Are you a virgin?

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Are you a virgin?

Yes
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61%
No
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Total votes : 221

Re: Are you a virgin?

Unread postby Zyzyfer » Tue Nov 05, 2013 2:24 am

I am quite liberal when it comes to this topic, so unfortunately I can't totally empathize with you, Cao Hong 14. I also am not one of those members you have grown close to, but I'll give it a crack anyway. :mrgreen:

Cao Hong 14 wrote:I think it's just my young idealistic view of sex and that I want to lose my virginity to the girl I really like while she also loses hers.


Yes, it is this. You see one's virginity as a special characteristic. I have never been concerned with the virginal status of the women I've dated. I have been more concerned with their behavior and feelings regarding past lovers than I have about the actual past acts of copulation.

Can any of you give me some advice as to how to get over this?? I know it's immature and silly of me to be hung up on this, and I want to move past it and not care anymore. It's just easier said than done though, unfortunately.


Yeah and I halfway feel like an ass for responding since I don't really have clear-cut advice to offer. It's really up to you to come to terms with the situation you're in, work out what is most important to you, and then go with it.

More specifically, I would say that you might do well to give some serious thought to what is more important to you: your girlfriend, or your girlfriend's virginity? The way I see it, one is a living, breathing person who you care about, and who cares about you. The other is an abstract idea (to me, anyway). I understand that it is a powerful idea that carries some weight if you are coming from a religious background...but is it really more important than the person?

It might also help to think about what you would have done if you knew about this from the beginning? If you knew she had been with the guy and then she expressed interest in you, would you have avoided dating her because of that?

It's not the fact that she is more experienced than me that bothers me, it's the fact that she has already given up that special thing(virginity) to some other guy, some guy who could care less about her, and not me who cares more than the world for her. The part that makes it even worse is that I know the guy she lost it to and he is such a douche!! He is a total loser who makes shit grades, smokes weed like every day, and is notorious for getting behind the wheel while intoxicated. Not to mention he is a royal ass as a person and thinks he is hot shit. I don't know why someone like her would do something like that with him, they weren't even going out; and of course being the asshole that he is, after they have sex he never bothers to talk to her again and just left her hanging like that like it was just some hookup when I know she actually liked him at the time.


It concerns me that you're indirectly comparing yourself to the other guy. My advice is not to dwell on his faults. It will eventually lead to you questioning her value judgment in guys and such, and I don't think that will be healthy for you. Just forget about the guy, he's a jerkface, case closed.

Sorry for the rant. All of this was recent so there are still a lot of emotions going through me right now. I just feel so awful because I still care for her so much and I know it isn't fair for me to have these thoughts, but my emotions are just on a roller coaster right now and rational thought is taking the backseat for now. I understand that some of the female users on here might be upset with me for all of this but please try to understand and go easy on me.


Given the circumstances, I have a feeling that she was on a bit of a roller coaster ride of her own when she had to confess this to you. She has been with you for three years; I would say that she cherishes the relationship you two have. She got played by a jerkface years ago and got burned. Now she finds out that you have this noble opinion of the idea of virginity and she's probably thinking holy crap this is not good, he will think I am terrible or something.

Remember that she is just as emotionally invested in this situation as you are.

Final thoughts: Is it normal for me to be reacting the way I am about this? How to I get over these emotions and learn to deal with them?


Yes, it's normal. But you have to stop looking at her and the guy and the act, and instead look inward and balance your views on the concept of virginity. You've invested three years into a relationship, are you willing to give that up for this concept?

I know it seems easy for me to just tell you to do this and forget about things and whatnot. I had written up an anecdote about my own conflict with this issue, but took it down. Anyway, good luck with it.
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Re: Are you a virgin?

Unread postby Sun Fin » Tue Nov 05, 2013 10:58 am

Yes it is natural for you to feel like this, jealousy is a natural emotion, but not a healthy one.

I agree with much of what Zyzfer said above, you are in a relationship with the girl now, not the girl a few years ago who slept with the other guy. She clearly likes you a lot; she is in a fairly committed relationship with you.

There is no clear cut advice for someone who is feeling these emotions all you can do is try to confront your feelings. Two things seem to be coming up, insecurity about your own sexual prowess (you talked about her having more experience then you) and jealously (which is often born out of insecurity about how much she likes you) about her having had sex with someone else. I’m sorry if I’ve misread the situation but they seem to be your two base issues. How you chose to deal with them is up to you, certainly I can be no help in the first with no experience in that area and limited help in the second.
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Re: Are you a virgin?

Unread postby Shikanosuke » Tue Nov 05, 2013 1:56 pm

Cao Hong 14 wrote:
Final thoughts: Is it normal for me to be reacting the way I am about this? How to I get over these emotions and learn to deal with them?


Given your age and lack of experience its mostly natural to be reacting this way. But you need to get some perspective. Despite what has been said before, unless you plan to marry the girl you lose it to (and vice versa) virginity is not a commodity nor anything special. When you get out of the social context you're in now (high school yes?) and start dating in a few years it will be extremely rare to date a virgin or be one yourself (your choice). People grow up and have life experiences and leave them behind.

To be fair I'm not saying its ever going to stop being uncomfortable to talk about your partner's sexual history, but it becomes normal and therefore easy to accept that neither of you are the others first. When/if you and this girl breakup is it going to be fair the next girl is mad she's not your first? At that point both of you will likely be on equal footing.

Just my advice.
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Re: Are you a virgin?

Unread postby SunXia » Tue Nov 05, 2013 2:08 pm

She told me she wasn't a virgin and I told her I was. I told her I didn't care that she wasn't but in my head I secretly do care.
First mistake, you should not have lied to her!! I have been at the receiving end of this kind of lie and it made me throw something at the person and that something was a gift!! He thought it was ok to say that he had lied to me in the beginning but then realized how he had misjudged the situation!! If you like the girl respect her enough to discuss the issue!!

I think it's just my young idealistic view of sex and that I want to lose my virginity to the girl I really like while she also loses hers.

Well I'm idealistic about most things but the first time is always going to be crap and awkward!! There is no sense in putting more pressure on a situation that is already nerve-wrecking as it is!! Sex is a beautiful experience but it is something that people rarely get right the first time and even the first time with someone else!! The best way to approach the first time with someone is to be relaxed and open about feelings!! Putting to much pressure on yourself or her makes it uncomfortable and disappointing!!

I don't know why someone like her would do something like that with him, they weren't even going out; and of course being the asshole that he is, after they have sex he never bothers to talk to her again and just left her hanging like that like it was just some hookup when I know she actually liked him at the time.

See here's another error you are making, you are judging on her on the level of intelligence or goodness of a previous lover!! We all have that person we dated or kissed or slept with and look back and think "Oh dear heaven what did I see in him/her"!! In the end, you don't know how she felt at the time!! Teenage years are very difficult for girls, their bodies go through massive amounts of changes that have both physical, emotional and psychological effects!! Add hormones on top of all the changes and it can make a girl feel quite low about herself especially if she doesn't have the right support to deal with it ie - a loving mother or a big sister or an empathetic father/brother!! Add on top of it peer pressure or social pressure that can also lead to mistakes!! It's a very confusing during which a girl can feel very unattractive about herself and thus she can easily be very vulnerable to those type of guys like the sweet talkers or the bad boys or the exciting or someone who quite simply, at that moment in time, made her feel good about herself!! Of course on the social side there is also drink and alcohol that can add to a confused girls insecurities or it can quite simply cause someone to make a very silly mistake!!

In the end, you can't really judge a person on their past lovers or partners!! You may not like them but you do not know the full details of what transpired between them, you won't understand how she felt at that time and she can't change what happened!! If you don't openly address these issues with her then you are being dishonest with her and are avoiding closure on something that bothers you!! Both of these lead to resentment and will only cause problems later on!!

Finny is right, envy is natural but refusing the positively confront it or deal with it, it becomes unhealthy!! And lying in a relationship is never good!!
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Re: Are you a virgin?

Unread postby Boydie » Tue Nov 05, 2013 4:32 pm

Never a bad thing to learn from a woman with a bit of experience! :wink:

But seriously the advice you have been given is very very good, use it well. I'll like to highlight a previous point made by Zyzyfer about indirectly comparing yourself to the other guy. Big mistake, try not to do that in any relationship, you'll only find faults with yourself and ignore the positives that yourself can bring into the relationship. Always look forward into your relationship and try not to look back at your partner's history if you are uncomfortable... because end of the day, what happened in the past can't be magically undone. You should positively confront it.

Maybe in the future in a different relationship you'll be more experienced and be more open to talking about previous partners. Talking is always good and has always helped me out when in a difficult phase of a relationship! :D
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Re: Are you a virgin?

Unread postby Sun Fin » Tue Nov 05, 2013 5:22 pm

I don't know where Dong's post went but I raised a good point that none of the rest of us have picked up on. If you chose to have sex with your girlfriend because you are in a place where that feels right for you then that’s one thing but please don't have sex with her because you feel like you need to compete with the other guy. If she is the right girl for you then she won’t pressure you in to something if you’re not ready for it.
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Re: Are you a virgin?

Unread postby Dong Zhou » Tue Nov 05, 2013 5:54 pm

I deleted it as I felt that others here were better placed to give advice on such matters.

Though I am delighted to see you again Cao Hong

Sun Fin wrote:If you chose to have sex with your girlfriend because you are in a place where that feels right for you then that’s one thing but please don't have sex with her because you feel like you need to compete with the other guy. If she is the right girl for you then she won’t pressure you in to something if you’re not ready for it.


Yep. Get your head clear and your mind right, the last thing I suspect you want to do Cao Hong is for your first time to be for all the wrong reasons. You will only kick yourself for it later and your doing her a disservice

SunXia wrote:See here's another error you are making, you are judging on her on the level of intelligence or goodness of a previous lover!! We all have that person we dated or kissed or slept with and look back and think "Oh dear heaven what did I see in him/her"!! In the end, you don't know how she felt at the time!! Teenage years are very difficult for girls, their bodies go through massive amounts of changes that have both physical, emotional and psychological effects!! Add hormones on top of all the changes and it can make a girl feel quite low about herself especially if she doesn't have the right support to deal with it ie - a loving mother or a big sister or an empathetic father/brother!! Add on top of it peer pressure or social pressure that can also lead to mistakes!! It's a very confusing during which a girl can feel very unattractive about herself and thus she can easily be very vulnerable to those type of guys like the sweet talkers or the bad boys or the exciting or someone who quite simply, at that moment in time, made her feel good about herself!! Of course on the social side there is also drink and alcohol that can add to a confused girls insecurities or it can quite simply cause someone to make a very silly mistake!!

In the end, you can't really judge a person on their past lovers or partners!! You may not like them but you do not know the full details of what transpired between them, you won't understand how she felt at that time and she can't change what happened!! If you don't openly address these issues with her then you are being dishonest with her and are avoiding closure on something that bothers you!! Both of these lead to resentment and will only cause problems later on!!


This was something I did touch upon and do want to mention.

Some of us, maybe most of us or even all, have things we regret in our past from a whole range of areas. Fashion, music, family, accidents, even stuff we did on here or other forums as we grew up. None of us would want, or expect, posts we made years ago to be held against us nowadays.

I'm guessing the lady is of a similar age to you Cao Hong? She, and you, are going to make mistakes in all range of things. Love is one of them. People will have relationships they regret, go through phrases, lost their virginity in ways they aren't proud of, maybe slept with too many, doing stupid drunken dares or whatever. Sun Xia has given reasons for why all this happens and it won't be good for either of you if you let a mistake by a growing young lady cloud your relationship.
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Re: Are you a virgin?

Unread postby Cao Hong 14 » Tue Nov 05, 2013 9:23 pm

thank you all for the wonderful advice!!! I appreciate it more than any of you will ever know. Sorry again to have troubled you with my stupid teenage emotions and immaturity. However, It's great to hear from so many friends around here that care :D !

I'll do everything I can to take all the advice given to me to heart. All of you are very right about what you said and I am starting to see my mistakes. I think deep down I already knew my problem, or at least one of them anyways, but I didn't want to face it or admit it. I have always had a problem with insecurity. I am a short, skinny, teenager who was never given much confidence or support from anyone so I always feel kinda alone and unsure of myself. It has gotten better over the years but it is still certainly there.

Anyways, thanks again for the feedback. In the end, I do really care for her and I suppose that is all that matters. I need to move on and forget about her past mistakes and accept her for the person she is now. Just like Mr. Kennedy says in the quote in my sig "Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future" and I certainly don't wanna miss out on the future potential relationship I can have with her just because of her past. Thanks everyone, you're the best!!!
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Re: Are you a virgin?

Unread postby Sun Fin » Tue Nov 05, 2013 10:26 pm

Cao Hong 14 wrote:thank you all for the wonderful advice!!! I appreciate it more than any of you will ever know. Sorry again to have troubled you with my stupid teenage emotions and immaturity. However, It's great to hear from so many friends around here that care :D !

I'll do everything I can to take all the advice given to me to heart. All of you are very right about what you said and I am starting to see my mistakes. I think deep down I already knew my problem, or at least one of them anyways, but I didn't want to face it or admit it. I have always had a problem with insecurity. I am a short, skinny, teenager who was never given much confidence or support from anyone so I always feel kinda alone and unsure of myself. It has gotten better over the years but it is still certainly there.

Anyways, thanks again for the feedback. In the end, I do really care for her and I suppose that is all that matters. I need to move on and forget about her past mistakes and accept her for the person she is now. Just like Mr. Kennedy says in the quote in my sig "Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future" and I certainly don't wanna miss out on the future potential relationship I can have with her just because of her past. Thanks everyone, you're the best!!!


This is the kind of post that makes me pleased to be part of this online community, best of luck to you Cao_Hong.
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Re: Are you a virgin?

Unread postby Shikanosuke » Wed Nov 06, 2013 12:29 am

Cao Hong 14 wrote:thank you all for the wonderful advice!!! I appreciate it more than any of you will ever know. Sorry again to have troubled you with my stupid teenage emotions and immaturity. However, It's great to hear from so many friends around here that care :D !

I'll do everything I can to take all the advice given to me to heart. All of you are very right about what you said and I am starting to see my mistakes


No apologies needed friend. And we all make mistakes in this field I'm sure, its the only way to learn and grow.
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