Crazy times, crazy people – the RTK Tabloids

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Re: Crazy times, crazy people – the RTK Tabloids

Unread postby Yang Dayang » Mon Aug 09, 2010 9:46 pm

This, for some reason made me smile, from the ZZTJ

Dong Zhuo's body was shown in the market-place. The weather began to get hot, and Dong Zhuo had been big and fat, and his at flowed onto the ground. The men guarding the corpse made a great lamp and set it up on Dong Zhuo's navel and lit it, and it turned clear and bright till dawn. This went on for several days.


And thanks for this thread btw, cracked up some laughs. Jian Yong is definatly my favoruite comedian of the 3k era LOL.
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Re: Crazy times, crazy people – the RTK Tabloids

Unread postby Jordan » Mon Oct 25, 2010 9:05 am

Man, I love Zhuge Ke all the more after reading these. I always liked him.
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Re: Crazy times, crazy people – the RTK Tabloids

Unread postby Lady Wu » Sun Dec 05, 2010 10:45 pm

Oh, my scientific illiteracy.

Once the crown prince [Sun Deng] derided Zhuge Ke, saying, "Go eat horse s%*t, Zhuge Yuanxun [Zhuge Ke's style name]!" Zhuge Ke replied, "Go eat chicken eggs, Your Excellency!" Upon hearing this, Sun Quan asked him, "He told you to eat horse s%*t, but you only told him to go eat eggs. What's the reasoning?" Zhuge Ke responded, "The two are dropped from the same place." Sun Quan broke into loud gaffaws.


I only just realized (after we talked about monotremes in my biopsychology class... don't ask) that in a chicken, the eggs and the poop come out from the same place (birds have just one opening for things to come out). :oops: :oops:
"Whatever you do, don't fall off the bridge! It'll be a pain to try to get back up again." - Private, DW 8
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Re: Crazy times, crazy people – the RTK Tabloids

Unread postby Yang Dayang » Sat Jan 29, 2011 12:10 pm

Oh god this is just priceless

4: The Record of Cao Man states: The Great Ancestor in his youth enjoyed flying hawks and racing dogs, endlessly knocking about, such that his uncle spoke to his father Song about his behavior. The Great Ancestor suffered for it, and later when he came upon his uncle along the road, he pretended to be having a seizure; his uncle was bewildered and asked him what was wrong and the Great Ancestor replied, “I am having a stroke.” His uncle therefore went to tell his father Song, who was very startled, and called the Great Ancestor to him, the Great Ancestor then resuming his normal appearance. His father spoke, asking, “Your uncle said that you were having a stroke; are you now recovered?” The Great Ancestor replied, “I never had a stroke in the first place. My uncle has always been lacking in affection for me, thus he has only ever been unpleasant to me.” Song therefore became suspicious. From that moment onward, Song didn’t believe anything that his brother told him regarding the Great Ancestor and the Great Ancestor behaved even more recklessly.


Sneakly little devil :P
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Re: Crazy times, crazy people – the RTK Tabloids

Unread postby GuoBia » Sun Apr 10, 2011 7:29 am

A certain Lady Xiahou Exposes All: Her Great Reveal!

The Lady was married to Huang Yun, but about 172 her husband proposed to divorce her so that he might marry the niece of the Excellency Yuan Wei. She concealed her resentment and arranged a formal ceremony of farewell, but then, before a crowd of his kinsmen and clients she read out a catalogue of his faults, including most intimate matters, then called up her carriage and left. Huang Yun was utterly shamed. -HHS 68/58:2230, HHJ 23: 276.


Plus, astonishing secrets leading to this: Guo Tai warned him to watch his conduct. GUESS WHAT HAPPENED, HUH?

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Gou Yu: Filial Piety as an Excuse for Murder
Gou Yu, the Lady; Chenliu. A woman of family, about 130 she killed her husband's uncle Li Shi to avenge her own uncle. She was arrested and liable to death, but the young scholar Shentu Pan spoke to the magistrate Liang Pei, arguing that even as a woman she had fulfilled the obligations of family vengeance, and praising her conduct as a model for future generations. Liang Pei, deeply impressed, obtained her an official pardon. -HHS 53/43:1751, XHS 4:1b.

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MAN DIES FROM SEX WITH WIFE

Dun Zixian. A former commandery Investigator, Dun Zixian became ill but then recovered. He went to the doctor Hua Tuo, who took his pulse and advised him that the sickness was still present and that he must avoid any exertion, including sexual intercourse, as a relapse could kill him. The fatal moment would be known by a protrusion of his tongue for several inches.
When Dun Zixian's wife heard he was cured, she traveled a hundred li to care for him. The couple had intercourse, however, and Dun Zixian died three days later, just as Hua Tuo had foretold.

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3rd Century Atkins Fad Diet Nearly Kills Man With Diarrhea
Li Tan; Anping. A Consultant at the Han court under Cao Cao, Li Tan was influenced by the adept Hao Mengjie/Xi Jian and attempted to practice his techniques of long life, including abstention from cereals, eating the "China-root" fungus Pachyma or Porla Cocos, and drinking cold water. He got diarrhoea, however, and very nearly died. -SGZ 29:805.


Concerning the public effects of this fad, "when he came to Cao Cao's court in the early third century, the market price of China-root quickly doubled."
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Fief Abolished for Unnatural Incest

Zang Song; Yingchuan. Elder son of Zang Zhen, he succeeded to the family marquisate. In 117 he was found guilty of committing incest with his mother; the fief was ended. -
Of course later it was restored in 120.
Guo run! Guo run!!!!
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Re: Crazy times, crazy people – the RTK Tabloids

Unread postby Jordan » Sun Jan 01, 2012 2:27 pm

Cao Rui had a deer park and very strict rules against hunting deer in it (if you did so, you would be put to death). Translated by Achilles Fang in Chronicles of the Three Kingdoms, this part of the Wei ming zhen zou (Collection of Memorials of Famous Ministers of Wei), quoted in SGZ, mentions advice from Gao Rou. Gao Rou's advice employs incredibly hilarious and flawed logic. After I finished typing this up for the other thread, I couldn't stop laughing:

“I have profoundly reflected: The reason why Your Majesty does not take these deer early is that you wish them to multiply to the extreme, when you will take them on a large scale to make them serve army and state. But I presume to think that, as it is, the deer will daily decrease and you will have no chance to get them on a large scale. Why do I think so? Now the Imperial enclosure extends to an area of more than a thousand li. IN my calculation, there are in this area easily 600 tigers, large and small, 500 wolves, and 10,000 foxes. Supposing a large tiger eats one deer every three days, one tiger will eat 120 deer in a year; since there are 600 tigers, that means that the tigers will eat 72,000 deer a year. Supposing ten wolves eat a deer each day, the 500 wolves will eat up 18,000 deer a year. A newly born deer is not good at running; let ten foxes eat one young deer a day—during the period of a month when the young deer begin to run fast, the 10,000 foxes will eat 30,000 young deer a month. In all, the number of deer falling prey to these animals amounts to 1,200,000. The harm due from vultures, I have not counted. Thus seen, there will be no chance of obtaining them in large numbers. There is nothing like taking them early.”

Afterwards, Gao Rou's descendents would forever be hired as statisticians.
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Re: Crazy times, crazy people – the RTK Tabloids

Unread postby Lady Wu » Mon Jan 02, 2012 8:48 am

Hahaha, that's hilarious. It's like one of those word problems in math that can't ever happen in real life.

Cao Rui should have hired a biologist/zookeeper, not a statistician.
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Re: Crazy times, crazy people – the RTK Tabloids

Unread postby Striga » Mon Jan 02, 2012 4:54 pm

Now the question is did he call open season on the deer or the predators?
"Immense power is fun! You should try it sometime." -Syndra (favourite quote XD)
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Re: Crazy times, crazy people – the RTK Tabloids

Unread postby Jordan » Sat Jan 07, 2012 3:51 pm

The Emperor and Cao Rui were once on a hunting party when they spied a doe and her young. The Emperor shot and killed the doe, and commanded Cao Rui to shoot the fawn. Cao Rui, with tears in his eyes, said, [4] "Your Majesty has already killed the mother, I cannot bear to kill the son as well." The Emperor, moved to compassion, threw down his bow and arrows.


I AM SUCH AN IDIOT

I just realized now that this was an allusion to the fact that Cao Pi killed Cao Rui's mother (Empress Zhao, nee Zhen aka "Zhen Ji") and Cao Rui is the "fawn."

Mind=blown.

Sorry if this was blatantly obvious to everybody else.
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Re: Crazy times, crazy people – the RTK Tabloids

Unread postby Striga » Sat Jan 07, 2012 4:43 pm

Whoa. I actually didn’t realize that. True. I doubt many people back then would have had much feelings for killing deer, and the fawn would die without the mother. How did none of us realize that? :shock:
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