Fate of a Rebel/Parody of the Three Kingdoms

[Taishi Ci 2.0]

Chapter 4: Cao Cao and Loyalty, Chen Gong and Betrayal

In previous chapters, it was told that Cao Cao had failed in his plot to assassinate Dong Zhuo and fled the capital. Dong Zhuo began putting up wanted posters demanding Cao Cao's head. His crimes were listed as Attempted Assassination of the Prime Minister, Theft of Imperial Property, and Being Sexier than Dong Zhuo.

Cao Cao was fleeing to his home country, but he stopped in a certain town to steal some candy from a small child. The local guards recognized him and captured him, bringing him before the Magistrate of that area. When asked his name, he responded that he was an honest merchant named Sum Gai.

"But when I was in the capital, I knew you as Cao Cao," replied the Magistrate. "Why do you try to fool me?" He locked Cao Cao in a cell.

Later that night, the Magistrate had Cao Cao brought to his room. He asked him, "Why did you betray the Prime Minister?"

"He took my job!" shouted Cao Cao, shaking his fist angrily.

"...but you're not the Prime Minister yet," replied the Magistrate.

"Oh. Right. Well then, because he squanders the bounty of Han and holds the Emperor hostage. I failed to kill him this time, so I was going to return to my home country and call on the lords of the land to remove him from power."

The Magistrate released Cao Cao from his bonds and bowed to him. "My name is Chen Gong, and I only serve Dong Zhuo because the right master has not yet come along. Let us leave this place and return to your home."

"You will serve me then?" asked Cao Cao.

"Of course. Do you think I would serve a fool?" said Chen Gong.

---

Lu Bu sneezed loudly.

"What's the matter, Lu Bu?" asked Li Ru.

"Someone is talking about me again."

---

So the two left by cover of nightfall, and set out for Qiao. Three days later they began to become tired and sought a place to stay for the night. Cao Cao pointed to a path leading into the woods.

"Down that path lives Lu Boshe, my father's sworn brother. Let us seek shelter with him."

They went to the house, and Lu Boshe greeted them and let them in. Before long Lu Boshe said he did not have enough wine, so he left to get some. Cao Cao and Chen Gong retired to their rooms. Soon they heard the sounds of knives sharpining.

"You know, he is not my real uncle," said Cao Cao.

"I know. You told me already," said Chen Gong.

The two went to the doorway to listen. Presently they heard a voice saying, "Bind before killing, eh?"

"I know what's going on here," said Cao Cao. "Why did I not see it before? They're preparing a banquet for us, and in all the stories I've read, somebody dies at one of those. Let us make the first strike!"

They drew their swords and run out, slaying everyone in the house, eight people in all. Then they searched the house, and in the kitchen found a pig bound and ready to kill.

"You fool! Your half-baked scheme has cause us to kill innocent folks," said Chen Gong.

They quickly mounted their horses, and fled from the house. But Lu Boshe was traveling in the other direction with the new jugs of wine, and they met along the road. Lu Boshe was taken aback at seeing them leaving.

"You did not stay for dinner? Where are you going?"

"Wanted men dare not linger for long," replied Cao Cao.

Lu Boshe suddenly stuck out his arm in the other direction, shouting, "Look! who is that coming along the road?" Cao Cao, fearing that he had left one of the people at the house alive, fearfully turned his head to look. Then Lu Boshe dropped all his wine jugs but one, and threw that one at Cao Cao. It struck him in the head and he fell from the horse.

Shocked, Chen Gong asked, "What is this? Why did you hit him?"

"I am working for Dong Zhuo, and I wanted the reward from sending him in. I was going to kill him at my banquet, but this will suffice."

"But it is not right to fight your own family," protested Chen Gong.

Lu Boshe raised his sword high and declared, "Better for me to betray Cao Cao than for Cao Cao to betray me!"

Chen Gong drew his own sword, and the two battled until Chen Gong managed to slay Lu Boshe. Then Chen Gong took Cao Cao and traveled with him to a nearby temple. He left Cao Cao lying on the floor in front of the shrine.

"Cao Cao's in-laws are crazy. I'm staying the hell away from him," thought Chen Gong. So he took his steed and left Cao Cao at the temple.

Cao Cao's further actions will be discussed in later chapters.

[Taishi Ci 2.0]

Thought I'd work on this too.

Destiny of an Emperor Parody: Part 1
---

Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei: Although we were born on different days, we hope to die in the same hour of the same day of the same year. On our very souls, we pledge that this will be true.

Zhang Fei: So, do this make us Super Best Friends now?

Liu Bei's Mom: Alright you punks, get out of my house. A bunch of rebels are running around causing trouble, and you need to make something of yourself, so go kill them all. Don't come back until your house is bigger than mine.

Liu Bei: Hey guys, guess what? We're going to go end the Yellow Turban Rebellion!

Guan Yu: That sounds like a good time. I suppose your mother gave us everything we need to start a war?

Liu Bei: Hmmm...looks like all we have is three Flails, two Robes, and a Dagger. That sounds like enough. Let's go save the Han!

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei: .......

Liu Bei: What's the matter, guys?

Guan Yu: Look, we're not going to be saving anything if that's all we've got. I mean, to even stand a chance, we'd need a wealthy merchant willing to spend all their money on soldiers and a couple of bottom-of-the-barrel officers with nothing to lose.

Zhang Shi Ping: Hi! I'm a wealthy merchant willing to spend all my money on soldiers!

Song Yong and Song Ren: Hi! We're a couple of bottom-of-the-barrel officers with nothing to lose!

Liu Bei: You were saying?

Guan Yu: I hate you so much.

After some shopping and equipping, the brothers and their ragtag army leave town to march to Xuzhou. When suddenly...

Rebel Force: Hey, we're going to attack you now. Prepare to die.

Zhang Fei: Oh great, enemies already. I'm sure we'll never see these guys again.

Liu Bei and co. slowly defeat some of the Rebel Forces.

Liu Bei: Isn't there a faster way to do this? Like, I dunno, some kind of all-out attack?

Song Yong and Song Ren: You mean something that would make the battles go by quicker? No such thing.

Liu Bei and his army reach Xuzhou, and proceed to steal everything from people's houses that could possibly be used. One of these people actually speaks to Liu Bei.

Mi Zhe: Is there a reason you're stealing my stuff?

Liu Bei: We need it in order to fight the Yellow Turbans. Want to join our army?

Mi Zhe: Oh sure, I was tired of living anyway.

Liu Bei goes to meet Tao Qian, the ruler of Xuzhou.

Tao Qian: Ah, Liu Bei. I hear you want to defeat the Yellow Turbans. I have tried for many years to do so, but I fear I am becoming too old.

Liu Bei: But the Yellow Turbans have only been around for a few months or so.

Tao Qian:....quiet, you. Anyway, if you manage to defeat them, I will give you my castle.

Zhang Fei: You're just an old man. What's stopping us from killing you right now and taking the castle ourselves?

Tao Qian: Er...because, then you would not be fufilling the DESTINY OF AN EMPEROR.

Liu Bei: Ooh, that sounds important. We should do what he says.

Zhang Fei: Wait, what? No. You haven't explained anything. You can't just say random things like that and expect--

Tao Qian: Or I could just send the guards after you.

Guan Yu: That works for me.

Liu Bei's army marches north to liberate Qingzhou from the Yellow Turbans.

more to come...

[Adam]

I love the added touch of their potraits, you sir are mildly intelligent to say the least!

[dirtybird]

Nice portraits.

[Taishi Ci 2.0]

Chapter 5: The Governers Assemble for a Coalition; Dong Zhuo Prepares for a Battle

When Cao Cao awoke, he missed Chen Gong, and thought, "He has left because he feared my family. I ought to move on to my home." So he left the temple and finished his journey to Qiao.

Cao Cao met with his father and told him of his plan to sell all the family treasures and enlist men to battle Dong Zhuo. Cao Cao's father informed him that although they were poor, he had a friend named Wei Hong who was wealthy and might support such a plot.

Wei Hong was invited to Cao Cao's house, and they ate and passed around the wine. Then Cao Cao began serious, and asked Wei Hong for his money in order to fund an army.

"Lord Wei Hong, if you do not support us, then we will fail, and then one day Dong Zhuo will burn everything you own, torture your family, and hang your head on a pike. Surely you cannot refuse?"

"Surely you jest," responded Wei Hong. "I have done Dong Zhuo no wrong, nor has he done anything to me, and it is wrong to oppose the Prime Minister. I must not condone your army."

Cao Cao pondered at this, before slowly saying, "Lord Wei Hong, if you do not support us, I will burn everything you own, torture your family, and hang your head on a pike."

"Suddenly I am convinced. You are a very persuasive man, Lord Cao Cao," said Wei Hong.

With Wei Hong's funding, Cao Cao began sending out requests for men, promising free wine for everyone, and recruits quickly joined his cause. Some officers, Yue Jin and Li Dian by name, arrived as well, and they became part of Cao Cao's staff. Later, Cao Cao's relatives, Xiahou Dun and Xiahou Yuan, came as well, and they were also given vital posts. Last to arrive were Cao Cao's cousins, Cao Ren and Cao Hong. These two were ordered to protect the wine and make sure only Cao Cao had access to it, and were therefore in the most dangerous posts.

Yuan Shao learned of Cao Cao's army, and he set out from Bohai with his troops to join the army. Other governers also heard of the call, and they joined as well.

When the leaders were gathered, Cao Cao said to them, "We have gathered here today to oppose Kong Wen and save James. Wait, no, I mean oppose Dong Zhuo and save the Han. Yet we must gather behind a Grand Commander if we are to succeed. Who to choose? Each of us is a worthy leader..." he paused, looking at Han Fu. "...most of us are worthy leaders..." Cao Cao paused again as he saw Kong Zhou. Cao Cao sighed, saying,"Ok, look, everyone just line up and we'll draw straws."

The rulers lined up against the wall, and each drew a straw from Cao Cao. It happened that Yuan Shao drew the short straw, so he was declared Grand Commander despite his wishes. Yuan Shao's first act was to appoint his brother Yuan Shu as Chief of the Commissariat, to ensure that at least he would be supplied with plenty of wine. Next he asked who would lead the van in the attack on Si Shui Guan.

The Governer of Changsha, Sun Jian, felt that he had not been getting enough screentime in this story, so he offered to go and was approved by Yuan Shao. He and his troops set out to Si Shui Guan and laid seige to Si Shui Guan.

A messenger was sent to Luo Yang to inform Dong Zhuo. Li Ru became worried by this development, and quickly assembled a meeting. Dong Zhuo was at first disposed to retreat from the capital. But Lu Bu stood up and said, "Do not fear, my father. I look upon all the lords beyond the Pass as so much stubble. And with the warriors of our fierce army, I will put everyone of them to death and hang their heads at the gates of the capital!"

Dong Zhuo was reassured, and was about to send Lu Bu when another man spoke up. "Lu Bu is not needed for such an easy mission. I, Hua Xiong will knock them all down!"*

Dong Zhuo was pleased, and agreed to send Hua Xiong. Li Ru met with Hua Xiong, telling him, "The Coalition is still weak and unorganized, and perhaps you can break them up with a few simple words. Here is a speech I have written to befuddle their ranks, and I pray you use it to avoid a battle." Hua Xiong consented to this plot, and left with the speech for Si Shui Guan.

Sun Jian had set up camp in front of the Pass. Soon one of his messengers told him that a new general had arrived to defend the pass, and was even now on the ramparts. Sun Jian rode out to see him, and railed at the warrior, taunting him to come down and give battle. Hua Xiong deduced that this man was the leader of the van, so he pulled out Li Ru's speech and loudly began to read it.

[Note: the original fragment of the story has been lost to time. Using clues from other accounts, a latter historian has attempted to convey the contents of the speech.]

Hua Xiong shouted, "How are you, gentlemen? All your Han are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction."

"What you say?" asked Sun Jian.

"You have no chance to survive make your time. HaHaHa!"

Sun Jian raised his sword and proclaimed, "For great justice!"

[Note: the original story continues here]

Sun Jian's troops attacked the gate, but they were repelled by the archers atop it, and so had to pull back. Yuan Shu had failed to supply them, so they abandoned their camp and returned to the Coalition headquarters. While Sun Jian had been gone, Yuan Shao noticed three unusual men standing behind Gongsun Zan. So he asked him, "Lord Gongsun Zan, who is that tall man with the long beard?"

Gongsun Zan replied, "He is Guan Yu, a fierce warrior who is worthy of serving me."

Yuan Shao said, "Ah, very good. And the strong man with a face like a leopards?"

Gongsun boasted, "He is Zhang Fei, a fighter worth ten of Dong Zhuo's best soldiers."

Yuan Shao continued, "Most excellent. And the strange-looking fellow, with the long ears?"

"Oh, him? He's just my personal grass mat and straw sandal supplier, no one of any importance. Pay him no mind."

Sun Jian suddenly returned, saying that Hua Xiong had followed him back and was challenging anyone who would fight to a duel. Several unimportant officers were sent to fight him, in order to fufill the chapter's death quota, but neither could defeat him. Yuan Shao was on the point of despair when someone proclaimed, "I will go, take Hua Xiong's head, and lay it before you here!"

Who was the speaker? The next chapter will tell all.

*I hope everyone gets this joke.

[dirtybird]

My friend, the more i read your posted chapters, the more i enjoy them.

[Lordyuanshu]

Haha you didn't tell me you did a DoaE parody, Taishi.

That is brilliant, including stalwart Han generals like Song Yong and Song Ren.

[Taishi Ci 2.0]

Destiny of an Emperor Parody: Part 2
---

Liu Bei reaches Qingzhou castle.

Zhang Liang: Ha, ha, ha. You insolent fool. You think you can threaten us with such a small force? We'll crush you in one breath.

Liu Bei: Alright guys, let's do this the way we planned. Me, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei will attack, while Mi Zhe and Song Ren use Lian Huo.

Mi Zhe: But boss, we don't know Lian Huo yet.

Liu Bei: What? Why not?

Mi Zhe: We haven't leveled up yet. You only fought one battle.

Liu Bei: Oh. Ok, backup plan. We're going to form two teams. Team A will consist of me, Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, Mi Zhe, and Song Ren. Team B will be Song Yong. Now, Team B's job is to defeat all the enemies, while Team A stands over there relaxing. Everybody, go!

Song Yong:Hey now, I don't think--

Everybody: Good luck, Song Yong!

Song Yong: Well damn.

Song Yong manages to kill all of the enemies, but passes out from stress.

Zhang Fei: Wow, he did it. Ok, Song Ren, find someplace to dump him while we loot the city.

Song Ren: Oh sure, make the generic officer do all the dirty work. I better find an inn or something. This fellow here looks helpful. Hey buddy, where's the inn?

Ma Yuan Yi: Hey, boy! I'm Ma Yuan Yi. If you are foolish enough to attack the Yellow Scarves, you will find your impertinence very costly. Go ahead! Attack!

Song Ren: No one said anything about attacking. I just want to find the inn.

Ma Yuan Yi: You're...you're not going to attack me?

Song Ren: No. No I'm not.

Ma Yuan Yi: Not even a punch?

Song Ren: Ok, fine. If you don't tell me where the inn is, then I will beat you up harder than if you do tell me. How's that?

Ma Yuan Yi shows him where the inn is. Song Ren throws a single weak punch.

Ma Yuan Yi: I admit, you have bested me. Let me live and I will give you some information. Go south-west and you will find Mt. Da Xing, the citadel of the Yellow Scarves. Zhang Bao and his rebels are there.

Song Ren: Um...thanks? I didn't really need to know anything except where the inn is.

Meanwhile...

Zhang Fei: Hey, another house to rob. Time to check the pots!

Chen Gui: Look, Chen Deng, they defeated the Yellow Turbans here. They must be looking out for the people.

Chen Deng: And the fact that they're robbing everyone in town blind does nothing to prove otherwise to you?

Chen Gui: Nope. In fact, I think you should join them.

Liu Bei: Hrmm? Someone wants to join us?

Chen Deng: No, no one like that around here.

Chen Gui: Ahem...I hear you are raising troops to destroy the Yellow Scarves. My son Chen Deng is a martial arts master--

Chen Deng: Except, you know, not, since I am clearly a mage of some type.

Chen Gui:...Allow him to join you and you will never regret it.

Liu Bei: You bet he can join!

Liu Bei pulls out a long list and makes a mark on it near the top.

Liu Bei: That's four generals down, and only 147 more to go! Gotta recuit them all!

Chen Deng: My Heaven. I think I'm going to kill myself.

Mi Zhe: Get in line.

Everyone regroups at the inn.

Liu Bei: Ok men, what's our next plan?

Guan Yu: I found some bits of string. I thought we might occupy ourselves with that.

Song Ren: Some crazy guy told me where the rest of the Yellow Turbans are. Maybe we should go kill them.

Liu Bei: Let's take a vote. What do you guys want to do?

Zhang Fei: Bits of string!

Others: Kill the Turbans!

Zhang Fei: You guys are no fun, you know that?

Liu Bei: Turbans it is. Wake up Song Yong and we'll move out. Now, Song Ren, which way is Mt. Da Xing?

Song Ren: Eh? Oh, I, uh, forgot to write it down. But come on, it's a mountain. How hard can it be to find one of those?

Several hours later...



Everyone: DAMN IT SONG REN!

more to come...

[ZhugeLiangVN]

Excellent, my dear .

[Baiko Arashi]

haha i love it