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Adam's ramblings and writings and other lame stuff

Unread postPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 6:59 am
by Adam
Ooo, that sounds lame. :P

Thought I'd shove some rough drafts of some of my work up here, so everyon can tell me how bad they are :P

First, yes I do realize I haven't got a lot of detail, and some of the stuff needs to be re-worded, any advice would be appreciated.

The smell of death hung heavily in the air as the fire smoldered in the distance from the two men.

One was tall and thin, the other short and fat. Both wore dark black cloaks and robes that made them disappear into the shadows.

The tall man had a big grin upon his face as he watched the fire blaze in the distance, "It is done." he said matter-of-factly.

The short man responded with a curt nod, and turned away from the blaze. He muttered a few words, and made a gesture with his hand.

A bright blue oval appeared in front of him, and he stepped eagerly through it.

The tall man continued to watch the blaze for a moment longer, then followed his companion, through the portal, a small piece of paper fluttering to the ground behind him.

After the portal disappeared, a small bird flew down from his perch upon a nearby tree, and picked up the piece of paper in it's beak, and flew off towards the fire, which now seemed to be a lot smaller than a moment before.

My main problem seems to be figuring out how to go about giving peoples names.
Depending on what you read, people aren't introduced until someone in the scene calls them by their name. Other times the writer just puts the name in almost immediately.
And the last line is a bit crappy too.

Unread postPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 7:02 am
by Adam
And one more of the better ones :P


The forest was filled with a very thick fog, and a chill wind blew through the trees.

A man in a dark green surcoat, and purple robe, moved silently through the trees and bushes, a pair or katanas in his hands.

"Great, they never live in a nice warm house, always somewhere cold and dank," he muttered to himself, "And always foggy."

A loud snap sounded a few feet to his right, and he twisted himself around, bringing up his left arm just in time to block a large talon coming towards his head.

He darted backwards, into a small clearing, and set his feet to defend himself (yes, that's kinda a crappy line, I'll fix it eventually :P).

A large beast came out of the trees towards him, it's head that of a bull, but it's body completely human, except for it's exceptional mass, and sharp talons where it's hands should be.

"Great, they sent me after one of these?!" he groaned, "I'm going to have to ask for more gold."

The beast darted towards him, much faster than one would expect from a being of it's size, but he was prepared, and darted to the side just before it reached him.

It twisted itself around quickly, but the man scored a slash on it's side before it could defend itself.

The beast let out a horrendous yell, so loud the man dropped his katanas to cover his now bleeding ears.

Again naming problems, and the same detail issues from the above.
I think I was better at this when I was about 16, which is kinda scary.

Unread postPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 7:03 am
by Adam
I just sorta came up with this one.
Doesn't really fit anything I'm working on at all, but I figure it falls under the meaningless part :P

The road was crammed with bodies, various carrion birds ripping at their bodies, searching for something edible.

A large contingent of men were camped about a mile off the road, most badly burned, and others bleeding from various cuts on their bodies.

Next to the camp lay an enormous body, it's wings splayed out, and it's head resting upon it's talons. With each breath, a small plume of smoke escaped it's nose.

In the center of the camp three men stood in full armor, black sashes across their chests.

"He killed 200 of our own men!" the smallest of the three yelled.

"Yes, but we won!" one of the others said.

"It was worth the price," the last man said, rapping his fingers against his plumed helmet, "We would never have beaten two thousand men without the drake."

"Two thousand? Half of them were civilia-" he stopped speaking, and began gurgling blood instead.

A long dagger stuck out the front of his neck, "Do shut up." the first man responded with a laugh.

They are intended as Prologues, not parts of the full book (hahahahaha :lol: ), which is why they end so quickly.

Unread postPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 7:39 am
by Adam
OK, this is the one I actually have attached to my writing right now, I gotta retype it cause my stupid laptop won't acknowledge my damned detachable floppy drive.

The smell of ash filled the air, and all around the village people were rushing back and forth trying to gather water toput out the fire in the distance.

A large tower was ablaze in the center of town , the flames getting dangerously close to many homes.

Two men stood near a small pond on the edge of town, watching the fire intently from under their black hooded cloaks. One was much taller than the other, and carried himself in a regal manner. The other was by no means smaller, his cloak barely covered his pudgy frame, and long hawklike nose protruded from his hood.

"Do you think we've stopped them finally, Arthur?" the pudgy man asked.

Arthur chuckled at first, and then built it into a manical laugh, "No," he said when he finally caught his breath, "but we have slowed them down, Merlak."

Merlak snorted in disgust, "That was quite a powerful spell I used, I think you underestimate my abilities."

"And you clearly underestimate theirs," Arthur retorted.

Merlak snorted again, and made gesture with his left hand, causing a bright flash, as a portal popped into exsistance before them.

A startled gasp stopped them from entering. Both men turned to their right and saw a young boy standing a few feet away, a bucket laying at his feet.

"Damn," Arthur muttered, "You know what to do."

Merlak gestured at the boy and uttered an incantation, a small bolt of energy flew from the air in front of him and struck the boy in the chest. The boy fell to the ground, a smoking hole in his chest.

"Let us begone from here," Arthur ordered, a look of irritation crossing his face briefly.

Both men entered the portal, and it closed behind them.

Yes, it's similar to the first one, but slightly better on certain levels, which is why I used it instead.


Unread postPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 10:50 am
by Adam
The Smell of...oh wait I've used that 5758239349 times already :P

Clouds of dust followed closely behind two men as they walked down the hallway. The walls around them were charred so badly it was impossible to tell what they had been made from, and the floors were covered in a thick layer of dust and ash.

"It smells like death in here," one of the men commented.

"Yes, Jules, that's because of all the people who DIED in here," the other man responded.

"Oh, come now Argon, I was merely making a joke," Jules retorted a grin on his face.

"A joke?" Argon asked, stopping abruptly, "Our friends dying is a joke?"

Jules kept walking, only turning slightly to look at Argon and say, "You've gotten a bit too serious of late."

Argon merely sighed and continued down the hall after him, shaking his head in frustration.

(here's a problem, transitions)

They entered a large room filled with many people bustling about (ARGH!!), in the center of the room, hanging over a large wooden table was a banner, emblazoned upon it was a square, divided diagonally, half green, half purple. The banner was the only thing in the room that was completely clean.

"Ah, Linzi," Argon said, noticing a woman standing just inside the entryway, "What's the report (ughgh)?"

Linzi turned around, her face covered completely in ash, as well as her clothing.

Blegh, writers block, sorry

Note: The characters were named a looooonnnngggg time ago :P

OK, that's a short beginning for it, after the prologue (one of the above, not the drake one though), feel free to tell me how sucky it is :P

Unread postPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 12:13 pm
by Adam
OK, my damned free MSoffice thing has run out, and I refuse to use notepad!

"Well, it seems someone launched an incredibly powerful magical attack upon the tower," Argon looked at her annoyance in his eyes(bleh), "The entire training room was caved in. I was training a number of the new watchmen when the walls began to crumble around us. Only me and another made it out, Kal is upstairs with him now."

Argon sighed wearily, "What of the labratory?"

"It seems the shielding spells held, although they were drained quite significantly," a tall thin man said, walking up to the group (ack), "It was quite a powerful spell, I had two of my most powerful apprentices, as well as Connor and Kal power it up (ok ok, that is the worst phrase so far, but my mind is blanking)."

OK, severe writers block now
And no, I'm not gonna post the whole damn thing here, just looking for some criticisms :P
You suck, stop writing is acceptable people

Unread postPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 12:56 pm
by MarvelousLingTong!!!!!!
That was way to much for me to read this early in the morning, but they seemed pretty interesting the couple that I read that is. What are these excerpts from stories you wrote or something? It looks like you might have a little bit of talent for writing 8-) . I liked the one about the samurai that was pretty good.

Unread postPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 3:00 pm
by Adam
Well, sadly at the moment they're pretty much the whole story :oops:
I still gotta get up the energy to get my old story from my old computer, got that one up to 150 pages before it died.
Me memory isn't quite good enough to recall any of that though.
I do, however, recall naming one of the villains after something I saw on a plate :P
Edit: And if anyone has a problem with the Green and Purple thing, too damn bad!
That was my old UO guild colors, and I kinda based the whole guild on that. The guy who used to run the guild got killed in the line of duty while working for the FBI, so I refuse to change that at all.

Edit: Well I will take the lack of responses as "Wow, your work is brilliant, you should continue doing it til the end of time, you genious!".
I could view another way, but I choose to view it this way!

Unread postPosted: Sat Sep 16, 2006 5:54 am
by Adam
"More more!"
Oh well thank you for asking everyone! :P

The beast took the opportunity to swipe his talons at the face of the man, slicing open his cheek, and dropping him to the ground.

The man reached for his weapon, which was laying a few feet away, but the beat slammed one of it's enormous feet down upon his hand, creating a loud crunch as many of the bones in his wrist were shattered.

The man merely grinned at the beast, who seemed a bit taken aback by the response.

That pause was enough time for the man to whip his other arm around, katana somehow in his hand, to sever the beasts leg at the knee.

Edit: Hmm got a little angry there at the end.....I wonder why.....

Unread postPosted: Sat Sep 16, 2006 6:06 am
by MarvelousLingTong!!!!!!
Good job you did more of the one story that I liked best. if there is more to that please post it.