gui and--

ImageSong Yong: Hey guys, I think we have a problem.

ImageChen Deng: What, did you lead the enemy to our location or something?

ImageSong Yong: Oh come on, I'm not that stupid. I was just gonna say that nobody I asked knew where Yuan Shu's castle was.

ImageHuo Hu: Song Yong, we already know where Nan Yang is. That's why we're trying to capture this fort.

ImageSong Yong: Well nobody told me about this.

ImageHuo Hu: Just forget it. Now, as I was saying, we're going to--

ImageImageLi Feng & Han Xian: Hi.

ImageWang Gui: Oi, what do you lot want?

ImageLi Feng: I believe we're here to kill you.

ImageLu Bu: So that means you're members of Yuan Shu's army?

ImageHan Xian: That's right.

ImageLu Bu: In that case, prepare to--

ImageHuo Hu: Hold it! This is not part of the plan! You guys are supposed to be waiting in the fort until we attack you, not the other way around.

ImageChen Deng: But they're already here. We really should be fighting right now.

ImageLi Feng: Yeah, that's definately what the manual says.

ImageHuo Hu: Alright, fine! But I doubt you can win without my superior strategies!

Moments later...

ImageImageLi Feng & Han Xian: *dead*

ImageHuo Hu: I don't get it. How do we always manage to win without any idea of what we're doing?

ImageZhang Fei: It's just what we do.

ImageLiu Feng: At least now no one has to spend the night in the river now.

ImageSong Yong: Song Yong the Mighty wins again!

ImageLiu Feng: Except him.

ImageSong Yong: Aww...

more to come...

Unread postPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2007 2:41 pm
by Ricky
Chiang Kai-shek, WTF?! :lol:
Song Yong will never get a brain, haha!

Unread postPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 11:27 am
by James
Whew... so <i>tired</i>!

http://kongming.net/comic/fate_of_a_rebel/

Still need to add the introduction, link to the story, fine-tune a few page elements, but there it is! I’m happy to finally include this comic on Kongming’s Archives! Love reading it, love Destiny of an Emperor. :)

Unread postPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 3:08 pm
by Ricky
Wow James, you must really like this. You even have it in KMA 1#!

Unread postPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 7:11 am
by Taishi Ci 2.0
So I decided to check out the FoaR section, and I noticed some links had been added to my little intro section. Huo Hu and the Song Brothers, linking to another page? I dared to check the links...

http://kongming.net/encyclopedia/?search=1719
http://kongming.net/encyclopedia/?search=1118%2C1119

Wow, actual biographies for them! I think the best part is in Huo Hu's page:

Rank and Titles
“Master of Powders” (Self-Proclaimed)