Jokes

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Jokes

Unread postby Jonathan » Mon Jun 17, 2002 6:51 pm

I see jokes as a cure for a bad day, so i figured what better way to cheer people up who come to this forum then by starting a topic dedicated to jokes.

here is a joke that is based off something that happend to my friends and I

we were on a road trip about a year ago and driving through Idaho, i was with a few girls who were in a excited, giggly, hyper mood. driving 90 in a 65 MPH zone, we saw the most loveable red and blue flashing lights behind us. after pulling over the police officer stept out of his car walking in a king of england confident manner.

he held his head up high when he got to the window "Ma'am do you know why i pulled you over?"

well my friend in her current attitude snapped in reply "to ask me to the Idaho police man's ball?"

the cop straightend himself still very confident and looked her sternly in the eyes "no ma'am Idaho police men dont have balls."

there was a long pause filled with my laughter and the girls holding their mouths to keep from laughing themselves. he looked down then back up at himself and walked away, this was how we got ourselves out of a wrechless driving ticket.
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Unread postby Zhou Gongjin » Mon Jun 17, 2002 7:00 pm

I hated my management class, it was always hot in the classrooms and the lessons were on friday late afternoon so everyone wanted to go home for the weekend.
This time there was a supervisor to see if our teacher could handle his class properly.
We were discussing various ways in which managers are selected and hired. My teacher, a very serious man, was asking random questions to the class.

Teacher: "So who can tell me in which paper we can find the ads for teaching jobs?"

Student X: "The Telegraph?"

Teacher: "No anyone else?"

Student Y: "The AD?"

Teacher: "Nope."

I was laying on my desk, half asleep because of the heat, I raised my hand.

Teacher: "yes Jonathan?"

Me: "The Homeless paper"

The whole class fell of their chair laughing as the teacher turned red. The supervisor tried to contain his laughter.
I got 2 hours of dentention but it was long enough to hear my teacher cry to the supervisor.
This is probably the only good memory of school of this year.
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Unread postby Jimayo » Tue Jun 18, 2002 5:39 am

In my stats class we had a real dick of a teacher. Everytime someone spoke to anyone but him he'd say, You got a comment. Didn't matter whether you were helping another student or anything. So the last day of the year a friend of mine started talking real loud to me, and as soon as the teacher looked over and said, You got a comment, he said, Sure do Mr. Jackass. Everyone in class just died laughing, and the teacher shut right up.
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A blond joke

Unread postby Jonathan » Tue Jun 18, 2002 8:15 am

Two blonds took their road trip after graduating high school, and decided the best place to go was Disney land. driving on the free way they found a sign stating "Disney Land left".


So they turned around and went home.
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Unread postby Dennis » Tue Jun 18, 2002 8:42 am

A Canadian hockey fan, an American fan and a
> Swedish fan
> were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled
> case of beer. All of
> a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested
> them. The mere
> possession of alcohol is a severe offence in
> Saudi Arabia, so for the
> terrible
> crime of actually being caught consuming the
> alcohol, they were
> sentenced to death!
> However, after many months and with the help of
> very good
> lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal
> their sentence down to life
> imprisonment.By a stroke of luck, it was a
> Saudi national holiday the day
> their trial finished, and the extremely
> benevolent Sheik decided they could
> be released after receiving just 20 lashes each
> of the whip.
> As they were preparing for their punishment,
> the Sheik suddenly
> said:"It's my first wife's birthday today, and
> she has asked me to
> allow each of you one wish before your
> whipping."
> The Swede fan was first in line (he had drunk
> the least), so he
> thought about this for a while and then said:
> "Please tie a
> pillow to my back." This was done, but the
> pillow only lasted 10 lashes
> before the whip went through. The Swede fan had
> to be carried away bleeding
> and crying with pain when the punishment was
> done.
> The American fan was next up (he almost
> finished a half-can and
> thus was really tipsy), and after watching the
> scene, said:
> "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my
> back."But even two pillows could
> only take 15 lashes before the whip
> went through again, sending the American fan
> crying.
> The Canadian fan was the last one up (he had
> finished off the
> case), but before he could say anything, the
> Sheik turned to him and
> said: "You support the greatest team in the
> world, your country
> has the best and most loyal hockey fans in the
> world. For this, you
> may have two wishes!"
> "Thanks, your most Royal highness", the
> Canadian replies. "In
> recognition of your kindness, my first wish is
> that you give me
> not 20, but 100 lashes."
> "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and
> powerful man, you
> are also very brave," the Sheik says with an
> admiring look on his face.
> "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be
> it. And your second wish?
> What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
> "Tie the American fan to my back so he can get
> his ass whooped
> again."
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Unread postby Jimayo » Tue Jun 18, 2002 11:41 pm

Zhou Lide wrote:*bump*

I don't think anyone read this fanastically Canadian funniness joke.

It's so great. READ IT! :rangry:


Yeah, I really like it. But then again, I am canadian.

New one. This is from a canadian beer commercial(the brand canadian).

Lady: Oh so your from canada? Do you know Glen, from canada? He plays hockey, says eh a lot? He works in an office?

Man: Oh yes, office glen. He's dead.
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Unread postby Jonathan » Mon Jun 24, 2002 7:14 am

I guess people have forgotten about this topic so I’m adding another joke, hopefully to pick it up again.

A little man sitting in a bar, staring at his drink oblivious to his surroundings. He's been there for over an hour.
Then, an oversized trouble making truck driver steps right beside the mans stool, takes his drink, and downs it entirely.

The poor little man starts crying

The trucker says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry".

The little man says: "No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and arrived late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to find my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found out I left my wallet in the cab. I got home to find my wife having sex the gardener. I left home and came to this bar, And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you . . . you show up and drink my poison."
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Unread postby Zhao Yun » Mon Jun 24, 2002 7:37 am

A doctor, a thief and a lawyer die and their souls wend their way up toward heaven. Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates they are stopped by the Archangel Peter.

"Hold on a minute, guys.", he begins, "You each have to answer a question before I can let you in." Turning to the doctor he says, "In the early part of the twentieth century a huge ocean liner was built, everyone called it unsinkable. On it's maiden it strayed off course, hit an iceberg in the middle of the North Atlantic Ocean and sank. What was it's name?"

"Um," the doctor stammers, sure it's a trick, "the Titanic?"

"Yep, go on in." Peter replies, and the doctor enters Heaven happy to have had such an easy question.

Peter turns to the thief, "Alright, you didn't lead such a wholesome life as he did, so you get a tougher question. On the ship Titanic, about how many people were aboard?"

"Wow, that is a tough question.", the thief mulls it over, "My girlfriend absolutely loved the movie so I know a whole lot of random trivia about this, so I know the answer is about 2200."

"That's close enough." Peter says, "You can go on in."

Peter turns to the lawyer, "Name them."
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Unread postby Maria » Mon Jun 24, 2002 7:40 am

Ain't got no jokes. I'll search in my mailbox. I just got this from Hotmail forward.......

BRAIN TUMOR

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!


MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!


WHILE IN A DRUG STORE

Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!


QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE

Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: All right, what is my PIN no...if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks!


MARRIAGE

Friend: how many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.


CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND

Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, was it ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok; I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
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Unread postby Zhou Gongjin » Sun Sep 01, 2002 4:11 pm

*cough*
He who exercises government by means of his virtue may be compared to the north polar star, which keeps its place and all the stars turn towards it.
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