Crazy times, crazy people – the RTK Tabloids

Best threads of the SGYYS, for your viewing pleasure.

Unread postby Sun Gongli » Fri Apr 08, 2005 5:21 pm

How about when Sun Quan decides to play a prank on Sun Shao and attack him at Danyang? I, for some reason, found that quite funny. ;)
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Unread postby Lord Bio » Thu Aug 18, 2005 8:00 am

I found an intresting article that I think should be entered into the RTK Tabloids. This one comes from the Jian Yong SGZ.

Jian Yong protector of Women and Booze!
Once, there was a drought, and all liquor was banned. Those who brewed were to be penalized by the law. The law-enforcing officers had discovered brewing equipment in a man’s house, and he was about to be punished as one who brewed. Jian Yong went on a tour of the city with the First Ruler, and saw a man and a woman walking together on the streets. Jian Yong said to the First Ruler, “That man is about to commit rape! You should have him arrested at once!” The First Ruler asked, “How do you know that?” Yong answered, “He has the equipment of doing so, just like the man who wanted to make liquor.” The First Ruler burst into guffaws and granted pardon to the man who was going to brew. Jian Yong was full of this kind of humor
And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts
And I looked and behold, a pale horse
And it's name it said on him was Death
And Hell followed with him.
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You can't be punnier than Liu Bei

Unread postby Lady Wu » Mon Oct 31, 2005 2:13 am

I have to post this now, since Peng mentioned Liu Bei's lack of facial hair in his Three Kingdoms Comic.

There was a scholar in Shu, named Zhang Yu, who was skilled at divination. He once advised Liu Bei against fighting for Hanzhong, and had on another occasion say to people in private that the reign of the Liu's was over, and that Liu Bei would lose Yizhou nine years after gaining the land (which ended up being true---Han abdicated to Wei, and Liu Bei died 9 years after taking Yizhou).

Anyway, way back when Liu Bei met with Liu Zhang at Fu, Zhang Yu was Liu Zhang's secretary, and was serving Liu Zhang at the meeting. Seeing that Zhang Yu had a huge beard, Liu Bei decided to make fun of him. (I'm going to change the story a bit now, because Liu Bei was trying to be punny and the SGZ passage doesn't translate well into English. I'll give the actual translation at the end.)

Liu Bei said to Zhang Yu, "Back when I was living in Zhuo county, the area was overrun with hares. Everywhere you go, there'd be hares hopping around. The magistrate of the county would tell his friends, 'We have a hare (hair) problem in the Zhuo (jaw) area!'"

[insert laugh track]

Zhang Yu answered with a come-back, "Once there was a man whose family name is Ma, his given name, Tong. He hailed from Qin. When he was working in the government offices, he would have to sign his initials on documents; however, there being several other individuals in his office with the same initials, he would, in order to distinguish himself, sign as `Master M. T. (Qin)' ('master empty chin')."

Insert laugh track again--or not--since Liu Bei bore a grudge against Zhang Yu since then. After hearing his inauspicious predictions, he threw Zhang Yu in jail, and was going to execute him for having spoken falsely when advising against the Hanzhong campaign. Zhuge Liang tried to talk Liu Bei out of it, but Zhang Yu ended up being executed in the marketplace anyway.


Original SGZ:
SGZ Shu: 12 wrote:[Zhang] Yu also said to people in private, "When the year-cycle reaches the Geng-Zi year, the realm will change hands. The reign of the Liu House will be over. Although our lord will gain Yizhou, he will lose it nine years after that, during the Yin-Mao time." Someone secretly reported this [to Liu Bei].

Earlier, when the First Ruler met with Liu Zhang at Fu, Zhang Yu was Liu Zhang's secretary, and was serving at the meeting. He boasted quite a beard, and so the First Ruler made fun of him, saying, "When I was living in Zhuo county, there were many there with the surname Mao. From east to west, north to south, there were Mao's living everywhere. The magistrate would exclaim, `All the Mao's living around Zhuo!'" (1)

Yu replied instantly, "Once there was a mayor of Lu in Shangdang, who was promoted to be the magistrate of Zhuo. After a while, he retired and went back home. When he wrote letters, he would miss the fact that he served in Zhuo if he only signed himself as Lu, and if he signed himself as Zhuo only people might not know he also worked in Lu. And so, he would sign `Master Lu-Zhuo'." (2)

Since the First Ruler had no beard, Yu used that fact as a come-back. Thus the First Ruler had always bore a grudge against his presumptiousness; and, in addition to his misspoken words, he put him in jail on the charge of giving bad advice during the campaign of Hanzhong, and was about to kill him. Zhuge Liang petitioned to know of the specific crime. The First Ruler said, "Pretentious weeds growing outside one's door must be eliminated." And Zhang Yu was executed in the marketplace.

After that, Wei was established as the new dynasty, and the First Ruler died, all according to Zhang Yu's predictions. Zhang Yu was also trained in physiognomy. Whenever he saw his own face in a mirror, he knew that he would die by execution, and he would throw the mirror onto the floor.

(1) The word for "all", 諸, sounds like the word for 'pig' (豬 zhu); the surname 毛 Mao is also the word for 'hair'. The word for 'beak' (as in a bird) is also pronounced "zhuo". So Liu Bei's pun actually meant: "Pig bristles all around your beak"!

(2) Lu sounds the same as the word meaning "bare", 露. Since "Zhuo" is homophonous with "beak", Zhang Yu's pun says: "Master Bare-beak".
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Re: You can't be punnier than Liu Bei

Unread postby MarvelousLingTong!!!!!! » Tue Nov 08, 2005 8:08 pm

Lady Wu wrote:I have to post this now, since Peng mentioned Liu Bei's lack of facial hair in his Three Kingdoms Comic.

That was great I found it rather humorous.
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Unread postby Shadowlink » Mon Jan 08, 2007 6:35 pm

Cao Rui was also increasing his collection of women, as his concubines and ladies in waiting numbered thousands. His palace-building projects might have been with intent to house them. In 237, he even ordered that beautiful married women all be formally seized unless their husbands were able to ransom them, and that they would be married to soldiers instead -- but that the most beautiful among them would become his concubines. Despite some officials' protestations, this decree was apparently carried out, much to the distress of his people.
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Unread postby Pi Ka Chu » Tue Jan 09, 2007 4:22 am

Why would Cao Cao want to stuff the Qiao sisters in a tower? Wouldn't they just rot there? :lol:
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Unread postby Xu Yuan » Fri Jan 19, 2007 6:21 am

Now most of these are going to come from all on the thanks of Empress Zhang...

That ol' Kongming still scaring people even till the Jin!

It is said that when Zhuge Liang fell ill at Wu Zhang Yuan, he knew he would be dead very soon, therefore he put all the country's matter in order, yet he also ordered Jiang Wei to do something for a personal matter. He foresaw that Shu would perish after his death, and his grandson would face a major trouble under the emperor of the Jin dynasty. So he give Jiang Wei a letter, telling him that after his funeral, to urge his son to leave Cheng Du and put this letter in the wall of the new home. At the same time, tell his descendants, if their life is threatened, they can avoid it by take apart the home. However, no one shall do anything to the new home during regular times.

After his death, Sima Yan united the Three Kingdoms and built the Jin dynasty. This time Kongming's grandson, Zhuge Yi, is grown up. Zhuge Yi knows how to fight very well and is very nice to the people. He stole jewelries from the palace to help the poor, and is a hero at this time. Unfortunately, one day he was caught in the palace and the emperor ordered to excute him. Some officials at the court felt sympathy for Zhuge Yi and pleaded with the emperor: since Zhuge Liang was such a great man, it is disobey the heaven to stop him from passing down his family. When the emperor heard that Zhuge Yi is Kongming's grandson, he thought: my grandfather (Sima Yi) admired Zhuge Liang so much even though himself was very able as well. He has told me that Zhuge Liang can foresee the future. He should knew that his grandson was going to be killed. With curiousity, he ordered to bring Zhuge Yi back, and asked him:

"Your grandfather Prime Minister Zhuge Liang was known for his ability to foresee the future, do you know if he somehow knew what is happening today?"

Zhuge Yi replied, "My grandfather left a will that said if we face the problem of death, we can resolve it by taking apart our house, I don't know anymore."

Not believing fully in what Zhuge Yi said, the emperor ordered to take apart Zhuge Yi's house. The crew found a small bag in the wall which was sealed tightly. They opened it up and saw a letter withen, the words "Open only before the emperor". Nobody dared to open it so they sent it to the palace. The emperor took the letter and opened it. The first page said, "Your Majesty please retreat three steps". When the emperor saw those words, he did it quickly. Just then, a piece of wood fell from the ceiling and crashed the emperor's seat. Everyone was frightened. The emperor opened the second page instantly, it said "I saved your majesty's life, your majesty must pardon my grandson." The emperor ordered to release Zhuge Yi immediately out of fear.

Thanks to Empress zhang and some obscure books called Folk Tales of the Three Kingdom's for this entry, there will be a new entry each week, until I exhaust her tales.
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Unread postby James » Fri Jan 19, 2007 6:42 am

That Zhuge Yi tale was quite a delightful read! :D
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Unread postby Shadowlink » Fri Jan 19, 2007 1:49 pm ... eadid=1792
here is the link to the rtk folktale I think Mengde new book posted it before though
yeah but xu yuan that is not from sgz =/. It's just a folktale, just like zhao yun and the zhuge liang stealing zhou yu wife one
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Unread postby Lady Wu » Mon Jan 29, 2007 12:07 am

Pi Ka Chu wrote:Why would Cao Cao want to stuff the Qiao sisters in a tower? Wouldn't they just rot there? :lol:

I think Cao Cao meant to stuff himself in there as well...
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