Crazy times, crazy people – the RTK Tabloids

Best threads of the SGYYS, for your viewing pleasure.

Unread postby Elven Fury » Mon Feb 02, 2004 11:41 pm

I love the Sun Quan : Steve Irwin one! its funny... quite good stuff... really enjoying it!
It is important to draw wisdom from many different places. If we take it from only one place, it becomes rigid and stale. Understanding others - other people, other beliefs, and other nations - will help you become whole.
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Unread postby Shu Ryorin » Sun Apr 18, 2004 4:14 am

Oh, but why ever did Zhang Zhiao not leave his room when told? Never mind that the person who was telling him to do it almost BURNED HIM ALIVE!!! :lol:
"Only dummies call people dummy, dummy!"
-some fairy in "Breath of Fire III"

Grad school is hard, you guys.
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Unread postby TheMightyXuHuang » Tue Jul 20, 2004 9:28 pm

Very well done i love these your the best :wink:
Some of sun quans pranks please keep up the good worK
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Humour, Wu style

Unread postby Lady Wu » Thu Jul 29, 2004 3:19 am

Sorry for the delay of this issue. Lady Wu's paparazzi team was involved in some lawsuits for, ahem, libel. :lol:

But yes, we won the lawsuits, and are baaaack!! [Sorry for the lack of photos in this issue... blame it on the printers]

Zhuge Ke: My ass!
Zhuge Ke's SGZ bio wrote:Zhuge Ke's father, Zhuge Jin, had a face that was longish like that of a donkey. Once, Sun Quan was having a big party with his subordinates, and he bade someone bring in a donkey. After examining its face for a good while, he wrote on it "Zhuge Ziyu" [Zhuge Jin's style name]. Zhuge Ke knelt and said, "I would like to beg for a brush in order to add two words." Sun Quan gave him a brush. Zhuge Ke continued the writing with "'s donkey". Everyone broke into gaffaws, and Sun Quan granted the donkey to Zhuge Ke.


How to talk trash in Wu
Ke's other biography, quoted by Pei Songzhi in Zhuge Ke's SGZ bio wrote:Once the crown prince [Sun Deng] derided Zhuge Ke, saying, "Go eat horse s%*t, Zhuge Yuanxun [Zhuge Ke's style name]!" Zhuge Ke replied, "Go eat chicken eggs, Your Excellency!" Upon hearing this, Sun Quan asked him, "He told you to eat horse s%*t, but you only told him to go eat eggs. What's the reasoning?" Zhuge Ke responded, "The two are dropped from the same position." Sun Quan broke into loud gaffaws.


It's fortunate that Zhuge Ke never incited a war between Wu and Shu! Check this out:

Zhuge Ke's SGZ bio wrote:Sun Quan asked Zhuge Ke, "Who is wiser, your father or your uncle?" Zhuge Ke answered, "My father is wiser." Sun Quan asked for the reason. "My father knows whom to serve," said Zhuge Ke, "but my uncle does not. That is why I take my father to be wiser." Sun Quan laughed loud.


In another time, an emissary arrived from Shu, and there was a big meeting with everyone present. Sun Quan said to the emissary, "This Zhuge Ke here likes to go horseback-riding in his free time. When you return, please let the Prime Minister [Zhuge Liang] know and send some good horses here." Zhuge Ke rose from his seat and expressed his thanks. Sun Quan said, "The horse isn't here yet. What are you thanking me for?" "The state of Shu," replied Zhuge Ke, "is the outer stables of Your Majesty's. Now that Your Majesty has sent for a horse, it will certainly come. How, then, can I not express my gratitude?"
"Whatever you do, don't fall off the bridge! It'll be a pain to try to get back up again." - Private, DW 8
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Unread postby Lady Wu » Thu Jul 29, 2004 3:26 am

"Miracle Woman" busted!

Cao Rui's SGZ bio wrote:Earlier on, during the 3rd year of the Blue/black/green Dragon, there was a farmer's wife in Shouchun who claimed that she was born of a heavenly spirit. She was summoned to the palace and appointed "Woman of Ascension", and commanded to guard the imperial palace in order to turn away evil and bring in good fortune. She cured many by giving them water to drink or by washing their wounds. Therefore, the emperor built her an apartment in the Inner Palace, and issued an edict praising her. She was quite favoured by the emperor. However, when the emperor became ill, her giving him water to drink did not improve his situation. Thereupon, the emperor had her executed.
"Whatever you do, don't fall off the bridge! It'll be a pain to try to get back up again." - Private, DW 8
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Unread postby Lady Wu » Thu Jul 29, 2004 7:27 pm

This is Cai Yan/Starscream's favourite story, so I'll post it here despite it not being in the 3k times. This is about Empress Jia, who was Jia Chong's daughter, and who was married to Sima Yan's mentally retarded son, Sima Zhong. I haven't finished translating the whole bio yet (from Jin Shu:31), but here's one juicy section:

The Empress' Love Affairs Exposed!

Thus [Empress Jia] started to become loose in her conduct, and had affairs with Cheng Ju, Chief of the Imperial Physicians, and others.

There was a minor officer of the police department in souther Luo, who had very petty duties. One day, he showed up with some extraordinarily fancy clothes, and everyone suspected that he had stolen them. The police chief thus held a public trial. Some of Empress Jia's relatives wanted to obtain the stolen articles, and went to listen in on the trial.

The minor officer said, “Earlier on, I encountered an old woman who said to me, `There is illness in my family and the fortune-teller told me that I needed to get a young man from the southern part of the city in order to expel the evil. If you would be so kind as to spare a moment and come with me, I will reward you greatly.’ And so I went with her. She took me on a carriage, dropped the drapes, and hid me in a chest. We went for maybe over ten li, and passed through six or seven gates. The chest was then opened, and all of a sudden I saw tall buildings and beautiful apartments. I asked where I was, and they told me that it was Heaven. Immediately, they bathed me in scented water, clothed me in beautiful clothes, and fed me delicious food. Then, I saw a woman—about 35 or 36 of age. She was short and dark-skinned, and there was a scar behind her eyebrow. She kept me there for a few nights, and we slept together and feasted together. Before sending me out again, she gave me all these things.”

When those present heard the description, they knew that it was the Empress Jia, and dispersed in embarassed laughter. The chief also understood, and did not inquire further. At that time, most of those who were taken into the palace were killed. This minor officer was an exception—because the empress loved him particularly, his life was spared.
"Whatever you do, don't fall off the bridge! It'll be a pain to try to get back up again." - Private, DW 8
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Unread postby Wizardman » Fri Jul 30, 2004 3:57 pm

lol, that Zhuge Ke is an interesting person. I wouldn't be surprised if there's more tabloid-worthy stuff found out about him.
Huang Zhong: Are you calling me old?!
Wei Yan: ...Yes.
Huang Zhong: Liu Bei! I demand you kill him!
Liu Bei: Well it's... true...
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Unread postby Lafeel » Mon Dec 27, 2004 2:28 pm

*laughs so hard he has to sit down*
Priceless. Simply priceles. :lol:
age:29 (the previos one was two years out of date)
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Unread postby Lady Wu » Fri Jan 28, 2005 7:04 am

This passage is gold.

It's found in a Pei note to Cao Zhi's biography (the one on KMA is not a complete/accurate translation, and doesn't contain the Pei notes--my bad). This is about Ding Yi, who was friends with Cao Zhi and who was executed when Cao Pi came to power. Since he's not a major character, here's an excerpt from the novel to job people's memories:

threekingdoms.com Chpt 79 wrote: Soon after, the envoy to Linzi returned to report: "The Lord of Linzi, Cao Zhi, is spending his time in dissipation, his especial boon companions being two brothers named Ding Yi and Ding Yin. They were very rude. When we presented ourselves, Cao Zhi sat bolt upright, but would not say a word. Ding Yi used insulting words, saying, 'King Cao intended our lord to succeed, but was turned there from by the slanderous tongues of certain among you. As soon as he is dead, your master begins to think of punishment for his own flesh and blood.'

"The other brother Ding Yin said, 'In intellect our lord leads the age, and he ought to have been heir to his father. Now, not only does he not succeed, but he is treated in this harsh way by a lot of courtiers of your sort, ignorant of what genius means.'

"And then Cao Zhi, in a fit of anger, had ordered his lictors to beat the chief envoy and turn him out."

This treatment of his messenger annoyed Cao Pi greatly, and he dispatched a force of three thousand Imperial Tiger Guards under Xu Chu to arrest his brother and all his immediate surroundings. When Xu Chu arrived Linzi, the Gate Commander stopped him. Xu Chu slew that general and entered the city, unchallenged. He went to the residence and found Cao Zhi and all his companions dead drunk. So he bound them, put them into carts, and sent them to court in Yejun. He also arrested all the officers of the palace.

Cao Pi's first order was to put to death Ding Yi and Ding Yin. The two brothers were not wholly base; they had a reputation for learning, and many were sorry for them.


Alright, so here's the story behind why Ding Yi allied with Cao Zhi and was lacking in good words for Cao Pi. Ding Yi's father, Ding Chong, was good friends with Cao Cao, and was one of the people who pushed Cao Cao to take control of Emperor Xian. Once, Ding Chong went to this drinking party, and, unable to control his alcohol consumption because the drinks they had there were too nice, died of alcohol poisoning.

Squinty-Eye vs. The Duck: Or, Why You Should Take Good Care of Your Eyes

Wei Lue, quoted by Pei in SGZ:19 wrote:The Great Progenitor, Cao Cao, often praised the virtues of the late Ding Chong, who had often advised him. After hearing that Ding Yi was a talented scholar, he thought of marrying his favourite daughter to him even though he had never met him. Cao Pi was consulted on the matter.

"Women usually judge people by their looks," said Cao Pi, "but [Ding Yi] has problems in his eyes. I truly fear that your dear daughter may not delight in him. My opinion is that she should be married to General [Xiahou Dun]'s son, Xiahou Mao."

Cao Cao accepted this advice. [Some time after that,] he had Ding Yi summoned to serve as a secretary. After conversing with him, Cao Cao was impressed by his brilliance, and said, "Secretary Ding is an excellent man. Even if he was completely blind, I would still give him my daughter's hand in marriage. And he is just a bit squinty-eyed! My son has truly misled me!"

Ding Yi himself was also upset that he did not get to wed the princess. Thus he became close to Marquis of Linzi [Cao Zhi], and praised Cao Zhi's talents on many occasions. When Cao Cao showed desire to make Cao Zhi his heir, Ding Yi gave great support.


And so Cao Pi found an excuse to have him and his clan executed.

And we all know what happened between Xiahou Mao and Miss Cao (see story on first page). What a dysfunctional family. :?
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Unread postby Satsu Ryu » Mon Jan 31, 2005 1:12 am

Wow... :lol:
Keep those tabloids a comin', Lady Wu. Who'd a thought such rediculous things happened during the 3 Kingdoms. I've read a few things about it in the novel but not all of them. Excellent work!
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