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Re: Problems? Need help or support? Let us offer it to you

Unread postby mrbeate » Tue Jul 07, 2015 7:47 am

Alright I need some opinions. I have this acquaintance who I've known since middle school, not close. But we do chill in school during the semester and we never hang out other than in college grounds. He has a girlfriend, and I've invited her to parties and just to chill out and drink with me on occasion because I find her cool. The guy doesn't like this at all and they argue, resulting in them breaking up. I start flirting with and going to parties with her. At the last party her ex-boyfriend calls her wanting to get back together, but she's not too sure about it. Is it okay for me to swoop in and get with her? I also know that he cheats on her with one of her "friends". I'm a known "homewrecker" with my friends, but I will never do it to my bestfriends. Tbh I don't really care about this dude.
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Re: Problems? Need help or support? Let us offer it to you

Unread postby Bush Leagues » Tue Jul 07, 2015 8:29 am

Well, that's not an easy situation. I can see why you want second opinions.

Trying to be brief -

If she's available, then I don't particularly take issue with trying to get with her, although I wouldn't want you to take advantage of her emotional vulnerability (seems like she is from your post). If it seems like she'll go back to him, you can consider telling her that he was cheating (although I might not mention who, if you know), and basically letting her know that he's not really into a serious relationship right now (evidenced by his cheating). I have no idea if you are or not either, although I would be clear up-front either way. Be aware that it will cause friction between you and this guy, and depending on his temperament, impulsiveness, etc, might cause you more serious problems than a strained relationship for a while.

Secondly, if she decides to try her relationship with this guy again, she should make it clear that you and her are friends, and that he has to be OK with that. And if that happens, I don't believe you should pursue her any farther until she's not with him anymore. In the first place, I do think it's wrong to sleep with someone who's in a relationship (unless it's open or not exclusive, those do exist), but more importantly, she might end up regretting sleeping with you if it means she's cheating and it could damage your relationship. You can still be friends, but you should avoid romantic entanglements with her. From a pragmatic perspective, it doesn't seem like this relationship is one that's gonna last for a significant period of time anyway, so biding your time will be fine when she's finally done with him for good.

Lastly, balance all the advice you get here - from me or anyone else - with your own knowledge of the situation and experience with these people. None of us have interacted with them in any way, and so your gut is probably the best advice you're going to get, except for people around you who know these people and the situation. I don't expect to change your mind about much, but hopefully the different perspective gives you some insight into the situation.

Best of luck with this, brother. :wink:

EDIT: I don't think I come off this way, but I want to make it clear - I'm not being judgmental of you or anything along those lines. I gave the advice I did because it's the best I can think of for your particular situation.

And again, hope it all goes well for you.
Last edited by Bush Leagues on Tue Jul 07, 2015 9:16 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Problems? Need help or support? Let us offer it to you

Unread postby Sun Fin » Tue Jul 07, 2015 9:03 am

Personally I'd give some time for the whole situation to settle down. I don't think you want to get in to a messy love triangle, believe me those things are not fun. Instead I'd wait, hope that she rejects him outright and give them both time to move on. Then you make your move knowing that your not a rebound boyfriend, that she doesn't still have feelings for someone else and actually being confident that you can dismiss those rumours of being a 'home wrecker'.
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Re: Problems? Need help or support? Let us offer it to you

Unread postby mrbeate » Wed Jul 08, 2015 6:45 am

Bush Leagues wrote:If she's available, then I don't particularly take issue with trying to get with her, although I wouldn't want you to take advantage of her emotional vulnerability (seems like she is from your post). If it seems like she'll go back to him, you can consider telling her that he was cheating (although I might not mention who, if you know), and basically letting her know that he's not really into a serious relationship right now (evidenced by his cheating). I have no idea if you are or not either, although I would be clear up-front either way. Be aware that it will cause friction between you and this guy, and depending on his temperament, impulsiveness, etc, might cause you more serious problems than a strained relationship for a while.


It has been almost a month since they broke up, the flirting started the day after they broke up. I don't want to snitch, It's not my thing. We may not like each other after but I don't mind.

Bush Leagues wrote:EDIT: I don't think I come off this way, but I want to make it clear - I'm not being judgmental of you or anything along those lines. I gave the advice I did because it's the best I can think of for your particular situation.


Yeah I understand, any opinions really help me my perspectives.

Sun Fin wrote:Personally I'd give some time for the whole situation to settle down. I don't think you want to get in to a messy love triangle, believe me those things are not fun. Instead I'd wait, hope that she rejects him outright and give them both time to move on. Then you make your move knowing that your not a rebound boyfriend, that she doesn't still have feelings for someone else and actually being confident that you can dismiss those rumours of being a 'home wrecker'.


I hope she rejects him too, I'm not sure if she knows that he cheated on her, but I'm not one to tell. I don't mind being on the rebound... I'm not looking for anything serious, but I also want to see how far this goes. Being a known home wrecker SUCKS! Girls assume the worst of you and don't want to be around you.
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Re: Problems? Need help or support? Let us offer it to you

Unread postby Bush Leagues » Wed Jul 08, 2015 6:53 am

mrbeate wrote:It has been almost a month since they broke up, the flirting started the day after they broke up. I don't want to snitch, It's not my thing. We may not like each other after but I don't mind.


I see; I think I misunderstood, it seemed like you were flirting before they broke up. At least it could look like that from an outsiders' perspective.

I also get your position about not wanting to snitch, it could be bad for you if others did similar, considering your history. :D
I have a bit more to say about that, but it's not my place, so I'll leave it alone.

mrbeate wrote:I'm not looking for anything serious, but I also want to see how far this goes. Being a known home wrecker SUCKS! Girls assume the worst of you and don't want to be around you.


Hahaha. :lol: We all lie in the bed we make.

Again, I hope it all goes well for everyone involved. Sometimes the bad stuff turns out to be OK or even pretty good in the end. :D
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Re: Problems? Need help or support? Let us offer it to you

Unread postby PeanutButterToast » Tue Jul 02, 2019 9:49 pm

I hope it's okay to post even though it's been a few years. I work in a hospital, and we're currently pretty full. I work in central stores and it's been hard having to make sure all units are stocked as we're out of some products that are currently needed. More people are leaving, and morale has all but deteriorated. A position in another department has opened up and I am debating whether or not to stay or go.

I'll miss my coworker buddies, but at the same time, I feel like things are only going to get worse as yet another person is leaving, and nobody else seems all that eager to pick up the slack until a new hire comes in. Boss doesn't care, and tries to squash any form of disagreement he notices rather than listen, plus he is short tempered and I am a little scared of him. I guess I just need some input on the situation.
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Re: Problems? Need help or support? Let us offer it to you

Unread postby Jake » Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:08 pm

From my past experiences, staying at an environment that makes you constantly place others' well-being before your own is only going to harm your mental health in the long run because the stress from your decision to grit your teeth together is going to stack up on your shoulders until you call it quits, which doesn't benefit anyone. It's also catastrophic if there's a problem with the management, as your boss doesn't sound like he'd receive any suggestions from you.

You say that the problem is the lack of personnel and that you don't get the stocks supplied. Are either of those problems solvable in the near future? If not, I'd say you'd jump overboard rather than sink down with the ship. You also mentioned that you'd miss your co-workers from your department, and I can't stress this enough, if that is the only thing keeping you in a department that doesn't benefit you or anyone else, it's never good enough a reason to stake your own well-being, especially when you know there's better options. I think everyone misses some past co-workers when switching between jobs but that's life dude.

I, at least, sleep my nights more soundly when I work at an environment where I don't have to get through one day at a time. I've seen enough abusive managers and low-tier jobs that I know when to call it quits, and I advice you to start thinking so too. If the negatives overwhelm the positives when thinking about your current situation, you should start considering changing departments.

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Re: Problems? Need help or support? Let us offer it to you

Unread postby Sun Fin » Sat Jul 06, 2019 11:14 am

I agree with Jake, staying for your team is not a great approach because if your feeling low and stressed others will be too and will probably be applying elsewhere. Especially when your boss has the attitude described. Nothing is going to get better. My advice would be apply to that other role!
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Re: Problems? Need help or support? Let us offer it to you

Unread postby Dong Zhou » Sun Jul 07, 2019 8:58 am

Sorry didn't see this. Peanut, you are always welcome to use this thread however long you have been away or whatever has happened.

In short, I agree with the others, seek transfer.

By the sounds of it, the problems at that department are long term rather then just a blip. If the problems that are hitting the department aren't going to be solved (and being scared of your boss does not sound a good place to be), there seems no point hanging around, making yourself more and more miserable, impacting your health and life.

Being with co-workers should not come into account when taking work decisions, it is your future and your health. There are a lot of things (transfers, promotions, relocations, changing jobs) that can be really positive for a person that people refuse to take due to staying with those they work with, it is is not a good idea. As you say, people are leaving so your co-workers are changing, they may also be feeling the strain and things will get miserable for them as well. At a new work place (even if just switching to another department), you will hopefully settle among new co-workers and maybe keep one or two of the old co-workers
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Re: Problems? Need help or support? Let us offer it to you

Unread postby PeanutButterToast » Sun Jul 07, 2019 5:27 pm

Thanks everyone. I've applied for the other position and am just trying to get through one day at a time right now. My health has suffered a bit but I plan to get my diet and sleep back on track now that I see some light at the end of the tunnel. We lost two more people so it's gonna be a tough ride until I hopefully hear back from the other position.

Sun Fin wrote:I agree with Jake, staying for your team is not a great approach because if your feeling low and stressed others will be too and will probably be applying elsewhere. Especially when your boss has the attitude described. Nothing is going to get better. My advice would be apply to that other role!


I've been hiding my stress by putting on my usual smile and only really letting it out during my lunch. I keep my energy up with daily doses of caffeine. Probably not healthy, but the workload is getting heavier and the new people are not yet trained enough to really be of much help. I can't bring the team down with my own sadness and stress. I can't let them see.
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