Girlfriend

The place to hang out with your fellow scholars, have a drink, share a laugh and enjoy each other's company.

Re: Girlfriend

Unread postby SunXia » Wed Feb 22, 2012 11:02 am

TMBJ wrote: But if you haven't forgotten the past, they definitely haven't. I mean, you can try to put the past behind you, but she's going to be a time bomb with a uterus, believe me.
Now hold on, not every girl likes to explode and annoy people about the past!! In fact, in my experiences, my men were the ones that concentrated on the past, like, for example, people I dated when I was 15, ten years ago!! There's always this taboo thingy that women never forget things and while, yes I have a good memory, I don't bloody well throw the past in somebody's face and get it done to me!! That thing works both ways!!

But yeah back to stuff, Mikachu, you know how I feel regarding this, you need to cut her out of your life completely, there's only so many times you can try and only so much time you can wait!! While yes, you have feelings for this girl, or did, you need to move on and accept you weren't meant to be!! While before, you wanted to be there for her and stuff, you have to remember you had strong feelings and those influenced your actions, whether you're ready to admit that or not!! When you take those feelings out of the picture, there is going to be a large vacuum of awkwardness because, you don't feel like you used to do around her, she doesn't make you as bubbly inside and yeah, you will remember the fresh wound at this stage!! There may be a time when you can be on good terms with this girl, and that would take a long while, but I don't think you will ever be close!!

Some people I talk to do the whole, "Oh I'm good friends with my ex" thing and while yes, I feel you can be on good terms with an ex, I don't think you can be good friends with them otherwise there weren't any real, gripping feelings there in the first place!!

Actually had this discussion with a friend last night, he thinks it's weird that I've never fallen for a friend but I guess it's because when I meet someone that I like, I won't allow myself to become "just friends" with the person!! The people I keep close to me I want to be sure that they are my friends and nothing else, I prefer honesty and if I'm attracted to somebody, I'm not going to sit there and pretend they can be friends with me when my feelings are anything but platonic, I have enough complications in my life to engage in that sort of boy/girl hoohah!! I've also never been one to "develop" feelings for a person, for me they're either there or they're not!! I never enjoy those dates people pressure you into going on on the off-chance you may hit it off - if we haven't yet, I doubt we will!! Maybe I'm just weird but I would rather lose a boyfriend who wasn't a friend previously that lose a friend because I'd risked dating him ad not have him there to comfort me when it ended!!
If becoming enlightened or an intellectual means I must become arrogant and coldly cynical about the world around me then I'd gladly remain a fool for the rest of my life!!

I'm Out4Marriage!!!Are You??

It is a CHOICE!!
User avatar
SunXia
Warrior Princess
Warrior Princess
 
Posts: 6287
Joined: Sun Jul 31, 2005 3:48 pm
Location: Keeping Evils from this world at bay...with a smile!!

Re: Girlfriend

Unread postby TooMuchBaijiu » Wed Feb 22, 2012 12:06 pm

SunXia wrote:Now hold on, not every girl likes to explode and annoy people about the past!! In fact, in my experiences, my men were the ones that concentrated on the past, like, for example, people I dated when I was 15, ten years ago!! There's always this taboo thingy that women never forget things and while, yes I have a good memory, I don't bloody well throw the past in somebody's face and get it done to me!! That thing works both ways!!


Well, there are plenty of honorable exceptions to the rule, and yes, men will do it too. But c'mon, I couldn't resist the time bomb line.
I don't write fanfic, but if I did it would involve Zhou Yu and Zheng He fighting to win the heart of Lai Choi San. Then I'd make them join forces to fight Ming the Merciless, who secretly works for Master Li. I'd squeeze Lu Bu in there somehow.
User avatar
TooMuchBaijiu
Scholar of Shen Zhou
 
Posts: 1469
Joined: Mon Nov 29, 2010 4:15 am
Location: In 1939, chasing Frida Kahlo with a Gillette

Re: Girlfriend

Unread postby Mikhail » Wed Feb 22, 2012 5:14 pm

Well... I think I'm officially hopeless.
She sent me a picture last night which was taken after her wisdom teeth were taken out. She was wearing dorky glasses, her cheeks were puffed up due to the swelling, there was blood, and she had an awkward looking face. For all intents and purposes, she wasn't at all near her best. And I found her absolutely beautiful.
As far as I know, when you can find a girl beautiful when she's not looking attractive at all, you're screwed..

And Sunny, I don't follow that. The whole not dating/falling in love with a friend thing. I would rather lose a good friend than not pursue a relationship with her. The reason being is that I don't want to wonder what if. There's a reason why they are good friends with you and that's because they can stand you better than most. They understand you better than most. They know you better than most. And in terms of relationships, that's already a great base. And because of that, i wouldn't want to miss out on something that could be spectacular because I'm scared of losing someone. I mean, if the girl who I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with is my closest friend, then I'm going to take a risk and go for it.

Furthermore, its selfish. If there's a possibility that both your lives will improve drastically with both of you being together, and you deny that because you're scared of losing a friend, then its just not fair to the friend. I mean its fine if you both have no interest in each other but if that kind of knowledge hasn't been provided, then I think its unfair.

I guess thats a bit of why I can't seem to properly let go. The way I see it, I don't think I had a real/fair chance in this "relationship". From the 7-8 months or so that I've known her, we've only been in the same city for a little less than 2 months. Sure we went out a few times and there were kisses, but apparently, since for most people, proximity matters greatly for the development of feelings, then it was just too scattered. And in the end, I'm like left wondering "what if".I think very highly of her and unless I had my chance and failed, then I'm always going to think what if and I'm always going to wonder. Seriously, I can let her go if I think I got my chance.
Soweneul Malhaebwa (Tell me your wish).
User avatar
Mikhail
Great Sage Equaling Heaven
 
Posts: 2603
Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2005 11:15 am
Location: Toronto, Canada

Re: Girlfriend

Unread postby SunXia » Wed Feb 22, 2012 9:32 pm

Argh so much to reply to!!
Mika wrote:I guess thats a bit of why I can't seem to properly let go. The way I see it, I don't think I had a real/fair chance in this "relationship". From the 7-8 months or so that I've known her, we've only been in the same city for a little less than 2 months. Sure we went out a few times and there were kisses, but apparently, since for most people, proximity matters greatly for the development of feelings, then it was just too scattered. And in the end, I'm like left wondering "what if".I think very highly of her and unless I had my chance and failed, then I'm always going to think what if and I'm always going to wonder. Seriously, I can let her go if I think I got my chance.
Of course you want closure for your feelings and at least feel like you have got the chance to try!! However, as things are, I doubt you are going to get that chance because of the distance thing and because of her feelings in the matter which, in a two way relationship, the other person's feelings are very important!! And I know little things like her sending you that picture give you hope but remember what has happened up until now when those things happen!! Unfortunately you need to cut her out of your life for a while so that you can get out of this limbo of staying around with some hope, or else you will never be able to move on!! I mean this has been going on and causing you stress for months, and I know you think it is worth it but if she's not willing to respect or reciprocate your feelings or at least give them a chance, then is it really worth being left hanging dry?? To me it sounds like a whole world of hurt and it's been going on for months!!

Mika wrote:Furthermore, its selfish. If there's a possibility that both your lives will improve drastically with both of you being together, and you deny that because you're scared of losing a friend, then its just not fair to the friend. I mean its fine if you both have no interest in each other but if that kind of knowledge hasn't been provided, then I think its unfair.
That's your opinion!! If you think I am selfish that I have never pursued a relationship with any of my friends then fine but I don't see it that way!! I date people that I am really interested in and that's it!! I have never had any feelings for a friend and I'm alright with that!! I won't torture myself by becoming friends with somebody who only sees me as a friend when I feel something more thus they are relegated to Acquaintances that I talk to every now and then but not close friends!! I know almost immediately if I am attracted to someone and want something more than friendship and thus I will poke around and find out information like if they are single and stuff, then I won't mind talking to them and possibly going for more if we get along!! Of course, I become friends with them first but only if I know they are attracted to me as well, which I can usually perceive as well!!

I've tried the whole being forced by peers into dating friends who fancied me and feelings weren't reciprocated from me!! This whole "you never know what might happen" or "you might enjoy yourself" or "try it, you might like it, you never know", none of those situations ever work out for me and I have lost a few friends as a result!! I am pretty sure of who I am and when I am attracted to someone!! If I know there is a chance with the person then I will become friendly with them, that's fine but if there's no chance I will not torture myself in that fashion by becoming their friend and waiting for a chance or for them to become single, I find that depressing!! I am fairly honest and will let the person know if I am attracted to them and that will determine the future of or relationship be it sexual or platonic!!

So no, I don't think it is selfish that I don't date friends, I won't be in that situation and never been in the situation where I suddenly see my friends in a different light!! I also don't think it's selfish if I will not go out with someone just because they like me!! Unfortunately, even though I have advised friends to be honest and always make my stance clear, I have had lots of the "I've always fancied you" scenarios after years or months of friendship and I find that sad for them and for the friendship in general!! I don't like being lied to or people treating me in some way under false pretenses because it always ruins the friendship and somehow ends up being my fault for not having those feelings in return when it isn't my fault!! In fact, what I always say is that this whole "do it before your in the friends zone" does not apply to me and I always say that to my friends and they all know that I am notoriously picky because I have to have those feelings and it's rare that I do!! Thus it is almost decided right away whether you are just a friend because i know myself and my feelings!!

I won't torture myself and I always hint and discuss with friends how they shouldn't do the same and I'm honest about y feelings to avoid this happening!! I value my friends and I don't want friendships to be ruined by non-reciprocated feelings fro either party so I won't do that, less people get hurt that way!! I don't mind becoming friends and maybe more if there is a chance with someone that i like but if there's not I won't engage in close relations of any sort with the person, it's better all round that way!! If it's feelings towards me, they will know that it's not reciprocated even without having told me because I always stress that they are my friend and only my friend!! It's just the way I am and I have engaged in too many dates of sitting there with no chemistry to last me a life time!!
If becoming enlightened or an intellectual means I must become arrogant and coldly cynical about the world around me then I'd gladly remain a fool for the rest of my life!!

I'm Out4Marriage!!!Are You??

It is a CHOICE!!
User avatar
SunXia
Warrior Princess
Warrior Princess
 
Posts: 6287
Joined: Sun Jul 31, 2005 3:48 pm
Location: Keeping Evils from this world at bay...with a smile!!

Re: Girlfriend

Unread postby Zyzyfer » Thu Feb 23, 2012 12:20 am

Mikhail wrote:Well... I think I'm officially hopeless.
She sent me a picture last night which was taken after her wisdom teeth were taken out. She was wearing dorky glasses, her cheeks were puffed up due to the swelling, there was blood, and she had an awkward looking face. For all intents and purposes, she wasn't at all near her best. And I found her absolutely beautiful.
As far as I know, when you can find a girl beautiful when she's not looking attractive at all, you're screwed..


Textbook "angel on a pedestal" moment right here. Yep, you're screwed all right...

Oh and, I want to agree with SunXia on something. It's not 100% guaranteed, but people generally decide quickly if they're attracted to someone. If you've been "seeing" this girl for eight months and you're not getting straight answers, then the advice to cut your losses is about the most practical there is.
Are we etched in stone or just scratched in the sand
Waiting for the waves to come and reclaim the land
Will the sun shine all sweetness and light
Burn us to a cinder, our third stone satellite
I'm on a tight rope baby
User avatar
Zyzyfer
Scholar of Shen Zhou
 
Posts: 2226
Joined: Thu May 08, 2008 1:17 pm
Location: South Korea

Re: Girlfriend

Unread postby mrbeate » Thu Feb 23, 2012 2:29 am

Mikhail wrote:Furthermore, its selfish. If there's a possibility that both your lives will improve drastically with both of you being together, and you deny that because you're scared of losing a friend, then its just not fair to the friend. I mean its fine if you both have no interest in each other but if that kind of knowledge hasn't been provided, then I think its unfair.


Friendship is valuable but it IS replaceable. People can always make new friends and move on. I remember about a year ago I had feelings for a friend of mine, she rejected my advances. I too fell into a state of sadness. I stopped talking to her and ignored her, to give myself time. I heard she had cried because I was so bummed. Once I bounced back up I started talking to her again, but she was different. It was awkward between us to the point she would be nervous to be around me, and we were never left alone. Soon several things happened and I ended up not talking to her ever again.
Point is, afterward I couldn't care less about her, after all the things she put me through (I won't explain what) I was and am better off without her. Even though to this day I hear from friends that she sometimes talks about me, I just don't care. It was the past and I look back sometimes and say "Never again." I moved on, rather easily to, and as far as I know she did as well. The lost of a friend won't devastate someone, people eventually get back up and live there life as if the friend wasn't there. How long it takes is different from person to person, but from what I've seen, a week to a month was enough. And in that period it's not as if the person is in a depression, they still do their usual daily life, probably not as content as usual.

Your perfect or "soulmate" would not ever intentionally hurt you.
Yes.
User avatar
mrbeate
Scholar of Shen Zhou
 
Posts: 1704
Joined: Wed Jun 10, 2009 9:39 pm
Location: GTA

Re: Girlfriend

Unread postby SunXia » Thu Feb 23, 2012 2:49 am

The loss of any relationship, platonic or sexual, is heart wrenching!! Like any loss of course you get over it, doesn't mean I look forward to anyone damaging my friendships and don't intend ever on doing it myself!! Somebody having feelings for me isn't something I should be made to feel guilty about, especially when I make my stance clear from the beginning, there really is no hope of anything more if I have told you that I don't date friends, generally means, no point in harboring feelings and keeping them secret whilst hanging around me, just means a world of hurt for both sides, obviously during these said feelings and when it eventually spills out and I have to repeat my original stance!! It's sad that they get hurt but I also have to carry the hurt and then the sense of loss because I can no longer be close friends with them!! I have tried to remain friends but the best result is acquaintances on good terms because there is a sense of trust wiped away, they had kept this from me for the entirety of the friendship and since friendship is built, for me, on mutual trust and support, it won't feel the same!!
If becoming enlightened or an intellectual means I must become arrogant and coldly cynical about the world around me then I'd gladly remain a fool for the rest of my life!!

I'm Out4Marriage!!!Are You??

It is a CHOICE!!
User avatar
SunXia
Warrior Princess
Warrior Princess
 
Posts: 6287
Joined: Sun Jul 31, 2005 3:48 pm
Location: Keeping Evils from this world at bay...with a smile!!

Re: Girlfriend

Unread postby TooMuchBaijiu » Wed Apr 04, 2012 9:34 am

So, what are you guys' opinions about, uh, "casual" relationships? See, when I'm not working, I'm in school, and there's no time to really develop a real relationship right now, but I am thinking about keeping a girl around. I'm not saying it's just a physical thing-that just cements one's personal loneliness, in my opinion-but not quite a "love" thing, either. Obviously, I'm aware that I couldn't lead her on or anything, and I wouldn't go into it without any understanding of what the relationship is. So, anyone ever do this? How'd it work out?
I don't write fanfic, but if I did it would involve Zhou Yu and Zheng He fighting to win the heart of Lai Choi San. Then I'd make them join forces to fight Ming the Merciless, who secretly works for Master Li. I'd squeeze Lu Bu in there somehow.
User avatar
TooMuchBaijiu
Scholar of Shen Zhou
 
Posts: 1469
Joined: Mon Nov 29, 2010 4:15 am
Location: In 1939, chasing Frida Kahlo with a Gillette

Re: Girlfriend

Unread postby Zhuanyong » Wed Apr 04, 2012 12:53 pm

TooMuchBaijiu wrote:So, what are you guys' opinions about, uh, "casual" relationships? See, when I'm not working, I'm in school, and there's no time to really develop a real relationship right now, but I am thinking about keeping a girl around. I'm not saying it's just a physical thing-that just cements one's personal loneliness, in my opinion-but not quite a "love" thing, either. Obviously, I'm aware that I couldn't lead her on or anything, and I wouldn't go into it without any understanding of what the relationship is.


[SUBLIMINAL VOICE]DON'T DO IT....YOU MAY END UP INDIRECTLY LEADING HER ON...[/SUBLIMINAL VOICE]

So, anyone ever do this? How'd it work out?


Yeah, it almost ended up with someone committing suicide. She knew what the relationship was, and still wanted to be my everything. When I continued to affirm that the situation wouldn't go beyond what we initially agreed, she attempted to kill herself by od'ing on her mothers pills. Not a pretty sight... not at all. I recommend against it.
Avatar: N/A

[No comment]
User avatar
Zhuanyong
Scholar of Shen Zhou
 
Posts: 5346
Joined: Mon Sep 27, 2010 8:58 pm
Location: If I told you, would it really matter?

Re: Girlfriend

Unread postby SunXia » Wed Apr 04, 2012 1:59 pm

I've had casual relationships before, they were what they were and ended when there was no need for them!!
If becoming enlightened or an intellectual means I must become arrogant and coldly cynical about the world around me then I'd gladly remain a fool for the rest of my life!!

I'm Out4Marriage!!!Are You??

It is a CHOICE!!
User avatar
SunXia
Warrior Princess
Warrior Princess
 
Posts: 6287
Joined: Sun Jul 31, 2005 3:48 pm
Location: Keeping Evils from this world at bay...with a smile!!

PreviousNext

Return to The Pub

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

Copyright © 2002–2008 Kongming’s Archives. All Rights Reserved