Liu Bei, SGYY Biography

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Unread postby Asellas » Sun Nov 23, 2003 12:50 pm

I have just updated it, mainly the errors and typo's. But I managed to include Liu Bei's victories and accomplishments. I'll probably update it when I can so about every day I will add a few paragraphs and it should build up so if you want to read it and correct me (Thankyou to those who do!) check back on the first post regularly.
I'll also include more dates as I progress since the dateI have been able to include is the date of 184 AD.
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Unread postby Kong Wen » Sun Nov 23, 2003 7:48 pm

Looks like the biography is progressing well so far. I'll offer what suggestions I can:

First, go back through the whole bio and check the grammar. This includes spelling, sentence structure, and word choice. Check the meanings of the words you use, if you're in doubt, because I noticed a few little things that didn't make sense. Try to clean up any sentences where the structure is awkward or the meaning might be ambiguous. Make sure all of your subjects and verbs agree, &c.

I can't really offer any comments on the content, as it all looks fine to me so far.
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Unread postby Asellas » Sun Nov 23, 2003 7:55 pm

Kong Zhengshu wrote:Looks like the biography is progressing well so far. I'll offer what suggestions I can:

First, go back through the whole bio and check the grammar. This includes spelling, sentence structure, and word choice. Check the meanings of the words you use, if you're in doubt, because I noticed a few little things that didn't make sense. Try to clean up any sentences where the structure is awkward or the meaning might be ambiguous. Make sure all of your subjects and verbs agree, &c.

I can't really offer any comments on the content, as it all looks fine to me so far.


Heh, that is always been my biggest downfall.. using words with have more complex meanings than I originally know of. I'll try and use alternatives but I have always wrote like this so please correct me again if I do it so I can learn but, it will take time for me to adapt to a different style of writing.
Thanks for the suggestions though and for complements. ^^
"Winter is coming".
"I like hurting people...it's what I do best because I am heartless".
"Love is for poets, romance is for playwrights, and sex is for procreation - I desire none of them"
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Re: Liu Bei, SGYY Biography

Unread postby Kong Wen » Mon Nov 24, 2003 4:05 am

Ryan, I'm just going to point out a few instances of the grammar issue I was talking about, just to get you off the ground for your final edition.

Nanami Ice Kleist wrote:Liu Bei, styled Xuande was the son of Liu Sheng, whom was a great grandson of Emporer Jing; Xuande was claimed to have long ear lobes Liu Bei gained very few fortune by making straw sandals and mats.


The first sentence is pretty choppy. For example, your semi-colon links two completely different sentences. You should just use a period, and save the semi-colon for connected sentences. Even after the semi-colon, it looks like you forgot a period between "ear lobes" and "Liu Bei". "Liu Bei gained very few fortune" doesn't make sense in English, so you might think about rewording it.

Nanami Ice Kleist wrote:Liu Bei used to play as if he was a ruler for the Han and he claimed I am the mandate of heaven and my chariot shall lead us to victory.


You should decide how you want to arrange this sentence. If you want to have Liu Bei speaking first person ("I am the mandate..."), then include quotation marks and make sure you have him quoted accurately. If you just want to paraphrase what he said, you should convert it into third person so it fits in with the rest of your sentence ("... and he claimed to be the mandate of heaven, and that his chariot...").

In general, check over your whole bio to make sure your sentences don't jump between person (first/I, third/he), number (plural vs. singular) etc.

Nanami Ice Kleist wrote:His uncle, Liu Yuangqi found something special in Liu bei like high ambition and charisma.


Besides the capitalization of Liu Bei's name, which is just a careless mistake you would have noticed anyway, you could make this sentence more precise, and thus more powerful. I.e. did he just find something like ambition and charisma, or are those traits exactly what he found?

Nanami Ice Kleist wrote:In his younger days, he spent a lot of his time and life under the tutor ledge of the veteran han general, Lu Zhi where he befriended Gongsun Zan and the two became great friends.


Which two, Liu Bei and Lu Zhi, or Liu Bei and Gongsun Zan? Readers around here probably know what you're talking about, but you could clarify the sentence a little. The ending is also a bit redundant with the use of the word "friend".

Nanami Ice Kleist wrote:...He Jin trying to subdue and quell the rebels which were know as 'Yellow Scarf’s' and therefore labelled the 'Yellow Turban Rebellion'.


That should be "Yellow Scarves". When you're revising this bio, look out for your use of apostrophes. I notice it again below in the word "hundred's" (which should just be hundreds).

Nanami Ice Kleist wrote:So, with his oath brothers, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei in the Peach Tree Gardens.


This isn't a complete sentence--there is no verb.

Nanami Ice Kleist wrote:Though at first, he was unsure but that depressed spirit soon turned to ambition and an opportunity to get noticed and show his power.


You don't need to start this sentence with "though". When you write, try to think about exactly what each word does in the sentence. Here, "though" does nothing, so it is not needed.

Nanami Ice Kleist wrote:He managed to acquire this after Zhang Fei of Yan was somehow attracted to him because of reading the noticed and Liu Bei simply sighed.


This sentence could definately use some rewording. I am pretty sure you mean the fact that Liu Bei sighed while reading the notice was what attracted Zhang Fei to him? That's not quite clear from this sentence.

Anyway, I don't have time tonight to go through the whole essay like this, but my comments so far are just a general guideline for things you can look out for. There are a lot of similar problems throughout the essay, so you can use some of this advice when you look over the rest. Read through your whole bio very carefully and pay attention to the way your sentences are worded, because that seems to be the biggest problem.
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Unread postby Asellas » Mon Nov 24, 2003 1:07 pm

The trouble is, yes I am admitting there are mistakes but sometimes I can put words in different places than where I originally wanted them to be. Like in the lines where Zhang Fei & Guan Yu went in peach tree garden, I was actually intending to put they all travelled to the Peach Tree Garden after Zhang Fei telling them about it and I bet you can spota word in another sentence that doesn;t fit with the sentence structure. Some are just general typos ad I know to put capital letters for places, names ect ect though thanks again Giles.

Though it isn't the worst thing i've ever wrote :roll:
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"I like hurting people...it's what I do best because I am heartless".
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Unread postby Kong Wen » Mon Nov 24, 2003 3:49 pm

Nanami Ice Kleist wrote:Though it isn't the worst thing i've ever wrote :roll:


Oh, I'm not even saying it's bad, so don't get that impression. Just pointing out some potential for proof-reading. :)
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Unread postby Asellas » Mon Nov 24, 2003 9:45 pm

Some of it does make sense, while the sentences could be structured better they make sense a fair few of them so i can just leave them as they are. I have rephrased paragraphs and the likes though some I feel don't need to be changed.


Liu Bei, styled Xuande was the son of Liu Sheng, whom was a great grandson of Emporer Jing, Xuande was claimed to have long ear lobes but Liu Bei's family was poor so he decided to go into business by making straw sandals and mats to earn a living.
Liu Bei played as a ruler for the Han and he claimed that “I am the mandate of heaven and my chariot shall lead us to victory”. His uncle, Liu Yuangqi found two very special in Liu Bei like high ambition and charisma.
In his younger days, he spent a lot of his time and life under the tutor ledge of the veteran han general, Lu Zhi where he befriended Gongsun Zan, both Gongsun Zan and Liu Bei became great friends and had a very good friendship which lasted a while.
He was eventually promoted (from the recommendation of Lu Zhi)to Judicious officer.

He was eventually demoted of the position though, namely for beating someone with a ample amount of power with a tree branch. The tables turned after hearing about the Han Commander, He Jin trying to subdue and quell the rebels which were know as 'Yellow Scarves' and therefore labelled the 'Yellow Turban Rebellion'.
Though, he didn't join until Han General Li Yan was ordered to find reinforcements to quell the hundreds and thousands of yellow scarf’s in the year of 184 A.D
So, with his oath brothers, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei in the Peach Tree Gardens. Liu Bei gladly accepted and appeared to quell a lot of the hoards of Yellow Turbans around the capital. At first, he was unsure but that depressed spirit soon turned to ambition and an opportunity to get noticed and show his power.
Liu Bei sighing at the side. Gained the attention of a man who was known as Zhang Fei. Zhang Fei was so enthusiastic he offered to recruit troops and help his new lord crush the yellow scarf’s.
While Zhang Fei and Liu bei were feasting, a tall grand man stood in the middle of the path and announced he was Guan Yu. Liu Bei peeked closer and closer at the man who was willing to offer and devote his life in servitude to Liu Bei, Liu Bei realised this man was of great fame, long beard and quite destructive by his massive prowess.

Guan Yu was enlightened by Liu Bei about why he was raising arms to fight the yellow scarf’s. They proceeded to the Peach Tree garden and swore brotherhood All 3 set off and embarked for the journey that desiny had created for each 3....Liu Bei's first battle was with Cheng Yuanzhi of the yellow scarf’s, there Liu Bei and his 500 troops met Cheng Yuanzhi's 50,000 troops. Liu Bei barked a statement with encouraged Cheng’s anger so he sent Deng Mao to intercept but Zhang Fei, fell out of formation and thrusted his spear killing Deng Mao and thus, the battlefield had it;s first sacrifice. Cheng was angry and fuming, he charged himself to the front lines of Liu Bei but he didn't get very far, because by the time he reached there... his bloody corpse, in two halves was on the floor; the man who committed the deed was none other than Guan Yu.

Qingzhou was liberated by Liu bei and his men for here was no breathes by the rebels intoxicating the battlefield, they were all vanquished.
A year or so later (Or months), Liu bei heard of Zhang Jue pushing Liu Zhi's forces back and Liu Bei was his student and friend so Liu Bei set off to help him and with more troops to aid him, decided to attack Zhang Jue.
They immediately went to the battlefield where Zhang Jue caused harm to Imperial General Dong Zhuo. Liu Bei forced Zhang Jue to retreat and brought the weakened Dong Zhuo to his camp though much to everyone’s surprise, Dong Zhuo didn’t seem happy nor satisfied by the heroic and valorous rescue after finding out Liu Bei had no offices so he was discontent with it.
Zhang Fei was enraged, hearing the story about Lu Zhi's downfall, Dong Zhuo acting greedy and rude. He was so enraged he even announced that only Dong Zhuo's death could quench his anger and hatred and he proceeded to his tent and held a very sharp sword up in the sky.
Liu Bei informed Zhang Fei about Dong Zhuo having authority so we must not act hastily and slay. Zhang Fei gave a big cry and decided to depart but Liu Bei and Guan Yu soon made Yide realise that they are of one and they will make the journey too. Eventually they met up with Zhu Jun and Liu Bei offering his support and it was welcomed. Zhu Jun was battling Zhang Lian at Quyang with the help of Cao Cao who joined the battle a lot earlier than Liu Bei with Cao Cao was under at the time.
Zhang Ba commanded the sum of about eighty thousand troops. Eventually, Gao Sheng whom was a subordinate of Zhang Ba was sent to cause havoc for Liu Bei, so Xuande sent Zhang Fei to counter him and with his spear in position saw the opportunity to attack Sheng and so fourth he knocked him of his horse with Gao Sheng being severely injured. Liu Bei then gave the command to charge and penetrate enemy lines. Zhang Ba who was still mounted on horseback summoned the aid of the heavens creating thunder, enormous winds causing utter mayhem in Liu Bei's forces, fear swooped down all over the army and thus were in disorder and retreated. Back in the camp of Liu Bei and Zhu Jun, Zhu Jun conjured up a war council and immediately thought of a plan to counter the shaman magic. Guan Yu and Zhang Fei took a thousand troops and went in ambush up to the hills over the canyon where Zhang Ba had his troops stationed, carrying with them the blood of swine’s and goats. Zhang Ba with the drums beating and banners flying charged to Liu Bei, Liu Bei rode forth also but then Zhang Bao halted and began to use magic again. Sand would whirl high in the air, pebbles would levitate of the ground, thunder and winds would cry but they didn't. The blood prevented the elements and magic from ever being summoned and it was then Zhang Ba realised that his magic was countered and set to retire.
At this time, this was a perfect opportunity for the two brothers to strike down Zhang Ba permanently. With Liu Bei and Zhu Jun having the ability to attack from the rear, the rebels were routed. However, Zhang Ba was only wounded but later had an arrow in the left arm but he still managed to lay siege in Yangcheng though shortly after he fortified a fortress in the city, he was besieged by Zhu Jun. Zhang Jue died later, and his brother took command of his armies though he too shared the same destiny as his brother when he was killed by one of his own officers, namely Yan Zheng. Zhang lian was also slain shortly after at Quyang; but even the three leaders of the yellow Scarf's didn't back down yet. They sought leadership under Zhao Hong, Han Zhong and Sun Zhong who destroyed anything and anyone in there path and they causes massive inferno's in cities and to the land, claiming to be the 'Avengers of Master Zhang Jue'. The Imperial Court summoned Zhu Jun, who scored quite a few victories to lead his troops to destroy the rebels. They marched swiftly on to the city of Wancheng which housed the infamous and fearful rebels. Han Zhong saw Zhu Jun's unit and proceeded to deal with them. Liu Bei and his sword brothers whom were subordinates of Zhu Jun were given orders to attack the southwest corner of the fort. Zhu Jun with his armoured cavalry endured a battle with Han Zhong so the troops stationed at the southwest where Liu Bei was stationed. He sought this opportunity to close in on the rebels and disbanded them. A few messengers posed to Zhu Jun about surrendering but Zhu Jun did not take any of it and sent the messengers back empty handed. Liu Bei questioning as to why Zhu Jun rejected these offers. Zhu Jun gave a punctilious response about disorder and the likes. Liu bei then offered his advice and Zhu Jun realised it was a good plan. han Zhong was eventually slain, but the other chieftains of the Yellow Scarf's Sun Zhong and Zhao Hong came to reinforce with a grand army of rebels.
These were eventually forced to retreat by the aid of Sun Jian and Zhu Jun was victorious since the rebels fled from the castle. The rebels met with Liu Bei in the north and though even Liu Bei saw the rebels didn't have the intention to fight, he took his bow, prepared an arrow then launched it killing Sun Zhong and his corpse fell to the ground. Zhu Jun arrived to the scene and the rest of the rebels surrendered and Liu bei was commended for his acts of bravery. Liu Bei later gained the title of of "Magistrate of the county of Anxi".
"Winter is coming".
"I like hurting people...it's what I do best because I am heartless".
"Love is for poets, romance is for playwrights, and sex is for procreation - I desire none of them"
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Unread postby Lady Wu » Mon Nov 24, 2003 10:55 pm

Ryan -- Good work! It sure isn't an easy project putting together the biography of someone like Liu Bei. I think the content is pretty good so far, though I'm still worried about certain aspects of the writing (most of which Kong had pointed out already. If you don't mind I'll point out more specific things (I won't go through all of it though...):

Nanami Ice Kleist wrote:Liu Bei, styled Xuande was the son of Liu Sheng, whom was a great grandson of Emporer Jing, Xuande was claimed to have long ear lobes but Liu Bei's family was poor so he decided to go into business by making straw sandals and mats to earn a living.

This is what they call a run-on sentence. Try to limit each sentence to contain just one main idea. There are many main ideas here: the descent of Liu Bei, his physical appearance, his family situation and occupation. Put a fullstop after each main idea.

Use 'but' only when you're joining two things you don't expect to be true at the same time. For example, "Liu Bei was of royal descent but his family was poor" uses 'but' properly, because if someone is of royal lineage, you expect them to be rich. Since the actual fact is otherwise, you can use 'but' here. Having long ear lobes has nothing to do with being poor, so 'but' shouldn't be used. (Hint: replace 'but' with a fullstop).

Don't use 'whom'. It's archaic and difficult to use properly (the use in that paragraph was wrong, btw).

Liu Bei played as a ruler for the Han and he claimed that “I am the mandate of heaven and my chariot shall lead us to victory”. His uncle, Liu Yuangqi found two very special in Liu Bei like high ambition and charisma.

Did he play ruler before getting a job as a shoe-maker? If so, you should mention this before saying that he made shoes.

Liu Bei can't be the "mandate of Heaven". If someone has the mandate of Heaven, that means they have authority given by Heaven to act as Heaven's representative. You could consider just quoting from the book here: "When I become the Son of Heaven, my chariot shall have a canopy like this."

His uncle found two special what in Liu Bei?

In his younger days, he spent a lot of his time and life under the tutor ledge of the veteran han general, Lu Zhi where he befriended Gongsun Zan, both Gongsun Zan and Liu Bei became great friends and had a very good friendship which lasted a while.

Again, you need to separate out the main ideas. Where Liu Bei went to school is a separate issue of who his friend was.

If they are great friends, shouldn't their friendship last for more than "a while"? (At least, I hope my "great friends" will be friends with me for a long time to come!) Perhaps that last bit is redundant.

He was eventually promoted (from the recommendation of Lu Zhi)to Judicious officer.

Careful with the use of pronouns -- who does "he" refer to? You had just mentioned Liu Bei and Gongsun Zan, so technically you could be talking about either man.

Also be careful with your prepositions. I've noticed quite a few preposition errors in the essay. Prepositions are also my weakest area, so I can't help you much, except I'm sure it should be "by the recommendation" not "from".

He was eventually demoted of the position though, namely for beating someone with a ample amount of power with a tree branch.

"Beating someone with a ample amount of power" is ambiguous -- it can mean either that the beating was done with a lot of power, or the someone was with a lot of power. Try to rephrase sentences like this that can mean more than one thing.

The tables turned after hearing about the Han Commander, He Jin trying to subdue and quell the rebels which were know as 'Yellow Scarves' and therefore labelled the 'Yellow Turban Rebellion'.

Who heard? Make sure the main verb of a sentence comes with a subject (the person or thing that did whatever it is). What was labelled the Yellow Turban Rebellion? He Jin? (Try splitting the last bit into a different sentence).

Though, he didn't join until Han General Li Yan was ordered to find reinforcements to quell the hundreds and thousands of yellow scarf’s in the year of 184 A.D

'Though', like 'but' needs to join two happenings that you don't expect to be true at the same time. It's not clear what "he didn't join" is contrasting with. Also, who does 'he' refer to? Pronouns should refer to the last name you mentioned -- in this case, it means "He Jin".

Please change "scarf's" to "scarves".

So, with his oath brothers, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei in the Peach Tree Gardens.

This is is still not a complete sentence. What did they do in the Peach Tree Gardens?
Liu Bei gladly accepted and appeared to quell a lot of the hoards of Yellow Turbans around the capital. At first, he was unsure but that depressed spirit soon turned to ambition and an opportunity to get noticed and show his power.

Accepted what? Unsure of what? He only appeared be quelling the rebellion, not actually doing it?

Liu Bei sighing at the side. Gained the attention of a man who was known as Zhang Fei.

Ok, again, make sure the sequence of events is right. Did Liu Bei fight the YT before Zhang Fei joined (that's what the ordering in your text suggests).

These 2 are not complete sentences. The first one needs to have the verb be in the past tense, and you also need to say what he was sighing beside. The second sentence needs a subject.

----
I think this has the potential of being a really good bio once the machanics are fixed and the sequence of events made clear. :D
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Unread postby Asellas » Mon Nov 24, 2003 11:14 pm

Thanks Auntie Wu (Mind if I call you that?)well, I think with all of the help the bio can become a success and I wil still go backa nd check through to correct many errors. Thanks guys!! :D

I'll be sure to improve it.
"Winter is coming".
"I like hurting people...it's what I do best because I am heartless".
"Love is for poets, romance is for playwrights, and sex is for procreation - I desire none of them"
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Unread postby Asellas » Sun Dec 21, 2003 2:52 pm

Sorry for the long delay on this, I have started to get back into the rythem of composing it again.

The last bit I wrote is where he became magistrate of the county of Anxi.
But I really can't find much info about Liu bei earlier on in the novel between chapters 1-3 or 1-5 so should I skip it to where he is on the battlefield of Hu Lao?
"Winter is coming".
"I like hurting people...it's what I do best because I am heartless".
"Love is for poets, romance is for playwrights, and sex is for procreation - I desire none of them"
User avatar
Asellas
Lord of Winterfell
 
Posts: 4043
Joined: Mon Jan 06, 2003 4:12 pm
Location: Winterfell

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