Adam's ramblings and writings and other lame stuff

Fan art, illustrations, poetry, music, photography, and more.

Which do you prefer?

Happy Ending
5
56%
Unhappy ending
4
44%
 
Total votes : 9

Unread postby Adam » Wed Nov 08, 2006 8:29 am

Chapter 4, again, but different, better, newer, faster
:P
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<I>Removed due to copyrights</I>
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And if anyone has a better name than Ragnor, that'd be helpful, I was looking at a copy of Dragon Warrior 4 when I named him, :P
Last edited by Adam on Fri Apr 06, 2007 4:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
Adam
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Unread postby Adam » Fri Nov 10, 2006 9:51 am

Bleh, small portion of Chapter 6, I almost died right here cause I couldn't figure anything out, thank the gods for girls from Australia :P
Thanks go to Ashleigh for the inspiration, yet again.
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<I>Removed due to copyrights</I>
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Uhh and yes I realize I have changed the term from "humanoids" to "bots"
I dunno why, maybe easier to type. :P
Last edited by Adam on Fri Apr 06, 2007 4:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
Adam
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Unread postby Adam » Wed Nov 15, 2006 6:44 pm

Chapter 7, I think, but maybe not?
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<I>Removed due to copyrights</I>

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It blows, I know. :P
Last edited by Adam on Fri Apr 06, 2007 4:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
Adam
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Unread postby Adam » Sun Nov 19, 2006 2:30 am

OK, some of Chapter 12, it's rough as hell, but still.
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<I>Removed due to copyrights</I>
Last edited by Adam on Fri Apr 06, 2007 4:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
Adam
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Unread postby Scorpio » Sun Nov 19, 2006 3:16 am

yyeeaah, sorry 'bout that..err..this? dunno what happened here. a double post i guess, but one decided, this one decided, that it wanted to omit a sentence. so, how do you like all of my loveyl critisism? was it what you were looking for? i really do like your amazing ramblings. keep it up, and i'll keep the critisism coming. you have to promise to at least touch on anything i post though. im thinking about trying my hand at writing stories and such, and i'm sure it'll help if i have an experenced writer on my side.

much love(with me, love=respect and not much more)

--scorpio
Last edited by Scorpio on Sun Nov 19, 2006 3:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Unread postby Scorpio » Sun Nov 19, 2006 3:17 am

"each man pulled the triggers" is a bit rough...Perhaps, " Each man pulled his trigger and (grimaced/smiled) as the tiny balls of energy were expelled with furious velocity. Those seeming harmless projectiles were capable of xpanding untill they were the size of cannon balls."

The balls of energy flew unerringly towards their targets, all of them striking home, but each one hit a shielding spell and fizzled out.

i think that's a comma splice, but not sure..

targets, they reestablished -- i think you should consider either a period or a semicolon here

said nothing, suddenly they -- same thing

“Fire!” one of the other men yelled quickly, and they all pulled their triggers, but they had lost their targets and the balls of energy flew harmlessly into the grass.They threw down their weapons and picked up swords and looked about to see where their captain’s slayer was but saw nothing. The man who had taken charge turned back towards the others, and realized that they were all slowly falling to the ground themselves, metal spikes in various parts of their bodies.

“What?” he asked.

“This,” a voice replied calmly, and the guard felt a cold sensation at the base of his skull, and then felt no more. -- try a little more description. these guys just lost their captain! Let the scene play in your mind and describe it as you envision it.

all in all, it's good to me. just make sure you're not allowing the story to become dry because you're using words instead of pictures. as a writer you've got to work a little harder to get somebodies attention.

i can tell you really get into your writing. you just take a thought and run with it. that could be where all of your comma things come from. it's a great story though, and i'm looking foward to more!
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Unread postby Adam » Sun Nov 19, 2006 3:49 am

One of the issues with it is I haven't actually gone over it at all, save a quick spell check. It's more of a manuscript I'm working on then an actual full blown story.
As for the whole comma thing, I've always had a problem with commas (like in this sentence :P ), I constantly use them when there's no reason to. I usually figure it out once I've gone over it, but I'm trying to get through this thing before revising any of it.

Thanks for the criticism, I'll definitely keep an eye out for yer stuff. :D
Adam
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Posts: 3109
Joined: Thu Aug 10, 2006 11:38 pm
Location: Louisiana

Unread postby Scorpio » Sun Nov 19, 2006 4:03 am

please do go over it before you post! i read one of your revised paragraphs and was like WOW!
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Unread postby Adam » Sun Nov 19, 2006 7:24 am

Well, it'll be a week or more then, cause I want to get this all outta my brain before I start going over it. Gotta get it done by the end of the month, no matter how poorly written it is, then I'll go back over the entire thing (only 50 pages of it so far).
Adam
Scholar of Shen Zhou
 
Posts: 3109
Joined: Thu Aug 10, 2006 11:38 pm
Location: Louisiana

Unread postby Scorpio » Sun Nov 19, 2006 7:28 am

:cry: i can wait. people should get to see any art in all it's glory.
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