Fate of a Rebel/Parody of the Three Kingdoms

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Unread postby Ricky » Tue Jun 12, 2007 2:50 am

Adam Sisemore wrote:Ye gods man it's been forever, where's my story?!
I cry myself to sleep thinking about how you haven't posted another one every night.


Feel the same way, Adam honestly I look all the time if theres a new one.
First upload.
All hail to the lord!

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Unread postby Foif » Tue Jun 12, 2007 5:35 am

Lordyuanshu wrote:The DoaE force already has drug and alcohol problems...fortunately there is a bar south of Chang An where Zhao Yun resides.

Image


:lol: I remember it took me a really long time to get that drunken bastard, Zhao Yun!
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Unread postby Taishi Ci 2.0 » Tue Jun 12, 2007 9:16 pm

I was ready to update this, but then suddenly I have a job to go to, and then I had to graduate from high school, and then Der Langrisser's English translation came out...yeah. Here you go.

Destiny of an Emperor Parody: Part 15
---
ImageLiu Bei: So guys, what's the update on things? Did you get my appointment as governor?

ImageGuan Yu: Yeah, we talked to the Emperor in Yang Zhou and he said it was alright.

ImageZhang Fei: Not to mention that we captured all these cities.

ImageLiu Bei: You managed to kill Dong Zhuo?

ImageZhang Fei: Yeah, we pretty much own all these cities now.

ImageLiu Bei: But what about the coalition leaders?

ImageYuan Shao: Can't talk, playing in the snow.

ImageYuan Shu: Can't talk, planning hostile takeover.

ImageImageCao Cao and Sun Ce: Can't talk, the scriptwriters didn't give us any more lines.

ImageZhang Fei: Yeah, we pretty much own all these cities now.

ImageSong Ren: Hey Boss, since you own the capital now, shouldn't you declare yourself Emperor?

ImageGuan Yu: I don't think that's a good idea. You can't really base your Emperorship on owning something.

ImageLiu Bei: Yeah, for now I'll just stick with Governor.

ImageSong Yong: But being the Emperor would be awesome! You could kill anyone you wanted, and build palaces you never visit, and all that jazz.

ImageLiu Bei: What's stopping me from doing that now?

ImageGuan Yu: A sense of virtue and a low budget?

ImageLiu Bei: That works for me. By the way, what did you guys do with all of Dong Zhuo's old officers?

ImageZhang Fei: Yeah, about that...

Elsewhere...

ImageHan Zhong: OK, next number is B12.

ImageLi Jue: Bingo!

ImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageTurbans and Rebel Officers: Damn you, Liu Jue!

Meanwhile, in Nan Yang castle...

ImageYuan Shu: Look, the game's called Destiny of an Emperor for a reason. If he's not going to become Emperor, then I will.

Emperor: But I'm already the Emperor!

ImageYuan Shu: You don't count.

Emperor:...*cry*

ImageJi Ling: What are your orders, sir?

ImageYuan Shu: Alright, first off, you will now address me as Lord Yuan Shu, because that just has a nice ring to it. Second, since I'm the Emperor now, I'm changing the land's name from Han to Cheng.

ImageZhang Xun: Don't you mean Zhong?

ImageLord Yuan Shu: Hey, I'm in charge here. I think I know what to name my own kingdom.

ImageJi Ling: Anything else?

ImageLord Yuan Shu: Yes, I want you to go round up all the good-looking ladies in my kingdom and bring them to me so I can have a little fun.

ImageJi Ling: Understood, Lord Yuan Shu.

ImageZhang Xun: What about Liu Bei's army?

ImageLord Yuan Shu: Don't worry, I've got a plan that should keep them occupied. Somebody get my brother on speed-dial...

Back in Chang An...

ImageLiu Bei: Well I'm off to go governate for a while. You guys find something to do. *leaves*

ImageSong Ren: So what did you guys do for fun before you started killing rebels and pillaging towns?

ImageZhang Fei: Well, Liu Bei sold shoes and mats, and I was a butcher. I think Guan Yu was on the run from the law.

ImageGuan Yu: But since we're the law now, I guess I don't really have to worry much.

ImageLu Bu: Hey, here comes a soldier.

ImageRebel Force: Ah, hello. I'm a messenger of Lord Yuan Shu.

ImageLu Bu: What does he want?

ImageRebel Force: He'd like to invite Liu Bei's strongest warriors to his famous bar, just south of here, as celebration of their victory over Dong Zhuo.

ImageZhang Fei: Tell him we'll be there.

ImageRebel Force: Thank you. *leaves*

ImageGuan Yu: Strongest warriors, eh? I guess that means me, Zhang Fei, and Lu Bu...

ImageSong Yong: Don't forget me! I'm Song Yong the Mighty!

ImageGuan Yu: Yes, yes, we get it, you're stupid. You can stop reminding us now.

ImageSong Yong: Come on, let me come! There's nothing to do around here.

ImageZhang Fei: Fine, whatever. But you better be able to hold your wine.

Later, at the bar...

ImageLu Bu: Hey, we're from Liu Bei's army and we're here to get drunk. Let us in.

ImageRebel Force: Right away, sir.

ImageGuan Yu: We better keep our eyes open while we're here. Who knows what kind of plots are forming in this place?

ImageSong Yong: Think I'll listen in...

ImageImageJames and Xiahou Mao: Let's let Pikachu take over the forums!

ImageImageLady Wu and Starscream: Let's hype up an obscure RTK game series and tantalize the forum with pretty photos!

ImageLord Yuan Shu: Let's use this opportunity to promote my website! Join now and get 50% more ultimate happiness!

ImageSong Yong: Wow, these people are evil!

ImageZhang Fei: At least there aren't any other weirdos around here.

ImageZhao Yun: Strike a pose!

ImageLu Bu: What the hell? Who are you?

ImageZhao Yun: I'm Zhao Yun, professional long-haired prettyboy. Every true RPG has to have at least one.

ImageGuan Yu: Oh yeah, we've really been hurting for one of those. Want to join Liu Bei's army?

ImageZhao Yun: Sorry, man, but I am already serving someone: "Gong Sun Qian".

ImageLu Bu: Never heard of him.

ImageZhao Yun: And you never will again, because he has less screentime than the Emperor. I guess he's not very important.

ImageGongsun Zan: Let's see you hold back the barbarian hordes. Punks.

ImageLu Bu: Why are you here then?

ImageZhao Yun: Yuan Shu said there'd be a party here, and I never turn down free wine.

ImageZhang Xun: You're all from Liu Bei's army, right? Good job on killing Dong Zhuo.

ImageSong Yong: Oh, it was nothing for men like me. Just a few swings and he gave up.

ImageZhang Fei: I will avoid killing Song Yong only if wine is forthcoming.

ImageZhang Xun: Here you go, wine for everyone. A toast, to Lord Yuan Shu!

ImageGuan Yu: You mean Lord Liu Bei, right?

ImageZhang Xun: I know what I said.

Everyone drinks.

ImageSong Yong: Hey, this is pretty good. Tastes kinda familiar, though.

ImageLu Bu: You drink wine every day of your life. Why wouldn't it taste familiar?

ImageSong Yong: No, I mean, it has kind of an exotic flavor...

ImageLu Bu: You know, come to think of it, there is something strange about it.

ImageSong Yong: Hey Lu Bu, did you just grow a beard? Uh oh...I think I know what's going on here.

ImageGuan Yu: Everything's getting fuzzy...

ImageZhang Fei: My head hurts...

Liu Bei's army passes out.

ImageZhang Xun: The plan worked! Where does Lord Yuan Shu come up with such brilliant plots?

ImageLord Yuan Shu: Hey barkeep! Get me another drink.

ImageZhang Xun: Oh, that's right.

Later, back at Chang An...

ImageLiu Bei: What's taking them so long? I have a lot of menial tasks that need doing, and they're not getting out of it over wine.

ImageRebel Force: Sir, this letter just came from Yuan Shu.

ImageLiu Bei: Really? Let me see that......well, this can't be good. Bring in Song Ren and Huo Hu right away.

ImageRebel Force: Yes sir. *leaves*

ImageImageSong Ren and Huo Hu: You wanted us, Boss?

ImageLiu Bei: Bad news, men.

ImageSong Ren: What's the problem?

ImageLiu Bei: Guan Yu and Zhang Fei have been kidnapped by rebels. Are you bad enough dudes to save them?

ImageImageSong Ren and Huo Hu:....

more to come...
"You have attacked us before, and we survived! You cannot defeat us. Submit!"
"We have. You did. We can. No."
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Unread postby Ricky » Tue Jun 12, 2007 9:34 pm

That was so funny!! :lol: I think its great to say that Taishi Ci is the funniest in SoSZ! Im gonna read it 20 more times. That James and Xiahou Mao.
Last edited by Ricky on Tue Jun 12, 2007 11:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
First upload.
All hail to the lord!

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Unread postby Adam » Tue Jun 12, 2007 9:42 pm

That does sound exactly like Lordyuanshu. :P
Entertaining yet not enough to placate me.
Mooooooorrrrrreeeeeeeee! Personal life is irrelevant, work is irrelevant.
The Gods demand it.
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Unread postby Lordyuanshu » Tue Jun 12, 2007 10:14 pm

Really long episodes like that are the best. Keep it up my friend.
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Unread postby ZhugeLiangVN » Wed Jun 13, 2007 1:12 pm

Haha, lordyuanshu in story, that's funny :lol:
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Unread postby Perhong_Angtong » Wed Jun 13, 2007 10:17 pm

Wow! More cameo stories!!! Can't wait for next update!
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Unread postby Taishi Ci 2.0 » Mon Jun 18, 2007 3:17 am

Destiny of an Emperor Parody: Part 16
---
ImageLiu Bei: Alright, Yuan Shu has kidnapped my best warriors. Oh, and Song Yong too.

ImageSong Ren: Like anyone cares about him.

ImageLiu Bei: I need you guys to go find out where he took them, and also to start conquering his castles.

ImageHuo Hu: But my lord, we're just tacticians. You don't expect us to conquer all of Yuan Shu's castles by ourselves, do you?

ImageLiu Bei: Don't worry, I already thought of that. So with that in mind, I hired some generals from this area to help you out.

ImageSong Ren: And they are?

ImageYang Jin: Ahoy there, mates!

ImageWang Gui: Cheerio, old chaps!

ImageSong Ren: You can't be serious. One of them thinks he's a pirate and the other one...well, I don't know who he is, but I don't like his voice.

ImageWang Gui: I say, not a very nice thing to tell a fellow you just met. It's not proper.

ImageHuo Hu: Where are you supposed to be from, Korea?

ImageWang Gui: Hong Kong, mate.

ImageLiu Bei: Look, our budget's low and these were the best guys I could come up with. You're working with them whether you like it or not.

ImageSong Ren: So what exactly are we going to use the dynamic duo here for?

ImageLiu Bei: I want you to take Yang Jin and go to the tavern that Guan Yu and the others went to, so you can find out what happened to them. At the same time, Huo Hu is going to take Wang Gui south to Yuan castle and capture it.

ImageSong Ren: Why do I have to take the pirate?

ImageYang Jin: Arr, 'tis cause Wang Gui talks funny. None of the landlubbers would understand him.

ImageSong Ren: And yet they would know exactly what you're saying, how?

ImageYang Jin:...you be missing the point.

ImageLiu Bei: Quit arguing, and get out there and follow my orders. You don't have all day.

ImageHuo Hu: My lord, what are you going to do in the meantime?

ImageLiu Bei: I'm going to go try and rebuild the capital, since you men were so effective in saving it from being destroyed.

ImageImageSong Ren and Huo Hu: Yeah, our bad.

Meanwhile, in an undisclosed location...

ImageZhang Fei: Damn, my head...where are we?

ImageLu Bu: I would guess some kind of undisclosed location, but that's just me talking.

ImageZhang Xun: I see you finally woke up. That powder's pretty potent stuff, I guess.

ImageGuan Yu: What's this about powder?

ImageZhang Xun: Oh, that. We invited you to the tavern and then laced your drinks with some powder we got from Yuan Shao. Knocked you right out.

ImageGuan Yu: Considering what kind of person Yuan Shu is, we really should have seen that coming.

ImageZhang Xun: Too bad you didn't, though. And now that you're captured, Lord Yuan Shu should have no problem conquering Liu Bei and ruling the land. Have fun in there. *leaves*

ImageGuan Yu: That's another person I'm going to have to add to my Murdering List...

ImageSong Yong: Well I've learned my lesson. From now on, no more wine.

ImageZhang Fei: Forget the wine, you idiot. We need to find a way out of here.

ImageLu Bu: These walls don't look very strong. I bet I could knock one of them down if I tried.

ImageGuan Yu: With what, your head?

ImageLu Bu: It hasn't failed me yet!

ImageGuan Yu: I guess it depends on what you mean by that...

ImageSong Yong: I have an idea! What if we tried to break the bars by tapping the up button every half-second until they break?

ImageImageImageGuan Yu, Zhang Fei, and Lu Bu:.....

ImageZhang Fei: Lu Bu, I think I better help you with that headbutting.

ImageSong Yong: Oh, you guys are no fun...

At Yuan Shu's tavern...

ImageSong Ren: We're going to make this simple. We walk in, we ask about Guan Yu and Zhang Fei, then we leave. No drinking, ok?

ImageYang Jin: Have they got any rum?

ImageGuan Ping: I don't think they've invented that yet.

ImageYang Jin: Well then, worry not, mates. I am an excellent negotiator when sober.

ImageSong Ren: Of course you are. Now go sit in the corner while Guan Ping and I talk to people.

ImageYang Jin: No respect for Yang Jin, eh? I'll make you walk the plank if you speak to me that way again.

ImageSong Ren: Ok, first of all, the ocean is nowhere near here. How would you kick us overboard? Plus you don't even have a ship.

ImageGuan Ping: Maybe he has a flying ship?

ImageSong Ren: What, like an airship? What kind of stupid idea is that?

ImageImageImageImageImageCids:...*cry*

ImageGuan Ping: I think we're getting distracted. Let's go talk to someone.

ImageSong Ren: We need to think: what would Guan Yu and Zhang Fei be doing in a tavern?

ImageGuan Ping: I would assume getting drunk.

ImageSong Ren: Then let's talk to the bartender. Hey barkeep, come here for a second.

ImageBarkeep: Can I help you?

ImageGuan Ping: Have you seen anyone in here with an unusually large beard?

ImageBarkeep: Hmmmm.....

ImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImage

ImageBarkeep: You might want to narrow it down a little there.

ImageSong Ren: We're looking for a tall guy with an oversized beard, a burly-looking guy with a headband, and another guy with light-colored hair.

ImageYang Jin: Don't forget Song Yong, arrr.

ImageBarkeep: Sorry, haven't seen any...wait, you said Song Yong? I've seen him here.

ImageGuan Ping: Do you know him?

ImageBarkeep: Aye, he's got a very large tab at all the local bars.

ImageSong Ren: Why am I not surprised? Nevermind, where did you see him?

ImageBarkeep: He was talking to some fellows in the corner when they all passed out, or something. Then they got dragged out of here by someone.

ImageSong Ren: Do you know where they went?

ImageBarkeep: Well, I think Zhang Xun was the guy who dragged them out, so I'd guess they went to Huai Nan castle.

ImageGuan Ping: Guess that's where we need to go then. Thanks for the info.

ImageBarkeep: If you manage to find Song Yong, I don't suppose you could get the money he owes, could you?

ImageSong Ren: We can't promise you anything.

Meanwhile, outside Yuan castle...

ImageHuo Hu: Ok, from what I've been told, we're just going to sit here and wait here for the enemy.

ImageWang Gui: Err, wait for the enemy to do what?

ImageMi Zhe: What usually happens is, we just walk up to the gates, and the enemy army comes out and fights us.

ImageWang Gui: Well that sounds like a bloody foolish plan. What kind of moron thinks up these tactics?

ImageLiu Feng: Look, I don't know how you do it in Korea, but we have a book on strategy here that tells us how to fight our wars.

ImageWang Gui: I'm from Hong Kong, not Korea! And have you blokes even read this book?

ImageLiu Feng:...the point is that we have one.

ImageChen Deng: Shut up, I can see the enemy coming this way.

ImageImageChen Ji and Lei Bo: It's Liu Bei's army!

ImageHuo Hu: Hey, we're here to kill you. Prepare to meet your doom, or whatever you kids say these days.

ImageChen Ji: Thank Heaven you're here! We've been waiting for you.

ImageChen Deng: You...you have?

ImageLei Bo: It's been horrible guarding this castle. Yuan Shu took away all the pretty-looking girls in town.

ImageChen Ji: Not to mention he confiscated all the powder we had stored here.

ImageImageChen Ji and Lei Bo: We need our hookers and blow!

ImageHuo Hu: Calm down. I happen to have a large stash of powder with me.

ImageLiu Feng: Can't help you with the women, though.

ImageLei Bo: Look, just promise us you'll get the women back and we'll surrender the castle.

ImageMi Zhe: Do we still get to beat you up?

ImageImageChen Ji and Lei Bo: No.

ImageLiu Feng: See, Wang Gui? This is part of the strategy of the Art of War: to win without fighting.

ImageHuo Hu: I am not sure this situation is what Sun Tzu had in mind...

more to come...
"You have attacked us before, and we survived! You cannot defeat us. Submit!"
"We have. You did. We can. No."
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Unread postby Ricky » Mon Jun 18, 2007 3:33 am

Coke and hookers, that was still funny! :lol:
First upload.
All hail to the lord!

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